In sickness and in health....

Part of the wedding vows go as follows:

"I ____, take thee, ____, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part....."

I bring this up because of my my wife's decree "I never signed up for this!!!". Well I beg to differ. According to God, you did sign up for this.

I never wanted to get sick. I never wanted to have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. If I knew 22 years ago that I had these 2 illnesses, I would never have inflicted them on ANYBODY. I would never have gotten married, my life would have been different. But God dealt me a different set of cards, and I will have to play the hand I was dealt. I won't walk away complaining these are not the cards I wanted, gimme new ones.

My wife has filled for divorce and God will take care of me. I have always trusted his guidance. He will always do what is right for me.

Enough

A friend of mine gave this to me after I explained to her why I always said 'I love you' to my wife before she went to work.  I think it is more lasting and just enough.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moment together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have.' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?'

'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back will be for my funeral.' he said.

'When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.' He paused for a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he even smiled more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough.' we wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.'

Then turning toward me he shared the following as if reciting it from memory,

'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hello's to get you through the final goodbye.'

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Congratulations Eric!!!!

Today, after an agonizing 14 years of Schooling (Pre-K and K-12), my son has his diploma in hand. I am so very proud of him and I hope he knows that no matter what he says or does to me, I am his father and he is my son, and I love him.

Originally I was going to be "punished" by not being allowed to come at all, but they changed their minds and procured a ticket for me in the Auditorium where you get to see your child graduate on "Jumbotron". Ilene and Cassie were to sit in the Gymnasium and see it live. Thankfully, God was being good to me and brought me good weather. With the good weather they held the Commencement Exercise outdoors, and it became a moot point.

My wife made a comment in the car on the way over. She says to me "I hope you know that those are Stadium seating, and the only reason you got those was because of me." All I could see at that moment was my mother. It was almost as if she were saying "You should happy for the crumbs I toss to you, now come and kiss my feet."

This is my son for God's sake. It's not like it was the guy down the end of the block's birthday. Ilene should have used the opportunity to teach my son what it RIGHT. She should have used the chance to explain to Eric that I am his father and that I had just as much right to be there as she did. No, she had to control the situation (again, just like my mother).

I will always have a special place in my heart for Ilene. As I have said in the past, I knew from the very first moment I met her, that I was going to marry her, have a family together, and then grow old together. How's that song go "2 out of 3 ain't bad". But I am so happy that things are changing.

So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today.

Happy Father's Day...

Well here it is, another chance for my children to hurt me. I never beat my Kids, they NEVER spent one second bare assed over my knee being beaten with either a "Hotwheels" track or a plastic spoon. In my house and to the best of my knowledge they were never raped. They never had to endure the pain that I did. The never had to be let down over and over again because another sibling needed a lawyer or to be let out of jail. The worse I ever did to these kids was yell at them and throw things in their general direction. I never intended to hit them and considering I am 6'3" and currently weight in at 350lbs and a Honorably Discharge Marine, if I ever did hit them the would have been hospitalized.

I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.

What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.

My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).

The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.

My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".

Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....

"Happy Father's Day"

Dillusional?

Within the past week, I have had a had maybe tops 20 words from my family. All 3 of them total maybe 20 words. I get a note on my door this morning. I scanned it in for people to see actual demeaner.

Well I could have helped with the repair costs doing it myself. I knew he was having problems with his brakes and I was suppose to work on them over the weekend. That was before I was told be the same son to go kill myself, slit my throat, drive my car into a tree, yada, yada, yada. $700 ($350 was my "portion') and of course they could never see the value in it. Curiosity, I wonder how much an afterhours brake job on Ilene's car, or the muffler replacement on Cassie's car cost. Now that they have to go to a mechanic, I guess we will find out.

Getting back to the note. $480 for car insurance. She thinks that Eric's portion is only like $120.00. To find the REAL cost of Eric's car insurance she will need to price his insurance alone. His insurance would be $334.57 as a basic bare minimum insurance policy. I used Progress.com to compare.

