I really couldn't wait to write this post. I am sitting at a local watering hole and watching. Watching people treat other people, pretty poorly. There is this one guy who has very visible emotional problems. There are 2 guys and 1 woman who are mistreating this guy. They know he is drunk, yet they sit there making fun of him. I just watched as the bartender trying to restock the bar had 2 cases of bar in her hand trying to get past this other guy at the end of the bar and the guy wouldn't move. He was too busy kissing the bartender from another bars ass. There are 12 guys and 2 girls in the bar. The girls are hanging with the bad BOYS and are wondering where the gentle MEN are.
Wake up people. Especially you women. Bad boys will NEVER be gentlemen. You can't train someone. They are who they are. Don't ever think that you will marry someone and hope they change.
And to those who are mistreating the other drunk individual...well what goes around, comes around. Someday, you mat be alone, or get into an accident and need assistance. God is the only one who knows your fate. Don't ever say, that will never happen to me, because it might.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Being Forgotten: Part II
today was the first day that these three girls from Ohio were home in 10 years. It again shows how we have become numb to our neighbors. We don't care about them, nor do we want to know who they are! We hide our heads in the sand and look the other way. We dare not learn about those who live around us.
Why have we become so insensitive to our fellow men?
It was only a month ago they spoke about the children that were left to fend for themselves after their mothers passed away. In the past month I have seen no change. We don't check on our neighbors, our friends, our associates. We don't do the Christian thing and look after each other. Many say we're Christians. I see it on Facebook although time how people proclaim they are Christians. I get postings about how we need to start a Christian revival.
Christ would be ashamed of most of you. Christ would never turn his back on anyone. If Christ saw you and you were hungry, he would feed you. If you were thirsty, he would quench your thirst. And if you needed comforting, he would comfort you.
I'm not saying you have to be like Christ, but I am saying that we need to get to know each other. Whoever sitting next to you right now turn to him or her and ask them "How you doing?" Get to know who they are. If you know somebody who lives by themselves invite them over for dinner. Put down you iPhone and say hello.
Why have we become so insensitive to our fellow men?
It was only a month ago they spoke about the children that were left to fend for themselves after their mothers passed away. In the past month I have seen no change. We don't check on our neighbors, our friends, our associates. We don't do the Christian thing and look after each other. Many say we're Christians. I see it on Facebook although time how people proclaim they are Christians. I get postings about how we need to start a Christian revival.
Christ would be ashamed of most of you. Christ would never turn his back on anyone. If Christ saw you and you were hungry, he would feed you. If you were thirsty, he would quench your thirst. And if you needed comforting, he would comfort you.
I'm not saying you have to be like Christ, but I am saying that we need to get to know each other. Whoever sitting next to you right now turn to him or her and ask them "How you doing?" Get to know who they are. If you know somebody who lives by themselves invite them over for dinner. Put down you iPhone and say hello.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Rebecca's Dream and Keith's Nightmare.
I was reading a story about Rebecca Cutler http://www.rebeccacutlerfoundation.org/index.htm. A 30 year old girl who died of Depression. It was fascinating how the family congregated around this young lady and supported her.
I have a friend of mine who also has Bipolar Disorder, from her stories she did some horrible things to her husband, make false accusations and costing him his dream job. He stood beside her and her illness. Today he is facing cancer and his wife is returning the favor.
I have another friend who's husband has a rare illness that might take his life at any point. Did she say "Fuck this I didn't sign up for this I'm out of here!!". No she continued to support her family and be a wife.
I have yet another friend of mine, who's wife and daughter are out of control. He works in the Mental Health Field, Sits on the County Mental Health Board and then has to come home to deal with his wife's mental illness. Been doing it for quite some time as I am to understand.
You know what I get.... "Don't blame me for what they can see themselves. Now if you don't mind I am at work. You know the thing that you are not capable of doing." She thinks that I'm faking it. She thinks that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't real illnesses. This is the compassion I get from her.
She belittles and berates me in front of the kids. She let's them know that all the financial problems are because I am lazy, not ill. She allows theses kids to treat me with disdain. I CAN blame her for what SHE says about me in front of the kids. I CAN blame HER for BAD MOUTHING me in front of the kids.
