I'm all raw..

I've been working on my son's car. My hands are ripped to shreds. My knee is swollen. It's painful for me to type so I will be short.

And it burns, burns, burns, that O-Ring of fire, that O-Ring of fire......

For those of you who know me, have heard my history with cars. Well yesterday I set another car on fire. Again I took it for a test drive and again there was blazing flames coming from the engine compartment.

Neither of these fires has anything to do with the actual work I did.

I haven't been faithful to my blog.

If you've noticed I haven't been blogging as often as I had in the past. I sometimes think there is no one out there listening to me at all. I hope I am giving as much as I can.

Today I had my Saturday DBSA meeting and again no one showed up. I see people all the time on the news and in the papers who have reached the end of their ropes. A guy kills his family, and then himself. Cops who through the stress of the job "Bite a Bullet".

These people are friends and family. There is always a sign. There always a chance to fix things. All to often the self-medicate through drugs and Alcohol. Reach out them, read the signs. It may all be one twist to many that sets them off. You just have to see the signs.

Depression if left untreated can be a fatal illness.

Psalm 69 (Get your heads out of the gutter)

<sup>People who know me, know that I am a faithful man. I try to be a righteous person. I am not without sin. I am not perfect. I read my Bible on a regular basis. Yesterday I did what I do when I want god to guide me. I fan the pages of the book and stick my finger in. God always points me to the passage I need to read at that time.

I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".

I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.

I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.

Psalm 69

1</sup> Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
² Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
³ I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
⁴ Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.

⁵ O God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
⁶ Don’t let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
O Sovereign Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
Don’t let me cause them to be humiliated,
O God of Israel.
⁷ For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
⁸ Even my own brothers pretend they don’t know me;
they treat me like a stranger.

⁹ Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.
¹⁰ When I weep and fast,
they scoff at me.
¹¹ When I dress in burlap to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
¹² I am the favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.

¹³ But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
¹⁴ Rescue me from the mud;
don’t let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me,
and pull me from these deep waters.
¹⁵ Don’t let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.

¹⁶ Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
for your mercy is so plentiful.
¹⁷ Don’t hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
¹⁸ Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.

¹⁹ You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace.
You see all that my enemies are doing.
²⁰ Their insults have broken my heart,
and I am in despair.
If only one person would show some pity;
if only one would turn and comfort me.
²¹ But instead, they give me poison for food;
they offer me sour wine for my thirst.

²² Let the bountiful table set before them become a snare
and their prosperity become a trap.
²³ Let their eyes go blind so they cannot see,
and make their bodies shake continually.
²⁴ Pour out your fury on them;
consume them with your burning anger.
²⁵ Let their homes become desolate
and their tents be deserted.
²⁶ To the one you have punished, they add insult to injury;
they add to the pain of those you have hurt.
²⁷ Pile their sins up high,
and don’t let them go free.
²⁸ Erase their names from the Book of Life;
don’t let them be counted among the righteous.

David asks God to punish those who have sinned, and to ERASE their names from the "Book of Life". I don't understand what happens to those who are ERASED from the "Book of Life". Jews don't believe in hell. Christians at least have a place to send "EVIL" people. Yes there is evil in this world. But what happens to those who are erased? Where do they go?

²⁹ I am suffering and in pain.
Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.

³⁰ Then I will praise God’s name with singing,
and I will honor him with thanksgiving.
³¹ For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle,
more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves.
³² The humble will see their God at work and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
³³ For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisoned people.

³⁴ Praise him, O heaven and earth,
the seas and all that move in them.
³⁵ For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
³⁶ The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.

What a difference a week (or two) makes.

Let

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th lived up to its reputation. I started my day off with my wife telling me our daughter was in a car accident. As it turns out, her brakes went out. We had her tow it to one of those chain repair places and to have her call me as soon as they have it checked out.

After a while I received a call and the verdict $835 (and that was before taxes). Ouch!! This was a front to back brake system. New lines, pads, rotors, calipers, shoes, cables and drums. If I remember the car only cost us $800. Of course I could have done it at half the price. It's done and over with.

Taxed

Today, Friday the 13th, lived up to its horror. My morning started with my wife calling me about our daughter. Apparently her brakes went. I was afraid it was the master cylinder. I was happy to hear that she nor the other driver were hurt.