Next there is the cell phone bill. $471 for the 4 of us. There are features that can and should be turned off. I told this to Ilene MONTH's ago. There is no need for ringback tones. I turned off extras on my phone.

Next we need to address Eric's SSI payment. I get $833 for me to use to help support Eric as I deem necessary for his needs. Last month I paid over $1300 to help in the support of Eric. This month I have paid $658 for electric bill and $35 in overdraft. Ilene has stopped her payment going into the bank. I have no idea what she is spending money on. I have no idea what she is wasting money on. She is claiming everything is my fault and that I haven't paid bills and that is why we are in the position we are in. Fine she wants to blame me, if she thinks that makes things better.

I asked her to read Dave Ramsey and Suzy Orman. She has never picked up either book. It basically says to stop paying for everything you can't afford to pay cash for. Live within your means. Cassie wanted to go to California. The original deal was that we would buy the plane tickets for her birthday, but she had to pay for everthing else. She earned about $300.00 last year. Of which she pisssed away on things like "Coach" collars for the dogs. So when it came time for her to go to California my wife should have said "No, we can't afford it."

I told here months ago that we needed to make BIG cuts in our way of living. She thinks like Obama that she can spend her way out of this problem. Obama can print more money. She can't.

She called me "Dillusional" today. She is so wrong, I am not playing into the "Illusion that I grew up in a HAPPY home." nor am I playing into the "Illision that she ever loved me." My eyes are open for the first time in over 40 years. I am happy at the fact that I am finding peace in God. I am happy and proud that I am now leaving my life completely in his hands. I became ordained to help find peace and to help others. My wife mocked me for this, when my freinds have not only been supportive, but they have also be proactive in helping me. They actually want me to be happy.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Ilene.

I had a nice therapy session today. I had a special session with my therapist today. After my past week, I had ask my therapist for an emergency session. We discussed many things and he feels I did what was needed.

He also feels that yes my mother is a Narcissist. And agrees that we have a tendency to marry our mothers/fathers, because that is what we know. He also acknowledged that once we truly understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder we can then see it in those around us.

I left yesterdays blog with a eureka moment. But I feel I need to explain why I see Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my wife.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

* Seek constant attention and admiration
I have had to continuously stroke her ego. She has even cut-off friends with took attention away her.

* Consider themselves better than others

* Exaggerate their talents and achievement
In this past week alone I told her that I would fix the post that Kiko ripped out of the wall she took it as an insult that she was incapable to fix the post. This was done on the same day that she roasted a chicken "BACK UP" and tried to cut a piece of breast meat from the back.

* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
Need I say more. She has always wanted what other people have. And when it doesn't happen well then it is all hell until it happens.

* Are easily hurt but may not show it.

* Set unrealistic goals
Although the seeds for my illness were set in my youth (between the ages of 7 to 14 according to research), it was not until 9/11 that I had my 1st real adult trigger. That is when the depression started. It wasn't untill Feb/Mar of 2007 that I had my first suicide attempt. It took me from 1965 til 2007 to fester my illness. From what I've read and understand, it takes 5 to 7 years to START recovery. Ilene wants it now.

From what I've read it also extends to her children. Since she is superior, her children must also be superior. If not, it is not a problem with her or her child, it must be with those who see fault. She thinks her son is College Material. She see's him going on to college and doing greater things.

I love my son, but I am realistic. He needs to learn discipline. He needs to learn respect. Until then, he will never be able to achieve college level courses. I hope he does eventually attend college, but he needs to work at getting himself up to college level work.

* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals
She doesn't care which one of her friends or family she will push under the bus to get what he wants. I know that her brothers think I am to blame for all of our financial problems. That is Ilene's manipulation of the facts. Her friends that don't agree with her 100% she would push under the bus also. Example, Fran, Marcy, Karen and even Joanne. Joanne is being twisted because Ilene wants her ear, but Joanne is still Marcy's friend.