I have a friend of mine who also has Bipolar Disorder, from her stories she did some horrible things to her husband, make false accusations and costing him his dream job. He stood beside her and her illness. Today he is facing cancer and his wife is returning the favor.
I have another friend who's husband has a rare illness that might take his life at any point. Did she say "Fuck this I didn't sign up for this I'm out of here!!". No she continued to support her family and be a wife.
I have yet another friend of mine, who's wife and daughter are out of control. He works in the Mental Health Field, Sits on the County Mental Health Board and then has to come home to deal with his wife's mental illness. Been doing it for quite some time as I am to understand.
You know what I get.... "Don't blame me for what they can see themselves. Now if you don't mind I am at work. You know the thing that you are not capable of doing." She thinks that I'm faking it. She thinks that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't real illnesses. This is the compassion I get from her.
She belittles and berates me in front of the kids. She let's them know that all the financial problems are because I am lazy, not ill. She allows theses kids to treat me with disdain. I CAN blame her for what SHE says about me in front of the kids. I CAN blame HER for BAD MOUTHING me in front of the kids.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Happy Father's Day...
Well here it is, another chance for my children to hurt me. I never beat my Kids, they NEVER spent one second bare assed over my knee being beaten with either a "Hotwheels" track or a plastic spoon. In my house and to the best of my knowledge they were never raped. They never had to endure the pain that I did. The never had to be let down over and over again because another sibling needed a lawyer or to be let out of jail. The worse I ever did to these kids was yell at them and throw things in their general direction. I never intended to hit them and considering I am 6'3" and currently weight in at 350lbs and a Honorably Discharge Marine, if I ever did hit them the would have been hospitalized.
I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.
What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.
My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).
The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.
My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".
Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....
I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.
What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.
My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).
The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.
My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".
Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....
"Happy Father's Day"
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
My wife thinks she knows Borderline Personality Disorder.....she is.....clueless.
One thing I have noticed is that Ilene and my Mother are of the same cloth. My mother has this little Autistic girl living next door. She knows more about autism than she does about he own sons Borderline Personality Disorder.
Ilene claims that Eric is Manic Depressive and inherited it from me. It could have been inherited from either one of us, but if it makes it easier for her to blame me, then, OK it's my fault.
She suspects he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). NO PROOF. It is a learned behavior. She says he learned it from me. I believed that he learned it from her actions toward me. She allows him to tell me to "Go fuck myself", "Drop dead", "Go commit suicide", "Go drive your car off the road". I would NEVER let him talk to her that way. And yet she allows him to disrespect me.
If Eric does have BPD he needs to be diagnosed and TREATED. There is no Medication in the world to treat BPD
I believe Ilene and my mother bother suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not a Therapist or Psychiatrist. But her symptoms fit.
What Are the Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:
* Are self-centered and boastful
* Seek constant attention and admiration
* Consider themselves better than others
* Exaggerate their talents and achievements
* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
* Are easily hurt but may not show it
* Set unrealistic goals
* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals
Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:
* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
* Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.
When I read this (thinking about my mother) I saw Ilene. It is intriguing when I speak to mutual friends and how she will shut people out of her life who don't agree 100% with her. Even her sister-inlaw and brother when they didn't agree with her she blocked her from her facebook. For Gods sake, we've been out of High School for a couple of years now.
If she truly loves her son and her daughter as I do, she will get them to therapy. Let a trained professional diagnose and help them.
If she ever intends to be happy, she needs therapy also. She blames me for things that happened over 20 years ago. That I LEGALLY had NO choice. Emotionally I was setup for a fall. If I forced her to do one thing or not do it, I would be controlling. I am blamed for not being there? There was no right choice for me!!! It was not MY CHOICE.
Ilene claims that Eric is Manic Depressive and inherited it from me. It could have been inherited from either one of us, but if it makes it easier for her to blame me, then, OK it's my fault.
