My son came to me today and wanted me to give him money to go clothes shopping. I explained to him that I would be more than happy to go clothes shopping with him.
He told me no and that he didn't want me going with him. And then threatened to go to wife's attorney if I wouldn't give him the money to go clothes shopping. He declared himself an adult (he's only 17). And after telling him for the 4th time that I wasn't going to hand him the money, he maturely told me to go fuck myself, to comit suicide, to go drive my car into a tree.
Real mature. Real responsible.
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Showing posts with label Bipolar Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bipolar Disorder. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Rebecca's Dream and Keith's Nightmare.
I was reading a story about Rebecca Cutler http://www.rebeccacutlerfoundation.org/index.htm. A 30 year old girl who died of Depression. It was fascinating how the family congregated around this young lady and supported her.
I have a friend of mine who also has Bipolar Disorder, from her stories she did some horrible things to her husband, make false accusations and costing him his dream job. He stood beside her and her illness. Today he is facing cancer and his wife is returning the favor.
I have another friend who's husband has a rare illness that might take his life at any point. Did she say "Fuck this I didn't sign up for this I'm out of here!!". No she continued to support her family and be a wife.
I have yet another friend of mine, who's wife and daughter are out of control. He works in the Mental Health Field, Sits on the County Mental Health Board and then has to come home to deal with his wife's mental illness. Been doing it for quite some time as I am to understand.
You know what I get.... "Don't blame me for what they can see themselves. Now if you don't mind I am at work. You know the thing that you are not capable of doing." She thinks that I'm faking it. She thinks that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't real illnesses. This is the compassion I get from her.
She belittles and berates me in front of the kids. She let's them know that all the financial problems are because I am lazy, not ill. She allows theses kids to treat me with disdain. I CAN blame her for what SHE says about me in front of the kids. I CAN blame HER for BAD MOUTHING me in front of the kids.
I have a friend of mine who also has Bipolar Disorder, from her stories she did some horrible things to her husband, make false accusations and costing him his dream job. He stood beside her and her illness. Today he is facing cancer and his wife is returning the favor.
I have another friend who's husband has a rare illness that might take his life at any point. Did she say "Fuck this I didn't sign up for this I'm out of here!!". No she continued to support her family and be a wife.
I have yet another friend of mine, who's wife and daughter are out of control. He works in the Mental Health Field, Sits on the County Mental Health Board and then has to come home to deal with his wife's mental illness. Been doing it for quite some time as I am to understand.
You know what I get.... "Don't blame me for what they can see themselves. Now if you don't mind I am at work. You know the thing that you are not capable of doing." She thinks that I'm faking it. She thinks that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't real illnesses. This is the compassion I get from her.
She belittles and berates me in front of the kids. She let's them know that all the financial problems are because I am lazy, not ill. She allows theses kids to treat me with disdain. I CAN blame her for what SHE says about me in front of the kids. I CAN blame HER for BAD MOUTHING me in front of the kids.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Congratulations Eric!!!!
Today, after an agonizing 14 years of Schooling (Pre-K and K-12), my son has his diploma in hand. I am so very proud of him and I hope he knows that no matter what he says or does to me, I am his father and he is my son, and I love him.
Originally I was going to be "punished" by not being allowed to come at all, but they changed their minds and procured a ticket for me in the Auditorium where you get to see your child graduate on "Jumbotron". Ilene and Cassie were to sit in the Gymnasium and see it live. Thankfully, God was being good to me and brought me good weather. With the good weather they held the Commencement Exercise outdoors, and it became a moot point.
My wife made a comment in the car on the way over. She says to me "I hope you know that those are Stadium seating, and the only reason you got those was because of me." All I could see at that moment was my mother. It was almost as if she were saying "You should happy for the crumbs I toss to you, now come and kiss my feet."
This is my son for God's sake. It's not like it was the guy down the end of the block's birthday. Ilene should have used the opportunity to teach my son what it RIGHT. She should have used the chance to explain to Eric that I am his father and that I had just as much right to be there as she did. No, she had to control the situation (again, just like my mother).