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
She obsesses with these Soap Operas of hers and Twilight and Charmed, as well the books she reads. I have watched some of them and whenever I make fun of them, it is like attacking a sacred cow.

* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
Again this goes with her ability to throw friends and family under the bus if they don't agree with her 100% from the get go. Even when it came to Mother in the Nursing Home. She expected both Lenny and Fred to go along with what she said. And when they didn't, Lenny was in her words a Jackass.

* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.
I am point in case. I have a Mental Ilness, I have caused problems in the past and I am getting help. Ilene has not accepted the FACT that this MAY BE as good as it gets. It could be that I will get BETTER but there is NO CURE. And there is always the chance that I could get worse. I never PLANNED this life for me either. She still can't accept this.

* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
I go back to fixing the pole that Kiko ripped out of the wall. I told her that I would fix it the right way. She took this as an insult and that I was criticising her.

* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
Mutual friends of ours have described her as Nasty. Thought it was only towards me.

Of course I could be wrong. I am not a therapist, but I have many clues that point in this direction including the FACT that she is not only the youngest in the family, but she is also the only girl out of three. She has always been taken care of by her brothers. The only way to know for sure is to see a trained professional.


God Bless all of them, Ilene, Cassie and Eric. God Bless her brothers and their families. I hope that they take care of all of her needs.

My wife thinks she knows Borderline Personality Disorder.....she is.....clueless.

One thing I have noticed is that Ilene and my Mother are of the same cloth. My mother has this little Autistic girl living next door. She knows more about autism than she does about he own sons Borderline Personality Disorder.

Ilene claims that Eric is Manic Depressive and inherited it from me. It could have been inherited from either one of us, but if it makes it easier for her to blame me, then, OK it's my fault.

She suspects he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). NO PROOF. It is a learned behavior. She says he learned it from me. I believed that he learned it from her actions toward me. She allows him to tell me to "Go fuck myself", "Drop dead", "Go commit suicide", "Go drive your car off the road". I would NEVER let him talk to her that way. And yet she allows him to disrespect me.

If Eric does have BPD he needs to be diagnosed and TREATED. There is no Medication in the world to treat BPD

I believe Ilene and my mother bother suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not a Therapist or Psychiatrist. But her symptoms fit.

What Are the Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:

* Are self-centered and boastful
* Seek constant attention and admiration
* Consider themselves better than others
* Exaggerate their talents and achievements
* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
* Are easily hurt but may not show it
* Set unrealistic goals
* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
* Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude

What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.

When I read this (thinking about my mother) I saw Ilene. It is intriguing when I speak to mutual friends and how she will shut people out of her life who don't agree 100% with her. Even her sister-inlaw and brother when they didn't agree with her she blocked her from her facebook. For Gods sake, we've been out of High School for a couple of years now.

If she truly loves her son and her daughter as I do, she will get them to therapy. Let a trained professional diagnose and help them.

If she ever intends to be happy, she needs therapy also. She blames me for things that happened over 20 years ago. That I LEGALLY had NO choice. Emotionally I was setup for a fall. If I forced her to do one thing or not do it, I would be controlling. I am blamed for not being there? There was no right choice for me!!! It was not MY CHOICE.

When Is she going to stop yelling?????

6:30am - I get woken to Ilene yelling at me again.  This time, because I changed MY password to MY Checking account.  I tell her I did it not to hurt anyone but to protect myself from her spending MY money on things like Cassie's Vacation or Eric's Tatoo when there is a Negative in the checking account.

Someone (my thinking it is her brother) bailed her out.  He will have to continue bailing her out on her bad choices.  I don't have the ability or will to do it any more.

I stopped fighting over it when i told we had to make cutbacks and she refused to do it.

She has turned the kids against me in works and actions.  The other day, she specifically called me when I was texting her so that Eric knew it was ME being the mean one again, because I questioned Ilene's spending practices.

He is mad at me, for her actions.

