Still me....still forgotten

I really couldn't wait to write this post.  I am sitting at a local watering hole and watching.  Watching people treat other people, pretty poorly.  There is this one guy who has very visible emotional problems.  There are 2 guys and 1 woman who are mistreating this guy.  They know he is drunk, yet they sit there making fun of him.  I just watched as the bartender trying to restock the bar had 2 cases of bar in her hand trying to get past this other guy at the end of the bar and the guy wouldn't move.  He was too busy kissing the bartender from another bars ass.  There are 12 guys and 2 girls in the bar.  The girls are hanging with the bad BOYS and are wondering where the gentle MEN are.

Wake up people.  Especially you women. Bad boys will NEVER be gentlemen.  You can't train someone.  They are who they are. Don't ever think that you will marry someone and hope they change.

And to those who are mistreating the other drunk individual...well what goes around, comes around.  Someday, you mat be alone, or get into an accident and need assistance.  God is the only one who knows your fate.  Don't ever say, that will never happen to me, because it might.

91111

We have come full circle and revisited September 11th's 11th Anniversary.  It was encouraging to see that it was less political than it was in years.  I was also encouraged to see some TV channels showing what these MONSTERS did to innocent people.

The first thing that I wanted to talk about was the name "Patriot Day".  I think it stinks.  I feel that it should be more like "Innocent Victims Day".  I think it should be something that NOBODY will change to a sale day.  Like Memorial Day or Veterans Days Sales, I see that some day in the future we will have Patriot Day Sales.

I was also very hurt to see the number of places throughout the area, that did NOT have their flags at half mass.  2977 people lost their lives that day.  There are many more who have been dead inside since.

Pearl Harbor was an attack against military bases and personnel.  911 was an attck against men, children, women and unborn children.  NEVER FORGET.

My son thinks I'm stupid...

My son came to me today and wanted me to give him money to go clothes shopping. I explained to him that I would be more than happy to go clothes shopping with him.

He told me no and that he didn't want me going with him. And then threatened to go to wife's attorney if I wouldn't give him the money to go clothes shopping. He declared himself an adult (he's only 17). And after telling him for the 4th time that I wasn't going to hand him the money, he maturely told me to go fuck myself, to comit suicide, to go drive my car into a tree.

Real mature. Real responsible.

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Rebecca's Dream and Keith's Nightmare.

I was reading a story about Rebecca Cutler http://www.rebeccacutlerfoundation.org/index.htm. A 30 year old girl who died of Depression. It was fascinating how the family congregated around this young lady and supported her.

I have a friend of mine who also has Bipolar Disorder, from her stories she did some horrible things to her husband, make false accusations and costing him his dream job. He stood beside her and her illness. Today he is facing cancer and his wife is returning the favor.

I have another friend who's husband has a rare illness that might take his life at any point. Did she say "Fuck this I didn't sign up for this I'm out of here!!". No she continued to support her family and be a wife.

I have yet another friend of mine, who's wife and daughter are out of control. He works in the Mental Health Field, Sits on the County Mental Health Board and then has to come home to deal with his wife's mental illness. Been doing it for quite some time as I am to understand.

You know what I get.... "Don't blame me for what they can see themselves. Now if you don't mind I am at work. You know the thing that you are not capable of doing." She thinks that I'm faking it. She thinks that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't real illnesses. This is the compassion I get from her.

She belittles and berates me in front of the kids. She let's them know that all the financial problems are because I am lazy, not ill. She allows theses kids to treat me with disdain. I CAN blame her for what SHE says about me in front of the kids. I CAN blame HER for BAD MOUTHING me in front of the kids.

Congratulations Eric!!!!

Today, after an agonizing 14 years of Schooling (Pre-K and K-12), my son has his diploma in hand. I am so very proud of him and I hope he knows that no matter what he says or does to me, I am his father and he is my son, and I love him.

Originally I was going to be "punished" by not being allowed to come at all, but they changed their minds and procured a ticket for me in the Auditorium where you get to see your child graduate on "Jumbotron". Ilene and Cassie were to sit in the Gymnasium and see it live. Thankfully, God was being good to me and brought me good weather. With the good weather they held the Commencement Exercise outdoors, and it became a moot point.