I will always have a special place in my heart for Ilene. As I have said in the past, I knew from the very first moment I met her, that I was going to marry her, have a family together, and then grow old together. How's that song go "2 out of 3 ain't bad". But I am so happy that things are changing.
So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today.
My wife made a comment in the car on the way over. She says to me "I hope you know that those are Stadium seating, and the only reason you got those was because of me." All I could see at that moment was my mother. It was almost as if she were saying "You should happy for the crumbs I toss to you, now come and kiss my feet."
This is my son for God's sake. It's not like it was the guy down the end of the block's birthday. Ilene should have used the opportunity to teach my son what it RIGHT. She should have used the chance to explain to Eric that I am his father and that I had just as much right to be there as she did. No, she had to control the situation (again, just like my mother).
So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Happy Father's Day...
Well here it is, another chance for my children to hurt me. I never beat my Kids, they NEVER spent one second bare assed over my knee being beaten with either a "Hotwheels" track or a plastic spoon. In my house and to the best of my knowledge they were never raped. They never had to endure the pain that I did. The never had to be let down over and over again because another sibling needed a lawyer or to be let out of jail. The worse I ever did to these kids was yell at them and throw things in their general direction. I never intended to hit them and considering I am 6'3" and currently weight in at 350lbs and a Honorably Discharge Marine, if I ever did hit them the would have been hospitalized.
I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.
What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.
My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).
The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.
My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".
Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....
I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.
What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.
My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).
The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.
My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".
Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....
"Happy Father's Day"
Sunday, June 7, 2009
New beginings.....
My wife wants me out of the house, and I want out of the marriage. This was a mistake, and it should have been finished years ago.
Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.
I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.
I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.
I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.
So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.
I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.
I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.
I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.
I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.
Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.
I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.
I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.
I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.
So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.
I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.
I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.
I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.
I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really get pissed when I work to protect the man behind the curtain and I screw it up. "West Slide Story was one of those attemps. My wife showed me this new Broadway Musical for the ages and I wanted to share it my readers. Facebook is a "MIRROR" of my regular blog. Facebook did not "MIRROR" anything. It failed.
So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.
stillkeith.blogspot.com
So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.
stillkeith.blogspot.com
Saturday, May 16, 2009
My wife just doesn't get it....
It is impossible for my wife (let alone anybody else) can even begin to fathom my childhood. My wife can see it from the outside. She saw how my father treated me as an adult, but she never saw how he beat me with the "Hotwheels Track". I have that track above my door to remind me.
She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct. She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants. You're the bad one.
She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.
She thinks BPD is made up. She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.
She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily. She equates my kids childhood to mine.
All I wanted was my garage back. My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me. When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do. It's now out of my hands.
No matter what happens I say yes from now on. Whatever he wants he gets. That's how she wants it.
I'm screaming on the inside right now. My wife is threatening to throw me out. Where do I go? She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright. I have no place to go. It's not as if anyone will have me.
He even lied to my wife about detention. My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not. He told her no. That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention. He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it. He's not only a liar but also a cheat.
It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with. I want to... I need to feel something. Anything.
She just doesn't understand how I go like this.
My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week. He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.
HELP ME!!!!!
She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct. She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants. You're the bad one.
She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.
She thinks BPD is made up. She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.
She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily. She equates my kids childhood to mine.
All I wanted was my garage back. My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me. When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do. It's now out of my hands.
No matter what happens I say yes from now on. Whatever he wants he gets. That's how she wants it.
I'm screaming on the inside right now. My wife is threatening to throw me out. Where do I go? She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright. I have no place to go. It's not as if anyone will have me.
He even lied to my wife about detention. My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not. He told her no. That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention. He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it. He's not only a liar but also a cheat.
It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with. I want to... I need to feel something. Anything.
She just doesn't understand how I go like this.
My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week. He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.
HELP ME!!!!!
Monday, May 4, 2009
I have been soooo.....
People who know me, know that I have certain gifts. I can sometimes see into the future. Not always, but if I concentrate I can tune into these gifts. I sometimes scare my wife. I don't always tell her what I see. It might scare her even more. (plus I promised I would never tell her if it was about her.)