Soon, all of this will pass.  All I can hope and pray for is that some day they all will get the help they need.  God knows they need it.

New beginings.....

My wife wants me out of the house, and I want out of the marriage. This was a mistake, and it should have been finished years ago.

Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.

I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.

I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.

I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.

So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.

I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.

I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.

I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.

I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.

Well it's over....

I have done my best to try to keep this family together.  I have taken blame for the actions that and damages I have caused.  I have asked that my wife and children get therapy.  God knows they need it.

I have always loved my wife and children, still do.  I honestly don't think my has ever loved me.  She married me because she wanted to beat he High School friend Suzanne down the aisle.  She was in love with the idea of marriage, but she has always wanted to be single.

Even this past week I got a large TV for the livingroom in hopes that we could spend time together.  I have spend countless hours trying to save our house.  I comes to this.  She blurts that she can't wait til the the kids are out of the house and I'm out of the house and then she can sell the house and get on with her life.

She would much rather be Cassie and Eric's best friend than their mother.  The tipping stone was when she calls me and tells me the account is in a negative balance and to not go to Lowes to get the garden hose.  I then text her because she was to be going with our 17 year old son to get him his $150 tattoo.  I texted her because I did not feel it wise to spend $150 on a tattoo, when there is a negative balance in the checking account.  I asked her if it could wait until my check came in.  She then calls me on the telephone so that Eric can hear the conversation and then I'm the mean one again.

Every time we've had financial problems Ilene was in charge of the bank accounts. Before my first suicide attempt, I was in charge of the books.  I took it over after we almost lost the house the first time because she didn't pay property taxes for an entire years.  After 6 months under my direction we had paid our back taxes, we paid off the 2004 PT 2 years earlier and $18000. in the savings account. 

When Ilene is still paying a mortgage on an house she doesn't own.  When she is in an apartment that doesn't allow pets.  When the bills are up to her eyes while her children are still sitting in their rooms in her apartment watching TV or playing video games, or going on vacation on mom's dime.  Then and maybe then, she will understand that they (all 3 of them) needed help but it will be too late.

When I got married it was for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part.  I know what I signed for.  Ilene says she never signed on for this.

I love my wife and children, but I will no longer pretend that they love me.

Nearer to God....................................................

I have to look at my relationship with God and Christ. It seems to me that that when I was a child I did not know him. I did not want to know him. After all, what had he done for me lately? I was in a family that had no real use for me.

My father hated me. How do I know this? My father mettled out punishment with the fervor of a pitbull starting with the youngest and working finally tiring by the time he got to the oldest. He would do this round after round until somebody confessed. He used either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. The pain could then be inflicted longer and with greater bearing. He inflicted double damage by turn a toy into a weapon.

Skipper (F. Joseph Towell, Jr.) was the oldest, he raped me. The more I say it, the easier it is to say it. I did nothing wrong, I shouldn't feel guilty. He violated me. He went to jail for the rape of a 13 year old girl. He never faced ANY punishment for violating me.

Kevin was 2 years older than I was. He did his dammedest to pull me down into his world. He was drug and alcohol dependent, but worse than that he was a quiter. He quit everything. He quit High School, Family, Marraige, even the Marine Corps. He quit EVERYTHING. He moved to Florida to get away from my Parents. But she calls my mother daily. He IS "Poor Jane" in every sense of the way.

Let me explain "Poor Jane". My mother is the oldest of 3. My Aunt Karen was the youngest, my mother was the oldest, and then there was "Poor Jane". My Aunt Jane choose poorly in life. He first husband Edward, was an alcoholic. In my growing up, my Aunt Jane live in the same apartment building as my Grandmother (her mother). But whenever my Grandmother needed anything she would call my mother. My mother would run out there and deal with her and then have to listen to how "Poor Jane" didn't have this or didn't have that. "Poor Jane" might have had more in her if she spent less time in bars.