She suspects he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). NO PROOF. It is a learned behavior. She says he learned it from me. I believed that he learned it from her actions toward me. She allows him to tell me to "Go fuck myself", "Drop dead", "Go commit suicide", "Go drive your car off the road". I would NEVER let him talk to her that way. And yet she allows him to disrespect me.
If Eric does have BPD he needs to be diagnosed and TREATED. There is no Medication in the world to treat BPD
I believe Ilene and my mother bother suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not a Therapist or Psychiatrist. But her symptoms fit.
What Are the Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:
* Are self-centered and boastful
* Seek constant attention and admiration
* Consider themselves better than others
* Exaggerate their talents and achievements
* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
* Are easily hurt but may not show it
* Set unrealistic goals
* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals
Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:
* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
* Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.
When I read this (thinking about my mother) I saw Ilene. It is intriguing when I speak to mutual friends and how she will shut people out of her life who don't agree 100% with her. Even her sister-inlaw and brother when they didn't agree with her she blocked her from her facebook. For Gods sake, we've been out of High School for a couple of years now.
If she truly loves her son and her daughter as I do, she will get them to therapy. Let a trained professional diagnose and help them.
If she ever intends to be happy, she needs therapy also. She blames me for things that happened over 20 years ago. That I LEGALLY had NO choice. Emotionally I was setup for a fall. If I forced her to do one thing or not do it, I would be controlling. I am blamed for not being there? There was no right choice for me!!! It was not MY CHOICE.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
New beginings.....
My wife wants me out of the house, and I want out of the marriage. This was a mistake, and it should have been finished years ago.
Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.
I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.
I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.
I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.
So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.
I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.
I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.
I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.
I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.
Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.
I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.
I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.
I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.
So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.
I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.
I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.
I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.
I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really get pissed when I work to protect the man behind the curtain and I screw it up. "West Slide Story was one of those attemps. My wife showed me this new Broadway Musical for the ages and I wanted to share it my readers. Facebook is a "MIRROR" of my regular blog. Facebook did not "MIRROR" anything. It failed.
So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.
stillkeith.blogspot.com
So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.
stillkeith.blogspot.com
Monday, May 25, 2009
If you've noticed, I have been on my mark lately.
I've been doing some soul searching lately. God and I have been having some deep conversations. I know my Borderline Personality Disorder has something to do with this, but I'm still hashing it out how.
The Borderline Beast has been showing his face around. I know it's because I'm off my medications, but I have little choice. The medications are so expensive. And the price of every other thing is going up. $35 to fill up the tank. $40 for brake parts. $150 for muffler parts. Kids are even more expensive.
I need a vacation. I need to bang myhead against a wall. I feel so vacant
The Borderline Beast has been showing his face around. I know it's because I'm off my medications, but I have little choice. The medications are so expensive. And the price of every other thing is going up. $35 to fill up the tank. $40 for brake parts. $150 for muffler parts. Kids are even more expensive.
I need a vacation. I need to bang myhead against a wall. I feel so vacant
Saturday, May 16, 2009
My wife just doesn't get it....
It is impossible for my wife (let alone anybody else) can even begin to fathom my childhood. My wife can see it from the outside. She saw how my father treated me as an adult, but she never saw how he beat me with the "Hotwheels Track". I have that track above my door to remind me.
She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct. She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants. You're the bad one.
She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.
She thinks BPD is made up. She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.
She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily. She equates my kids childhood to mine.
All I wanted was my garage back. My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me. When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do. It's now out of my hands.
No matter what happens I say yes from now on. Whatever he wants he gets. That's how she wants it.
I'm screaming on the inside right now. My wife is threatening to throw me out. Where do I go? She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright. I have no place to go. It's not as if anyone will have me.
He even lied to my wife about detention. My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not. He told her no. That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention. He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it. He's not only a liar but also a cheat.
It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with. I want to... I need to feel something. Anything.
She just doesn't understand how I go like this.
My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week. He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.
HELP ME!!!!!
She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct. She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants. You're the bad one.
She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.
She thinks BPD is made up. She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.
She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily. She equates my kids childhood to mine.
All I wanted was my garage back. My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me. When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do. It's now out of my hands.