Sometimes like this past week, the gift comes to me. This whole "Mustang Sally" business is one of those incidences. I have had other visions this week also. They started about the same time.
I guess my wife is going to ask me, and when I tell I don't know exactly, she will then imagine it is her. But it isn't, I just have a feeling. Nothing more.
It's just like a calling. Like I found tarot cards that I put away for a while. Something is calling to me. Until I figure it out, that's all it is... A CALLING.
To those people that don't know me.....forget everything I said. I'm crazy.
Sometimes like this past week, the gift comes to me. This whole "Mustang Sally" business is one of those incidences. I have had other visions this week also. They started about the same time.
I guess my wife is going to ask me, and when I tell I don't know exactly, she will then imagine it is her. But it isn't, I just have a feeling. Nothing more.
It's just like a calling. Like I found tarot cards that I put away for a while. Something is calling to me. Until I figure it out, that's all it is... A CALLING.
To those people that don't know me.....forget everything I said. I'm crazy.
Took a quiz.....
Your Result: Yeah, your out of your damn mind!
Wow, how have the men in white coats not carried you off to a padded room yet? So is there tin foil in your hat at this very moment? Do the squirrels in your yard tell you what lottery numbers to play? Do you wash your hands every 9.7 minutes to make sure the space bacteria planted by the CIA in the pockets of your jeans doesn't make your face melt off? My money is on yes to at least one of those. Hey but the good news is now your qualified to either run for public office once they let you out of inpatient, or you can make a pretty lucrative living on a street corner in a major city pan handling and screaming at passers by about the impending end of the world at the hands of the Disney corporation, because micky is coming for us all my friends and he wants to make you his B!*%#.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Psalm 69 (Get your heads out of the gutter)
People who know me, know that I am a faithful man. I try to be a righteous person. I am not without sin. I am not perfect. I read my Bible on a regular basis. Yesterday I did what I do when I want god to guide me. I fan the pages of the book and stick my finger in. God always points me to the passage I need to read at that time.
I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".
I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.
I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
2 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
3 I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
4 Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.
I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.
the seas and all that move in them.
35 For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
36 The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.
I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".
I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.
I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
2 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
3 I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
4 Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.
I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.
5 O God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
6 Don’t let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
O Sovereign L
Don’t let me cause them to be humiliated,
O God of Israel.
7 For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
8 Even my own brothers pretend they don’t know me;
they treat me like a stranger.
9 Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.
10 When I weep and fast,
they scoff at me.
11 When I dress in burlap to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
12 I am the favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.
13 But I keep praying to you, L
hoping this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
14 Rescue me from the mud;
don’t let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me,
and pull me from these deep waters.
15 Don’t let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.
16 Answer my prayers, O L
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
for your mercy is so plentiful.
17 Don’t hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
18 Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.
19 You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace.
You see all that my enemies are doing.
20 Their insults have broken my heart,
and I am in despair.
If only one person would show some pity;
if only one would turn and comfort me.
21 But instead, they give me poison for food;
they offer me sour wine for my thirst.
22 Let the bountiful table set before them become a snare
and their prosperity become a trap.
23 Let their eyes go blind so they cannot see,
and make their bodies shake continually.
24 Pour out your fury on them;
consume them with your burning anger.
25 Let their homes become desolate
and their tents be deserted.
26 To the one you have punished, they add insult to injury;
they add to the pain of those you have hurt.
27 Pile their sins up high,
and don’t let them go free.
28 Erase their names from the Book of Life;
don’t let them be counted among the righteous.
David asks God to punish those who have sinned, and to ERASE their names from the "Book of Life". I don't understand what happens to those who are ERASED from the "Book of Life". Jews don't believe in hell. Christians at least have a place to send "EVIL" people. Yes there is evil in this world. But what happens to those who are erased? Where do they go?
29 I am suffering and in pain.
Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.
30 Then I will praise God’s name with singing,
and I will honor him with thanksgiving.
31 For this will please the L
more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves.
32 The humble will see their God at work and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
33 For the L
he does not despise his imprisoned people.
the seas and all that move in them.
35 For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
36 The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder defined
I suffer (don't know of many who really enjoy mental illness) from Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. They are diagnosed as follows:
Depression - Diagnostic Criteria
Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:
Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.