Kevin kinda like lets life evolve around him. He sells hot dogs on the beach. He has never pushed, or gone out of his way for anybody. He has no money, and lives hand to mouth. "Poor Jane" lives on.

My mother has enabled everyone in my family. When I asked my mother if she had even the slightest hint that Skipper had molested anybody. She said that once when Kevin was being beat up by some neighborhood kids, she overheard one kid say "...that's right go home and get raped by your older brother." I asked what she did next. She said, she asked Skipper if he was molesting anyone. Skipper said "No." That was it, the end of the conversation, he said no. What more evidence was needed?

My parents spent untold dollars defending both of my brothers in a Court of Law and even though I was the only child to Graduate from High School and be accepted to Dowling College. I was subjected to Community College. Which allowed me to flounder until I folded.

I then needed to escape my brothers drug-scapades so I joined the Marine Corps. It was there that god found me again. God calls me, I listen. My Grandfather passed away while I was in bootcamp. He was burried a good week before my mother decided to tell me. I was extremely found of my Grandfather and angry when I was informed. I wasn't given the choice, I was told afterwards. God and I had one of our longest conversations that night. I was also the first time I requested to speak with a Minister.

I was given a Bible that day by the Minister that I still carry today. I hardly ever read that Bible today. Instead, I have a bible that I asked for, for Christmas, but ended up buying for myself. It is in the New Living Translation which means less thos and thou arts, and more dos and dems ((Brooklyneses) only kidding).

When I came back out of the Marine Corps and when back home, God became a little less converse. It wouldn't be until now (2009) that I realized that God kept his distance when I was with my family.

Now I must clarify that I am not hearing voices? God puts things (ideas) in my head. It's not like I'm seeing and hearing things.

I can now understand Moses trying to explain to his people:

Moses:

"I got these 10 laws from a burning bush."


People:

"And the white beard?"


Moses:

"Yup. That's about the extent of it."


People:

"So you want me to worship a burning bush that gives you rocks and white hair."


Moses:



"Yup. That's about the extent of it."

And to think that Moses at least had the tablets. Thank GOD that Moses was better at splaining than I am.

Again God kept distanced until I was married to my wife. Not once did I ever abandon God. When I was a child. I stuck an electric plug in my mouth. I burnt the size of a 50¢ piece out of the corner of my mouth. I should have been dead then. I also had some very close calls with bullets
even before I joined the Marine Corps. Once in the Bronx Teabandon - Wiktionaryrminal Market and then again in Corona Queens. Even back then I knew God was not finished with me.

I don't know what, where, or why, but I still am here, and I'm Still Me. AND I am still with God, and God is still with me.

When do I get a break?

I have to do without my medications.  Can't afford that, and sending my daughter to California for a vacation, or my son and wife getting their tattoo's on their vacation in New Hampshire.  Rage is building in me daily and I get NO cooperation. 

While my wife was getting her manicure and pedicure today, my hands were digging in the dirt repairing the garden in the front of the house.  The scalloped edge was halve turned down because people will run over them or kick them getting out of the car and then leave them there.  The garden lights had to be replaced for the same reason.  The shrubs right out the front door and the ones at the end of the driveway had to be replaced because people cut across the lawn trampling over the shrubs and killing them.

Whenever I needed a break from the anger in doing that, I did one of the other smaller jobs that need to be done around the house.  One such job was running garden plumbing from the back of the house to the front of the house.

Another is the 2 flower pots that I have on the back patio.

I then had to stop clean up (Think about the mud and crud from these jobs) and cook dinner and make a salad.  It was probably considered inadequate.  (They always seam to complain but never want to cook, I can't even get them cut up the fruit or make a salad).  My son cooks and then leaves the pan in the sink.  The other day as I was working under my daughters car, I called to my son and told him to get cleaned so that we could go to the Chinese Buffet.  He informs me that he is already cooking his dinner.  I turned to him and asked him if he even thought about cooking dinner for me also.