My wife made a comment in the car on the way over. She says to me "I hope you know that those are Stadium seating, and the only reason you got those was because of me." All I could see at that moment was my mother. It was almost as if she were saying "You should happy for the crumbs I toss to you, now come and kiss my feet."

This is my son for God's sake. It's not like it was the guy down the end of the block's birthday. Ilene should have used the opportunity to teach my son what it RIGHT. She should have used the chance to explain to Eric that I am his father and that I had just as much right to be there as she did. No, she had to control the situation (again, just like my mother).

I will always have a special place in my heart for Ilene. As I have said in the past, I knew from the very first moment I met her, that I was going to marry her, have a family together, and then grow old together. How's that song go "2 out of 3 ain't bad". But I am so happy that things are changing.

So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today.

Happy Father's Day...

Well here it is, another chance for my children to hurt me. I never beat my Kids, they NEVER spent one second bare assed over my knee being beaten with either a "Hotwheels" track or a plastic spoon. In my house and to the best of my knowledge they were never raped. They never had to endure the pain that I did. The never had to be let down over and over again because another sibling needed a lawyer or to be let out of jail. The worse I ever did to these kids was yell at them and throw things in their general direction. I never intended to hit them and considering I am 6'3" and currently weight in at 350lbs and a Honorably Discharge Marine, if I ever did hit them the would have been hospitalized.

I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.

What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.

My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).

The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.

My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".

Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....

"Happy Father's Day"

Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Ilene.

I had a nice therapy session today. I had a special session with my therapist today. After my past week, I had ask my therapist for an emergency session. We discussed many things and he feels I did what was needed.

He also feels that yes my mother is a Narcissist. And agrees that we have a tendency to marry our mothers/fathers, because that is what we know. He also acknowledged that once we truly understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder we can then see it in those around us.

I left yesterdays blog with a eureka moment. But I feel I need to explain why I see Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my wife.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

* Seek constant attention and admiration
I have had to continuously stroke her ego. She has even cut-off friends with took attention away her.

* Consider themselves better than others

* Exaggerate their talents and achievement
In this past week alone I told her that I would fix the post that Kiko ripped out of the wall she took it as an insult that she was incapable to fix the post. This was done on the same day that she roasted a chicken "BACK UP" and tried to cut a piece of breast meat from the back.

* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
Need I say more. She has always wanted what other people have. And when it doesn't happen well then it is all hell until it happens.

* Are easily hurt but may not show it.

* Set unrealistic goals
Although the seeds for my illness were set in my youth (between the ages of 7 to 14 according to research), it was not until 9/11 that I had my 1st real adult trigger. That is when the depression started. It wasn't untill Feb/Mar of 2007 that I had my first suicide attempt. It took me from 1965 til 2007 to fester my illness. From what I've read and understand, it takes 5 to 7 years to START recovery. Ilene wants it now.

From what I've read it also extends to her children. Since she is superior, her children must also be superior. If not, it is not a problem with her or her child, it must be with those who see fault. She thinks her son is College Material. She see's him going on to college and doing greater things.

I love my son, but I am realistic. He needs to learn discipline. He needs to learn respect. Until then, he will never be able to achieve college level courses. I hope he does eventually attend college, but he needs to work at getting himself up to college level work.

* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals
She doesn't care which one of her friends or family she will push under the bus to get what he wants. I know that her brothers think I am to blame for all of our financial problems. That is Ilene's manipulation of the facts. Her friends that don't agree with her 100% she would push under the bus also. Example, Fran, Marcy, Karen and even Joanne. Joanne is being twisted because Ilene wants her ear, but Joanne is still Marcy's friend.

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
She obsesses with these Soap Operas of hers and Twilight and Charmed, as well the books she reads. I have watched some of them and whenever I make fun of them, it is like attacking a sacred cow.

* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
Again this goes with her ability to throw friends and family under the bus if they don't agree with her 100% from the get go. Even when it came to Mother in the Nursing Home. She expected both Lenny and Fred to go along with what she said. And when they didn't, Lenny was in her words a Jackass.

* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.
I am point in case. I have a Mental Ilness, I have caused problems in the past and I am getting help. Ilene has not accepted the FACT that this MAY BE as good as it gets. It could be that I will get BETTER but there is NO CURE. And there is always the chance that I could get worse. I never PLANNED this life for me either. She still can't accept this.

* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
I go back to fixing the pole that Kiko ripped out of the wall. I told her that I would fix it the right way. She took this as an insult and that I was criticising her.

* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
Mutual friends of ours have described her as Nasty. Thought it was only towards me.

Of course I could be wrong. I am not a therapist, but I have many clues that point in this direction including the FACT that she is not only the youngest in the family, but she is also the only girl out of three. She has always been taken care of by her brothers. The only way to know for sure is to see a trained professional.


God Bless all of them, Ilene, Cassie and Eric. God Bless her brothers and their families. I hope that they take care of all of her needs.

My wife thinks she knows Borderline Personality Disorder.....she is.....clueless.

One thing I have noticed is that Ilene and my Mother are of the same cloth. My mother has this little Autistic girl living next door. She knows more about autism than she does about he own sons Borderline Personality Disorder.

Ilene claims that Eric is Manic Depressive and inherited it from me. It could have been inherited from either one of us, but if it makes it easier for her to blame me, then, OK it's my fault.

She suspects he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). NO PROOF. It is a learned behavior. She says he learned it from me. I believed that he learned it from her actions toward me. She allows him to tell me to "Go fuck myself", "Drop dead", "Go commit suicide", "Go drive your car off the road". I would NEVER let him talk to her that way. And yet she allows him to disrespect me.

If Eric does have BPD he needs to be diagnosed and TREATED. There is no Medication in the world to treat BPD

I believe Ilene and my mother bother suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not a Therapist or Psychiatrist. But her symptoms fit.

What Are the Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:

* Are self-centered and boastful
* Seek constant attention and admiration
* Consider themselves better than others
* Exaggerate their talents and achievements
* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
* Are easily hurt but may not show it
* Set unrealistic goals
* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
* Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude

What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.

When I read this (thinking about my mother) I saw Ilene. It is intriguing when I speak to mutual friends and how she will shut people out of her life who don't agree 100% with her. Even her sister-inlaw and brother when they didn't agree with her she blocked her from her facebook. For Gods sake, we've been out of High School for a couple of years now.

If she truly loves her son and her daughter as I do, she will get them to therapy. Let a trained professional diagnose and help them.

If she ever intends to be happy, she needs therapy also. She blames me for things that happened over 20 years ago. That I LEGALLY had NO choice. Emotionally I was setup for a fall. If I forced her to do one thing or not do it, I would be controlling. I am blamed for not being there? There was no right choice for me!!! It was not MY CHOICE.

When Is she going to stop yelling?????

6:30am - I get woken to Ilene yelling at me again.  This time, because I changed MY password to MY Checking account.  I tell her I did it not to hurt anyone but to protect myself from her spending MY money on things like Cassie's Vacation or Eric's Tatoo when there is a Negative in the checking account.

Someone (my thinking it is her brother) bailed her out.  He will have to continue bailing her out on her bad choices.  I don't have the ability or will to do it any more.

I stopped fighting over it when i told we had to make cutbacks and she refused to do it.

She has turned the kids against me in works and actions.  The other day, she specifically called me when I was texting her so that Eric knew it was ME being the mean one again, because I questioned Ilene's spending practices.

He is mad at me, for her actions.

Soon, all of this will pass.  All I can hope and pray for is that some day they all will get the help they need.  God knows they need it.

New beginings.....

My wife wants me out of the house, and I want out of the marriage. This was a mistake, and it should have been finished years ago.

Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.

I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.

I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.

I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.

So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.

I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.

I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.

I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.

I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.

Well it's over....

I have done my best to try to keep this family together.  I have taken blame for the actions that and damages I have caused.  I have asked that my wife and children get therapy.  God knows they need it.