After that I had my daughter take her car to STS on Long Island, near where she is going to school.
They came back with a bill that topped out at over $800. Well I shit my pants. I honestly think that these repair places.

Running for the shelter for your mothers little helper.....

I'm learing and suffering as I'm learning about medicare and parts A, B, and D (don't know what happened to C). I am getting sick over 2 of my medications. I'm sure there are others, but I can only deal with what is on my plate. These 2 medications are Wellbutrin and Lamictal. I am actually using the generic versions of these meds, but don't recall their names. Each of these are almost $300 each for a 30 day supply. That is almost 1/2 of my Social Security Disability check. I am devastated over this.

How, in this country, did we get to this point. I thank God for the fact that these meds are available to help people like me. I was not function well in society prior to my finding my med coctail.

Mental Illness affects each person differently. I take Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Celexa, Seroquel, and Remeron. Many people with Bipolar Disorder take Lithium. As I have said before I suffer from Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Depression by itself can be treated mostly by medications. BPD is far more complex. Lamictal handles the anger part of BPD, but the underlying cause needs "Talk Therapy" to start working on a cure.

I am will NEVER be cured, I will be able to function and may function well. But as I have said in the past and I will say it over and over again until everyone understands "Mental Illness can be a terminal illness, and should be treated as such."

I NEED my meds. Not taking them is not an option. Something has to give.

Walter vs. Joe Biden

When I saw a picture a picture of VP Joe Biden sitting behind Barrack Obama, I saw an uncanny resemblance to Jeff Dunham's Walter.

Just in case you couldn't tell the difference Walter's on the le....right.

Disney for "Keith"

Separation of Church and State of Mind

Unfortunately I have this penchant for politics. In the past I would get angry, throw things, yell, and threaten. Today, I hardly raise an eyebrow. I have given up on politics. The American people are just too stupid to vote and yet they do.

There are people who voted for Obama because he wrote a book and gave good speeches. So did Hitler.

We're fucked!!!

Photographs and Memories.....

I grew up in a modest household. I died...no I was murdered there too. My family consisted of Mom, Dad and 3 children.

You hear it over and over again. “This company is just one big happy family.” “These people are just like family.” boy if that were the case I wouldn't have joined either group.

My family was not a fun place to grow up in. It was more closely related to Freddy Krueger's family. I was the youngest. By the time I was born, my “family” was already screwed up. I don't think my father ever wanted me. I was an accident. I honestly think that my existence repulsed him.

He was the subject of my therapy session. I brought in a piece of “Hotwheels” track that he would use to beat me (and my brothers) with. When my therapist got a hold of it, he was stunned. He then knew my pain. He also made an observation that hit me between the eyes. He said what was truly iniquitous was the idea that he used an innocent toy, and made it into a device of torture.

If you have children who are young enough (or old enough) to be playing with Hotwheels, take time out to check the pieces of track. If you don't have kids, go to a toy store to check it out. It will only be then that you will understand the horror.

Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder defined

I suffer (don't know of many who really enjoy mental illness) from Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. They are diagnosed as follows:

Depression - Diagnostic Criteria
Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
• Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
• Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
• Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
• a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
• impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
• recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• chronic feelings of emptiness
• inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom

The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.

I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.

Money makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go around.....

I checked out census.gov and we have an estimated 304 million people in the United States. Let's go with $789 billion stimulus package. That means the government could give every man, woman, and child $2,594,885. A family of four could get $10.4 million dollars. Octomom with her 14 kids and her parents would get $44.1 million dollars.

At $1.69 per gallon of gas you could fill a 20 gallon tank for the next 1400+ years.

That would be equivalent of each man, woman and child earning $7,110 per day, or 296 per hour or $5 per second.

This is staggering. Who is going to pay for it? There just aren't enough people in the US.

Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart is not known for bashing Democrats, but Democrats are funny, sometimes hilarious. Still can't stop laughing. Click the blog title to view the video.

A Day in the Life of Keith

An online friend of mine queried what an hour by hour account of my daily life would look like. What I penned will hopefully bring a chuckle to you all.