I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.
Depression - Diagnostic Criteria
Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:
- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)
- Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
- Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
- Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
- Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
- Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
- Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
- Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
- a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
- identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
- impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
- recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- chronic feelings of emptiness
- inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom
The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.
I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
To blog, or not to blog
To blog, or not to blog: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the smears and paper cuts of outrageous writing, or to take up laptop against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die: to sleep?
Ok, it's not that dire. As a matter of fact, it's been very good. My daughter is having an actual conversation with me. My son is actually having fun with me. I feel it is because I don't yell or scream as I did before. I also think it is because I am less demanding then I have been in the past. My wife disagrees but I think I am making progress. I don't deny that I've been sleeping to much. I will talk to my Doctor next Tuesday about the Meds I use to help me sleep. We just need a little tweaking, not an overhaul.
So the answer is.....
TO BLOG
P.S.: To those of you that I haven't spoken with in my hiatus. I'm sorry and I'm back. And please comment on my blog. Sometime I feel no one is reading it. Thanks.
Ok, it's not that dire. As a matter of fact, it's been very good. My daughter is having an actual conversation with me. My son is actually having fun with me. I feel it is because I don't yell or scream as I did before. I also think it is because I am less demanding then I have been in the past. My wife disagrees but I think I am making progress. I don't deny that I've been sleeping to much. I will talk to my Doctor next Tuesday about the Meds I use to help me sleep. We just need a little tweaking, not an overhaul.
So the answer is.....
TO BLOG
P.S.: To those of you that I haven't spoken with in my hiatus. I'm sorry and I'm back. And please comment on my blog. Sometime I feel no one is reading it. Thanks.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
In the beginning God created....
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.
3 Then God said, “Let there be Keith” and there was Keith. 4 And God saw that Keith was good. Then he separated Keith from the rest of the world...
3 Then God said, “Let there be Keith” and there was Keith. 4 And God saw that Keith was good. Then he separated Keith from the rest of the world...
- Bible according to Keith
I guess the best place to start is in the beginng. God created this perfect little boy and placed him into Hell in hopes he would reform hell and make it one with God. Those who ran Hell named him Keith (same as me).
There were 4 entities in Hell that controlled everything. The first entity was "The enforcer". He was called Father or Dad. The second entity was "The Controller". She was called Mother or Mom. The third entity was "The corrupter", also known as "The thief of Innocence" or "Destoyer of Youth". His name was Brother or Joseph Jr. or Skipper. The forth entity was "Destoyer of Family". His name was Brother or Kevin.
The Controller would do whatever was neccessary to keep things her way and her way only. When she didn't have her head in the sand she could be seen around town wearing her rose colored glasses. If anything intruded on the delusion that her family was perfect she was able to deflect the intruder and make the situation about herself or somebody different.
The Enforcer delt out punishments The Controller felt needed to be addressed. He would also deal his own punishments. He would always use a belt or a piece of "Hotwheels" track. He would line the three underlings up in a row, youngest to oldest.
He would administer the punishments for whatever evil was done, by striking repeatly on the gluteus maximus, using either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. This did two things, it insulated The Enforcer from feeling any pain, and it left welts.
The Controller would preform the task of obligating you to any task she wanted. This is what drove wedges throughout. She keeps track of who owes what to who. She will also do things for you whether you wanted it done or not and then tell you it's for your enrichment or betterment, and then after you tire of arguing and accept her gift, you will then owe her. She also has the unique ability to not see the truth, even when it is explained to her. She goes to church "Religiously" and feel this enough to aid in her salvation. She is a religious person, but she lacks faith. She also feels that church (the physical structure) is where you find God.
The thief of Innocence removed all hope of youthful life. He was thought to be an alien because he used his abilities to probe the innocent. He would strip the outter shell of Keith, and rape him over and over again for many years. He was eventually incarcerated for preforming these acts on others. Durring this period he made The Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him. The Controller almost lost her life on one of these trips.
The Destoyer of Family used his powers to run away. He ran away from home, from school, from the Marines, from his first marraige, from family, and from his second marraige. He also made Then Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him.