I have always loved my wife and children, still do.  I honestly don't think my has ever loved me.  She married me because she wanted to beat he High School friend Suzanne down the aisle.  She was in love with the idea of marriage, but she has always wanted to be single.

Even this past week I got a large TV for the livingroom in hopes that we could spend time together.  I have spend countless hours trying to save our house.  I comes to this.  She blurts that she can't wait til the the kids are out of the house and I'm out of the house and then she can sell the house and get on with her life.

She would much rather be Cassie and Eric's best friend than their mother.  The tipping stone was when she calls me and tells me the account is in a negative balance and to not go to Lowes to get the garden hose.  I then text her because she was to be going with our 17 year old son to get him his $150 tattoo.  I texted her because I did not feel it wise to spend $150 on a tattoo, when there is a negative balance in the checking account.  I asked her if it could wait until my check came in.  She then calls me on the telephone so that Eric can hear the conversation and then I'm the mean one again.

Every time we've had financial problems Ilene was in charge of the bank accounts. Before my first suicide attempt, I was in charge of the books.  I took it over after we almost lost the house the first time because she didn't pay property taxes for an entire years.  After 6 months under my direction we had paid our back taxes, we paid off the 2004 PT 2 years earlier and $18000. in the savings account. 

When Ilene is still paying a mortgage on an house she doesn't own.  When she is in an apartment that doesn't allow pets.  When the bills are up to her eyes while her children are still sitting in their rooms in her apartment watching TV or playing video games, or going on vacation on mom's dime.  Then and maybe then, she will understand that they (all 3 of them) needed help but it will be too late.

When I got married it was for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part.  I know what I signed for.  Ilene says she never signed on for this.

I love my wife and children, but I will no longer pretend that they love me.

Nearer to God....................................................

I have to look at my relationship with God and Christ. It seems to me that that when I was a child I did not know him. I did not want to know him. After all, what had he done for me lately? I was in a family that had no real use for me.

My father hated me. How do I know this? My father mettled out punishment with the fervor of a pitbull starting with the youngest and working finally tiring by the time he got to the oldest. He would do this round after round until somebody confessed. He used either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. The pain could then be inflicted longer and with greater bearing. He inflicted double damage by turn a toy into a weapon.

Skipper (F. Joseph Towell, Jr.) was the oldest, he raped me. The more I say it, the easier it is to say it. I did nothing wrong, I shouldn't feel guilty. He violated me. He went to jail for the rape of a 13 year old girl. He never faced ANY punishment for violating me.

Kevin was 2 years older than I was. He did his dammedest to pull me down into his world. He was drug and alcohol dependent, but worse than that he was a quiter. He quit everything. He quit High School, Family, Marraige, even the Marine Corps. He quit EVERYTHING. He moved to Florida to get away from my Parents. But she calls my mother daily. He IS "Poor Jane" in every sense of the way.

Let me explain "Poor Jane". My mother is the oldest of 3. My Aunt Karen was the youngest, my mother was the oldest, and then there was "Poor Jane". My Aunt Jane choose poorly in life. He first husband Edward, was an alcoholic. In my growing up, my Aunt Jane live in the same apartment building as my Grandmother (her mother). But whenever my Grandmother needed anything she would call my mother. My mother would run out there and deal with her and then have to listen to how "Poor Jane" didn't have this or didn't have that. "Poor Jane" might have had more in her if she spent less time in bars.

Kevin kinda like lets life evolve around him. He sells hot dogs on the beach. He has never pushed, or gone out of his way for anybody. He has no money, and lives hand to mouth. "Poor Jane" lives on.

My mother has enabled everyone in my family. When I asked my mother if she had even the slightest hint that Skipper had molested anybody. She said that once when Kevin was being beat up by some neighborhood kids, she overheard one kid say "...that's right go home and get raped by your older brother." I asked what she did next. She said, she asked Skipper if he was molesting anyone. Skipper said "No." That was it, the end of the conversation, he said no. What more evidence was needed?

My parents spent untold dollars defending both of my brothers in a Court of Law and even though I was the only child to Graduate from High School and be accepted to Dowling College. I was subjected to Community College. Which allowed me to flounder until I folded.