8:00am - Woke up. Dog is licking my face and pawing at me.

8:12am - Dog has been annoying me long enough, get up and let the dog out.

8:13am - Make a pot of coffee.

8:15am - Pour cup of coffee, and let the dog in. Dog goes running around the house like a race dog. Around the coffee table, down the hallway, up the hallway, around the kitchen table, and.start all over again. She'll do this maybe 10X.

8:30am - Finished cup of coffee. Lay down for nap.

10:30am - Get up. This time I decide to make breakfast. Today I'll make 3 egg omelet with onions, green peppers, some kinda meat (have to see what I have in the fridge), and cheese. I will make hash browns and rye toast to go with it. I start by grating 1/2 an onion and 2 small potatos. Mix them together and throw them into a pan with some oil. Hash browns take the longest so they go down on a low heat first. I then start chopping the other 1/2 of the onion and the top of a green pepper. I say the top because I have learn that if you slice the crown off the top of a geen pepper you can easily pull the core and seeds out with one shot. Fry them in my omelet pan. I have the perfect omelet pan. It's a flat cast iron pan that only has a 1/2 inch lip. Makes it easy to scoop under one side to flip it over to the other and then slide it off and onto a plat. I then throw the rye into the toaster oven. When it finishes cooking and they all work out to finish about the same time I plate it up and the sit down with a fresh cup of coffee.

11:22am - I get dressed, and then go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car. I look at the car and ponder how to attack this job. Right now I'm sick and tired of working on cars. I want a break. This just reminds me that although I am trained as a mechanic, I couldn't do it for a living. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

1:00pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder how to attack this job again. God am I sick and tired of working on cars. I need a break. This just proves that although I am trained as a mechanic, I am ill-equipt do it for a living Can't deal with the impatience and people aspect as well as the monoteny of doing it day in and day out. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

3:00pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder how to attack this job again. God, I don't know if I can look at this car again. I deserve a break. I hate cars and people. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

5:00pm - Make dinner. and eat it,

6:30pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder if I want to attack this job today. I hate cars. Gimme a break. I regret the day I was trained as a mechanic, this ain't my thing People suck and so do their cars. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

8:30pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder why bother it's 8:30 and really to late to work on any car today. I guess I start in the morning. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

9:00pm - I go downstairs to the garage to turn off the lights and radio. I'll start again in the morning. I go upstairs turn on the TV and check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

11:00pm - I lay down quietly and try to sleep. All I can think about is that damn f*%king car in the garage.

Stimulate this!

Ok. Let's take at look at what's happening around the country.

1. President calls on ultra left wing “Huffington Post” reporter at press conference.

   Could you imagine what would happen if Bush called on Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity This also legitimizes them and make them a “real” news entity. Helen Thomas needs to walk away. She's becoming a bad joke.

2. Woman marries dolphin.

   This is the next step here in America. It happened in UK, and as soon as we open the floodgates with the approval of gay marriage. NAMBLA's going to want marriage. Will this UK woman have to consummate the marriage. Talk about inter-species dating. Gives a whole new meaning to blowhole.

3. Rancher sued by trespassers on property.

   It reminds me of a joke I heard recent.

   Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

   Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

   Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time.' The terrorist 's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

   Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Just maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

   The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish? 'Kick me in the butt,' said the Marine. 'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?' 'No. I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,' insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader, dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11! In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him : 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?' 'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'And have you three idiots report that I was the aggressor....?'

   This rancher is being sued by trespassers on his property. He would have had less problems if he shot them.

4. Senate passes trillion dollar spending package.

   $1,000,000,000,000 when I grew up it was a make believe number. It was more than a Billion and less than a gazillion, and far less than a bazillion. They say it is an 800 page document costing us $820,000,000,000. That is a billion dollars a page.

God save the King, geez maybe the colonists had it wrong. It took us 230+ years to get back to the beginning. “No taxation without representation.

Be afraid, be very afraid. Once the government get their hooks into a program they never let go.

I'm all a twitter....

In these past couple of nights I've trying to work out a better way of blogging. So far it isn't easy. Sure if I had the money, I could set up my own server and have everything hunky doory. Hunky doory? I can't believe I said Hunky Doory.