No matter what happens I say yes from now on. Whatever he wants he gets. That's how she wants it.
I'm screaming on the inside right now. My wife is threatening to throw me out. Where do I go? She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright. I have no place to go. It's not as if anyone will have me.
He even lied to my wife about detention. My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not. He told her no. That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention. He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it. He's not only a liar but also a cheat.
It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with. I want to... I need to feel something. Anything.
She just doesn't understand how I go like this.
My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week. He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.
HELP ME!!!!!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
BPD & Skip
I have finally found a Borderline Personality Disorder organization.
http://bpdfamily.com/
After joining the the group they sent me the following message:
You have just been sent a personal message by Skip on .
IMPORTANT: Remember, this is just a notification. Please do not reply to this email.
Hi katowell,
Having a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in your life is often challenging. We hope you will find the education, support and tools needed to help you face these challenges.
BPD is a complex disorder and experts encourage family members to have an experienced and knowledgeable support system. Dialogue is the cornerstone of ours. Posting helps clarify thoughts - and it prompts others to challenge our thinking. When we dialogue, we all learn.
I encourage you to review this quick orientation: Helpful information on how to work through these difficult times.
If you have any questions - or suggestions - please contact me or one of the moderators, advisors, or ambassadors. We're all here to help you. Welcome to the family.
Skippy
Now ain't that a kick in the head. My brother Skipper was one of those that caused my Borderline Personality Disorder.
It sent shivers down my spine. I don't know if I can remain a member if Skip is sending me a reply.
http://bpdfamily.com/
After joining the the group they sent me the following message:
You have just been sent a personal message by Skip on .
IMPORTANT: Remember, this is just a notification. Please do not reply to this email.
Hi katowell,
Having a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in your life is often challenging. We hope you will find the education, support and tools needed to help you face these challenges.
BPD is a complex disorder and experts encourage family members to have an experienced and knowledgeable support system. Dialogue is the cornerstone of ours. Posting helps clarify thoughts - and it prompts others to challenge our thinking. When we dialogue, we all learn.
I encourage you to review this quick orientation: Helpful information on how to work through these difficult times.
If you have any questions - or suggestions - please contact me or one of the moderators, advisors, or ambassadors. We're all here to help you. Welcome to the family.
Skippy
Now ain't that a kick in the head. My brother Skipper was one of those that caused my Borderline Personality Disorder.
It sent shivers down my spine. I don't know if I can remain a member if Skip is sending me a reply.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday...Saturday...
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was dating this very young and lovely Generals daughter everything was going fine until I turned araound and she was now a General.
Has nothing to do with tonight's topic. Just thought you'ld like to look into a warped brain. Part of my Borderline Personality Disorder is that I won't let things go. It eats away at me until it consumes my every thought.
I am angry at what this GUY did to the young girl. It was 3 days ago but I am still very angry.
Now comes Saturday and I am still consumed by this anger. It will probably stay with me until I get to speak to him and straighten out his flawed thinking.
BPD don'tlike to be cornered. They don't need to be feel like an outsider. They need to feel like they are part of something that they can control, something that they can make thier own, something that won't trap them.
Has nothing to do with tonight's topic. Just thought you'ld like to look into a warped brain. Part of my Borderline Personality Disorder is that I won't let things go. It eats away at me until it consumes my every thought.
I am angry at what this GUY did to the young girl. It was 3 days ago but I am still very angry.
Now comes Saturday and I am still consumed by this anger. It will probably stay with me until I get to speak to him and straighten out his flawed thinking.
BPD don'tlike to be cornered. They don't need to be feel like an outsider. They need to feel like they are part of something that they can control, something that they can make thier own, something that won't trap them.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Can't find a Wednesday song....
I'm usually pretty good with the music titles. I just can't think of a good Wednesday song.
In my Wednesday group meeting we had a new girl come. She is 18 and looked like she is currently in a fragile state. There is another GUY who comes to our group every week. He was selling a place that is suppose to reach out to the Mental Health consumers. I think the place has more problems than it is worth.
This GUY was almost badgering her into going to this place. BPD's don'tlike to be cornered. They fight thier ways out of a corner. This is the defense mechanism that is built into a BPD.