I then needed to escape my brothers drug-scapades so I joined the Marine Corps. It was there that god found me again. God calls me, I listen. My Grandfather passed away while I was in bootcamp. He was burried a good week before my mother decided to tell me. I was extremely found of my Grandfather and angry when I was informed. I wasn't given the choice, I was told afterwards. God and I had one of our longest conversations that night. I was also the first time I requested to speak with a Minister.

I was given a Bible that day by the Minister that I still carry today. I hardly ever read that Bible today. Instead, I have a bible that I asked for, for Christmas, but ended up buying for myself. It is in the New Living Translation which means less thos and thou arts, and more dos and dems ((Brooklyneses) only kidding).

When I came back out of the Marine Corps and when back home, God became a little less converse. It wouldn't be until now (2009) that I realized that God kept his distance when I was with my family.

Now I must clarify that I am not hearing voices? God puts things (ideas) in my head. It's not like I'm seeing and hearing things.

I can now understand Moses trying to explain to his people:

Moses:

"I got these 10 laws from a burning bush."


People:

"And the white beard?"


Moses:

"Yup. That's about the extent of it."


People:

"So you want me to worship a burning bush that gives you rocks and white hair."


Moses:



"Yup. That's about the extent of it."

And to think that Moses at least had the tablets. Thank GOD that Moses was better at splaining than I am.

Again God kept distanced until I was married to my wife. Not once did I ever abandon God. When I was a child. I stuck an electric plug in my mouth. I burnt the size of a 50¢ piece out of the corner of my mouth. I should have been dead then. I also had some very close calls with bullets
even before I joined the Marine Corps. Once in the Bronx Teabandon - Wiktionaryrminal Market and then again in Corona Queens. Even back then I knew God was not finished with me.

I don't know what, where, or why, but I still am here, and I'm Still Me. AND I am still with God, and God is still with me.

When do I get a break?

I have to do without my medications.  Can't afford that, and sending my daughter to California for a vacation, or my son and wife getting their tattoo's on their vacation in New Hampshire.  Rage is building in me daily and I get NO cooperation. 

While my wife was getting her manicure and pedicure today, my hands were digging in the dirt repairing the garden in the front of the house.  The scalloped edge was halve turned down because people will run over them or kick them getting out of the car and then leave them there.  The garden lights had to be replaced for the same reason.  The shrubs right out the front door and the ones at the end of the driveway had to be replaced because people cut across the lawn trampling over the shrubs and killing them.

Whenever I needed a break from the anger in doing that, I did one of the other smaller jobs that need to be done around the house.  One such job was running garden plumbing from the back of the house to the front of the house.

Another is the 2 flower pots that I have on the back patio.

I then had to stop clean up (Think about the mud and crud from these jobs) and cook dinner and make a salad.  It was probably considered inadequate.  (They always seam to complain but never want to cook, I can't even get them cut up the fruit or make a salad).  My son cooks and then leaves the pan in the sink.  The other day as I was working under my daughters car, I called to my son and told him to get cleaned so that we could go to the Chinese Buffet.  He informs me that he is already cooking his dinner.  I turned to him and asked him if he even thought about cooking dinner for me also.

After dinner, it was dark and I could no longer work on the outside garden. So I went back to work on my daughters car.  I was able to get the tailpipe piece in place and was just about to quit when my wife drove up the driveway.

My wife walks in I told her that Eric was given orders not to attack you and to let you get into to the house first.  She precedes into his room where he starts with his 80 person guest list for his graduation party. 

My wife comes into the livingroom to find a TV. She stated that she wanted a TV in the Livingroom and I thought it might be nice to sit and watch shows there.  She then suggests that I move the Flat Panel in my room and I take the "new" tv in my room.  There goes "HDTV" I have to see if I can find a wall mount for the the NON-HDTV.

Considering the lack of sleep I'm getting without my meds... oh well.