To blog, or not to blog

To blog, or not to blog: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the smears and paper cuts of outrageous writing, or to take up laptop against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die: to sleep?

Ok, it's not that dire. As a matter of fact, it's been very good. My daughter is having an actual conversation with me. My son is actually having fun with me. I feel it is because I don't yell or scream as I did before. I also think it is because I am less demanding then I have been in the past. My wife disagrees but I think I am making progress. I don't deny that I've been sleeping to much. I will talk to my Doctor next Tuesday about the Meds I use to help me sleep. We just need a little tweaking, not an overhaul.

So the answer is.....

TO BLOG

P.S.: To those of you that I haven't spoken with in my hiatus. I'm sorry and I'm back. And please comment on my blog. Sometime I feel no one is reading it. Thanks.

In the beginning God created....

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

3 Then God said, “Let there be Keith” and there was Keith. 4 And God saw that Keith was good. Then he separated Keith from the rest of the world...

- Bible according to Keith

I guess the best place to start is in the beginng. God created this perfect little boy and placed him into Hell in hopes he would reform hell and make it one with God. Those who ran Hell named him Keith (same as me).

There were 4 entities in Hell that controlled everything. The first entity was "The enforcer". He was called Father or Dad. The second entity was "The Controller". She was called Mother or Mom. The third entity was "The corrupter", also known as "The thief of Innocence" or "Destoyer of Youth". His name was Brother or Joseph Jr. or Skipper. The forth entity was "Destoyer of Family". His name was Brother or Kevin.

The Controller would do whatever was neccessary to keep things her way and her way only. When she didn't have her head in the sand she could be seen around town wearing her rose colored glasses. If anything intruded on the delusion that her family was perfect she was able to deflect the intruder and make the situation about herself or somebody different.

The Enforcer delt out punishments The Controller felt needed to be addressed. He would also deal his own punishments. He would always use a belt or a piece of "Hotwheels" track. He would line the three underlings up in a row, youngest to oldest.

He would administer the punishments for whatever evil was done, by striking repeatly on the gluteus maximus, using either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. This did two things, it insulated The Enforcer from feeling any pain, and it left welts.

The Controller would preform the task of obligating you to any task she wanted. This is what drove wedges throughout. She keeps track of who owes what to who. She will also do things for you whether you wanted it done or not and then tell you it's for your enrichment or betterment, and then after you tire of arguing and accept her gift, you will then owe her. She also has the unique ability to not see the truth, even when it is explained to her. She goes to church "Religiously" and feel this enough to aid in her salvation. She is a religious person, but she lacks faith. She also feels that church (the physical structure) is where you find God.

The thief of Innocence removed all hope of youthful life. He was thought to be an alien because he used his abilities to probe the innocent. He would strip the outter shell of Keith, and rape him over and over again for many years. He was eventually incarcerated for preforming these acts on others. Durring this period he made The Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him. The Controller almost lost her life on one of these trips.

The Destoyer of Family used his powers to run away. He ran away from home, from school, from the Marines, from his first marraige, from family, and from his second marraige. He also made Then Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him.

The Keith had to not only be stronger but also wiser and more mature than any other member of hell. His childhood was stollen by all four entities. He tried to lift himself above the fold, but was pushed down at every chance. Although, he had good grades and even was accepted to a well known college for journalism Dowling College, he was unable to attend because the family fortune and wasted on the two criminals.

Now you know the basis for all my ills. I am doing better now but that is a step up from suicide almost three years ago. I am far from cured, so I will take you on a trip through my life, my friends and my healing process.

Come along for the ride.i

This is the start of something incredible...

I wanted to start this blog off by looking at where I've been, and where I'm at today, and where I want to head as well as where I am actually heading.

I am making this first blog short as I am starting on blogger.com and I have really don't have much to say right now except that if you want to see my previous blog you can hop on over to my MySpace page and check it out.

I going to make a good effort try to let the nworld know what "Borderline Personality Disorder" is, and also what "Bipolar Disorder" is. Hopefully through me you might see a friend or even yourself.

P.S.: I am looking for sponsors if anyone is interested in paying my bills. Keep an eye out for me and try to let me know what you're thinking about.