I thought it was time to revisit BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4.) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5.) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6.) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days
7.) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
8.) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom
The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.
I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.
In my Wednesday group meeting we had a new girl come. She is 18 and looked like she is currently in a fragile state. There is another GUY who comes to our group every week. He was selling a place that is suppose to reach out to the Mental Health consumers. I think the place has more problems than it is worth.
This GUY was almost badgering her into going to this place. BPD's don'tlike to be cornered. They fight thier ways out of a corner. This is the defense mechanism that is built into a BPD.
I thought it was time to revisit BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5
2.) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4.) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5.) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6.) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days
7.) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
8.) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom
The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.
I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I have been soooo.....
People who know me, know that I have certain gifts. I can sometimes see into the future. Not always, but if I concentrate I can tune into these gifts. I sometimes scare my wife. I don't always tell her what I see. It might scare her even more. (plus I promised I would never tell her if it was about her.)
Sometimes like this past week, the gift comes to me. This whole "Mustang Sally" business is one of those incidences. I have had other visions this week also. They started about the same time.
I guess my wife is going to ask me, and when I tell I don't know exactly, she will then imagine it is her. But it isn't, I just have a feeling. Nothing more.
It's just like a calling. Like I found tarot cards that I put away for a while. Something is calling to me. Until I figure it out, that's all it is... A CALLING.
To those people that don't know me.....forget everything I said. I'm crazy.
Sometimes like this past week, the gift comes to me. This whole "Mustang Sally" business is one of those incidences. I have had other visions this week also. They started about the same time.
I guess my wife is going to ask me, and when I tell I don't know exactly, she will then imagine it is her. But it isn't, I just have a feeling. Nothing more.
It's just like a calling. Like I found tarot cards that I put away for a while. Something is calling to me. Until I figure it out, that's all it is... A CALLING.
To those people that don't know me.....forget everything I said. I'm crazy.
Took a quiz.....
Your Result: Yeah, your out of your damn mind!
Wow, how have the men in white coats not carried you off to a padded room yet? So is there tin foil in your hat at this very moment? Do the squirrels in your yard tell you what lottery numbers to play? Do you wash your hands every 9.7 minutes to make sure the space bacteria planted by the CIA in the pockets of your jeans doesn't make your face melt off? My money is on yes to at least one of those. Hey but the good news is now your qualified to either run for public office once they let you out of inpatient, or you can make a pretty lucrative living on a street corner in a major city pan handling and screaming at passers by about the impending end of the world at the hands of the Disney corporation, because micky is coming for us all my friends and he wants to make you his B!*%#.
Mustang Sally Part 2
Wow. I hate when this happens. On Saturday, I used the music title "Mustang Sally" as part of my blog. I haven't heard that song in years. Then comes today, Monday. I'm watching "Fox and Friends" in the morning, and sure enough Kevin Bacon and his brother played "Mustang Sally". Coincidence? I think not. This proves that Kevin Bacon reads my blog.
He thinks I'm important.
He thinks I'm important.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Mustang Sally's got the Spirit
After the Eric's Mustang caught fire (it was electrical and not related to what I was working on) I felt it would take too much time and money to make the Mustang runable. We decided to go out and get him another car that he could use to get around.
We got him a 94 Dodge Spirit. I started driving the car and felt that the brakes needed to be addressed. I started by bleeding the brakes to see where we are.
The back brakes went fine, but when I got to the front right bleed, absolutely nothing came out. I even removed the bleeder valve altogether and nothing came out.
It was at this point that I decided to replace the brake lines. All of them.
And that is the task ahead of me. That and the Mustang will be stripped down and rebuilt from the bottom up.
Wish me luck.
We got him a 94 Dodge Spirit. I started driving the car and felt that the brakes needed to be addressed. I started by bleeding the brakes to see where we are.
The back brakes went fine, but when I got to the front right bleed, absolutely nothing came out. I even removed the bleeder valve altogether and nothing came out.
It was at this point that I decided to replace the brake lines. All of them.