As I am sitting there it is now 10:40 she is upset because there are dirt dishes in the sink.  She's scrambling to rubber gloves to protect her manicure and clean the sink. I told her I would take care of it and I did.  By the time I finished the dishes it was 11:45.  I then went to take a shower. There is not one clean towel in the house.  My son takes a new towel every single day and never washes any of them.  He doesn't even put them in the laundry area for someone else to clean.  There is 1 towel in my room.  My daughter has her OWN towels and can't use anyone else's and no one else can use hers.

It's after midnight I have finally been able the get the garden mud and the rust and the exhause soot out of my hair.

If people can't see God doing his best to make me angry and start yelling and screaming.  I am working my hardest to keep pure to his word.  I just wish those around me would give me a break.

Every time I get angry I try to read a Psalm.  I should have them all memorized be the end of the week.

3rd Degree Burns?

Time Magazine has this article written on January 8th, 2009 called The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder by John Cloud. I figured I tag this for your reading.

I love the description the use about those afflicted BPD: "Borderline
individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn
patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the
slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."

I
only have one thing to clarify. When he claims immense suffering, I
believe it should be emmense feelings. Feelings can be be of joy or
pain and still result in suffering.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really get pissed when I work to protect the man behind the curtain and I screw it up. "West Slide Story was one of those attemps. My wife showed me this new Broadway Musical for the ages and I wanted to share it my readers. Facebook is a "MIRROR" of my regular blog. Facebook did not "MIRROR" anything. It failed.

So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.

stillkeith.blogspot.com

West Slide Story

If you've noticed, I have been on my mark lately.

I've been doing some soul searching lately. God and I have been having some deep conversations. I know my Borderline Personality Disorder has something to do with this, but I'm still hashing it out how.

The Borderline Beast has been showing his face around. I know it's because I'm off my medications, but I have little choice. The medications are so expensive. And the price of every other thing is going up. $35 to fill up the tank. $40 for brake parts. $150 for muffler parts. Kids are even more expensive.

I need a vacation. I need to bang myhead against a wall. I feel so vacant

My wife just doesn't get it....

It is impossible for my wife (let alone anybody else) can even begin to fathom my childhood.  My wife can see it from the outside.  She saw how my father treated me as an adult, but she never saw how he beat me with the "Hotwheels Track".  I have that track above my door to remind me.

She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct.  She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants.  You're the bad one.

She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.

She thinks BPD is made up.  She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.

She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily.  She equates my kids childhood to mine.

All I wanted was my garage back.  My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me.  When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do.  It's now out of my hands.

No matter what happens I say yes from now on.  Whatever he wants he gets.  That's how she wants it.

I'm screaming on the inside right now.  My wife is threatening to throw me out.  Where do I go?  She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright.  I have no place to go.  It's not as if anyone will have me.

He even lied to my wife about detention.  My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not.  He told her no.  That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention.  He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it.  He's not only a liar but also a cheat.

It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with.  I want to... I need to feel something.  Anything.

She just doesn't understand how I go like this.

My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week.  He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.

HELP ME!!!!!

BPD & Skip

I have finally found a Borderline Personality Disorder organization.

http://bpdfamily.com/

After joining the the group they sent me the following message:


You have just been sent a personal message by Skip on .

IMPORTANT: Remember, this is just a notification. Please do not reply to this email.

Hi katowell,

Having a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in your life is often challenging. We hope you will find the education, support and tools needed to help you face these challenges.

BPD is a complex disorder and experts encourage family members to have an experienced and knowledgeable support system. Dialogue is the cornerstone of ours. Posting helps clarify thoughts - and it prompts others to challenge our thinking. When we dialogue, we all learn.

I encourage you to review this quick orientation: Helpful information on how to work through these difficult times.

If you have any questions - or suggestions - please contact me or one of the moderators, advisors, or ambassadors. We're all here to help you. Welcome to the family.

Skippy

Now ain't that a kick in the head. My brother Skipper was one of those that caused my Borderline Personality Disorder.

It sent shivers down my spine. I don't know if I can remain a member if Skip is sending me a reply.

Ronald Reagan?

They don't get it. This is why these Liberal TV stations and newspaper are hemorrhaging in debt.