The Keith had to not only be stronger but also wiser and more mature than any other member of hell. His childhood was stollen by all four entities. He tried to lift himself above the fold, but was pushed down at every chance. Although, he had good grades and even was accepted to a well known college for journalism Dowling College, he was unable to attend because the family fortune and wasted on the two criminals.
Now you know the basis for all my ills. I am doing better now but that is a step up from suicide almost three years ago. I am far from cured, so I will take you on a trip through my life, my friends and my healing process.
Come along for the ride.i
I guess the best place to start is in the beginng. God created this perfect little boy and placed him into Hell in hopes he would reform hell and make it one with God. Those who ran Hell named him Keith (same as me).
There were 4 entities in Hell that controlled everything. The first entity was "The enforcer". He was called Father or Dad. The second entity was "The Controller". She was called Mother or Mom. The third entity was "The corrupter", also known as "The thief of Innocence" or "Destoyer of Youth". His name was Brother or Joseph Jr. or Skipper. The forth entity was "Destoyer of Family". His name was Brother or Kevin.
The Controller would do whatever was neccessary to keep things her way and her way only. When she didn't have her head in the sand she could be seen around town wearing her rose colored glasses. If anything intruded on the delusion that her family was perfect she was able to deflect the intruder and make the situation about herself or somebody different.
The Enforcer delt out punishments The Controller felt needed to be addressed. He would also deal his own punishments. He would always use a belt or a piece of "Hotwheels" track. He would line the three underlings up in a row, youngest to oldest.
He would administer the punishments for whatever evil was done, by striking repeatly on the gluteus maximus, using either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. This did two things, it insulated The Enforcer from feeling any pain, and it left welts.
The Controller would preform the task of obligating you to any task she wanted. This is what drove wedges throughout. She keeps track of who owes what to who. She will also do things for you whether you wanted it done or not and then tell you it's for your enrichment or betterment, and then after you tire of arguing and accept her gift, you will then owe her. She also has the unique ability to not see the truth, even when it is explained to her. She goes to church "Religiously" and feel this enough to aid in her salvation. She is a religious person, but she lacks faith. She also feels that church (the physical structure) is where you find God.
The thief of Innocence removed all hope of youthful life. He was thought to be an alien because he used his abilities to probe the innocent. He would strip the outter shell of Keith, and rape him over and over again for many years. He was eventually incarcerated for preforming these acts on others. Durring this period he made The Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him. The Controller almost lost her life on one of these trips.
The Destoyer of Family used his powers to run away. He ran away from home, from school, from the Marines, from his first marraige, from family, and from his second marraige. He also made Then Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him.
The Keith had to not only be stronger but also wiser and more mature than any other member of hell. His childhood was stollen by all four entities. He tried to lift himself above the fold, but was pushed down at every chance. Although, he had good grades and even was accepted to a well known college for journalism Dowling College, he was unable to attend because the family fortune and wasted on the two criminals.
Now you know the basis for all my ills. I am doing better now but that is a step up from suicide almost three years ago. I am far from cured, so I will take you on a trip through my life, my friends and my healing process.
Come along for the ride.i
This is the start of something incredible...
I wanted to start this blog off by looking at where I've been, and where I'm at today, and where I want to head as well as where I am actually heading.
I am making this first blog short as I am starting on blogger.com and I have really don't have much to say right now except that if you want to see my previous blog you can hop on over to my MySpace page and check it out.
I going to make a good effort try to let the nworld know what "Borderline Personality Disorder" is, and also what "Bipolar Disorder" is. Hopefully through me you might see a friend or even yourself.
P.S.: I am looking for sponsors if anyone is interested in paying my bills. Keep an eye out for me and try to let me know what you're thinking about.
I am making this first blog short as I am starting on blogger.com and I have really don't have much to say right now except that if you want to see my previous blog you can hop on over to my MySpace page and check it out.
I going to make a good effort try to let the nworld know what "Borderline Personality Disorder" is, and also what "Bipolar Disorder" is. Hopefully through me you might see a friend or even yourself.
P.S.: I am looking for sponsors if anyone is interested in paying my bills. Keep an eye out for me and try to let me know what you're thinking about.
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