And that is the task ahead of me. That and the Mustang will be stripped down and rebuilt from the bottom up.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I'm all raw..
I've been working on my son's car. My hands are ripped to shreds. My knee is swollen. It's painful for me to type so I will be short.
Monday, April 20, 2009
And it burns, burns, burns, that O-Ring of fire, that O-Ring of fire......
For those of you who know me, have heard my history with cars. Well yesterday I set another car on fire. Again I took it for a test drive and again there was blazing flames coming from the engine compartment.
Neither of these fires has anything to do with the actual work I did.
Neither of these fires has anything to do with the actual work I did.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I haven't been faithful to my blog.
If you've noticed I haven't been blogging as often as I had in the past. I sometimes think there is no one out there listening to me at all. I hope I am giving as much as I can.
Today I had my Saturday DBSA meeting and again no one showed up. I see people all the time on the news and in the papers who have reached the end of their ropes. A guy kills his family, and then himself. Cops who through the stress of the job "Bite a Bullet".
These people are friends and family. There is always a sign. There always a chance to fix things. All to often the self-medicate through drugs and Alcohol. Reach out them, read the signs. It may all be one twist to many that sets them off. You just have to see the signs.
Depression if left untreated can be a fatal illness.
Today I had my Saturday DBSA meeting and again no one showed up. I see people all the time on the news and in the papers who have reached the end of their ropes. A guy kills his family, and then himself. Cops who through the stress of the job "Bite a Bullet".
These people are friends and family. There is always a sign. There always a chance to fix things. All to often the self-medicate through drugs and Alcohol. Reach out them, read the signs. It may all be one twist to many that sets them off. You just have to see the signs.
Depression if left untreated can be a fatal illness.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Psalm 69 (Get your heads out of the gutter)
People who know me, know that I am a faithful man. I try to be a righteous person. I am not without sin. I am not perfect. I read my Bible on a regular basis. Yesterday I did what I do when I want god to guide me. I fan the pages of the book and stick my finger in. God always points me to the passage I need to read at that time.
I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".
I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.
I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
2 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
3 I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
4 Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.
I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.
the seas and all that move in them.
35 For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
36 The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.
I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".
I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.
I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
2 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
3 I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
4 Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.
I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.
5 O God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
6 Don’t let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
O Sovereign L
Don’t let me cause them to be humiliated,
O God of Israel.
7 For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
8 Even my own brothers pretend they don’t know me;
they treat me like a stranger.
9 Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.
10 When I weep and fast,
they scoff at me.
11 When I dress in burlap to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
12 I am the favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.
13 But I keep praying to you, L
hoping this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
14 Rescue me from the mud;
don’t let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me,
and pull me from these deep waters.
15 Don’t let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.
16 Answer my prayers, O L
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
for your mercy is so plentiful.
17 Don’t hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
18 Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.
19 You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace.
You see all that my enemies are doing.
20 Their insults have broken my heart,
and I am in despair.
If only one person would show some pity;
if only one would turn and comfort me.
21 But instead, they give me poison for food;
they offer me sour wine for my thirst.
22 Let the bountiful table set before them become a snare
and their prosperity become a trap.
23 Let their eyes go blind so they cannot see,
and make their bodies shake continually.
24 Pour out your fury on them;
consume them with your burning anger.
25 Let their homes become desolate
and their tents be deserted.
26 To the one you have punished, they add insult to injury;
they add to the pain of those you have hurt.
27 Pile their sins up high,
and don’t let them go free.
28 Erase their names from the Book of Life;
don’t let them be counted among the righteous.
David asks God to punish those who have sinned, and to ERASE their names from the "Book of Life". I don't understand what happens to those who are ERASED from the "Book of Life". Jews don't believe in hell. Christians at least have a place to send "EVIL" people. Yes there is evil in this world. But what happens to those who are erased? Where do they go?
29 I am suffering and in pain.
Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.
30 Then I will praise God’s name with singing,
and I will honor him with thanksgiving.
31 For this will please the L
more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves.
32 The humble will see their God at work and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
33 For the L
he does not despise his imprisoned people.
the seas and all that move in them.
35 For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
36 The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.
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