After dinner, it was dark and I could no longer work on the outside garden. So I went back to work on my daughters car.  I was able to get the tailpipe piece in place and was just about to quit when my wife drove up the driveway.

My wife walks in I told her that Eric was given orders not to attack you and to let you get into to the house first.  She precedes into his room where he starts with his 80 person guest list for his graduation party. 

My wife comes into the livingroom to find a TV. She stated that she wanted a TV in the Livingroom and I thought it might be nice to sit and watch shows there.  She then suggests that I move the Flat Panel in my room and I take the "new" tv in my room.  There goes "HDTV" I have to see if I can find a wall mount for the the NON-HDTV.

Considering the lack of sleep I'm getting without my meds... oh well.

As I am sitting there it is now 10:40 she is upset because there are dirt dishes in the sink.  She's scrambling to rubber gloves to protect her manicure and clean the sink. I told her I would take care of it and I did.  By the time I finished the dishes it was 11:45.  I then went to take a shower. There is not one clean towel in the house.  My son takes a new towel every single day and never washes any of them.  He doesn't even put them in the laundry area for someone else to clean.  There is 1 towel in my room.  My daughter has her OWN towels and can't use anyone else's and no one else can use hers.

It's after midnight I have finally been able the get the garden mud and the rust and the exhause soot out of my hair.

If people can't see God doing his best to make me angry and start yelling and screaming.  I am working my hardest to keep pure to his word.  I just wish those around me would give me a break.

Every time I get angry I try to read a Psalm.  I should have them all memorized be the end of the week.

3rd Degree Burns?

Time Magazine has this article written on January 8th, 2009 called The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder by John Cloud. I figured I tag this for your reading.

I love the description the use about those afflicted BPD: "Borderline
individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn
patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the
slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."

I
only have one thing to clarify. When he claims immense suffering, I
believe it should be emmense feelings. Feelings can be be of joy or
pain and still result in suffering.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really get pissed when I work to protect the man behind the curtain and I screw it up. "West Slide Story was one of those attemps. My wife showed me this new Broadway Musical for the ages and I wanted to share it my readers. Facebook is a "MIRROR" of my regular blog. Facebook did not "MIRROR" anything. It failed.

So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.

stillkeith.blogspot.com

West Slide Story

If you've noticed, I have been on my mark lately.

I've been doing some soul searching lately. God and I have been having some deep conversations. I know my Borderline Personality Disorder has something to do with this, but I'm still hashing it out how.

The Borderline Beast has been showing his face around. I know it's because I'm off my medications, but I have little choice. The medications are so expensive. And the price of every other thing is going up. $35 to fill up the tank. $40 for brake parts. $150 for muffler parts. Kids are even more expensive.

I need a vacation. I need to bang myhead against a wall. I feel so vacant

My wife just doesn't get it....

It is impossible for my wife (let alone anybody else) can even begin to fathom my childhood.  My wife can see it from the outside.  She saw how my father treated me as an adult, but she never saw how he beat me with the "Hotwheels Track".  I have that track above my door to remind me.

She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct.  She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants.  You're the bad one.

She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.

She thinks BPD is made up.  She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.

She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily.  She equates my kids childhood to mine.

All I wanted was my garage back.  My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me.  When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do.  It's now out of my hands.

No matter what happens I say yes from now on.  Whatever he wants he gets.  That's how she wants it.

I'm screaming on the inside right now.  My wife is threatening to throw me out.  Where do I go?  She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright.  I have no place to go.  It's not as if anyone will have me.

He even lied to my wife about detention.  My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not.  He told her no.  That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention.  He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it.  He's not only a liar but also a cheat.

It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with.  I want to... I need to feel something.  Anything.

She just doesn't understand how I go like this.

My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week.  He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.

HELP ME!!!!!

BPD & Skip

I have finally found a Borderline Personality Disorder organization.

http://bpdfamily.com/

After joining the the group they sent me the following message:


You have just been sent a personal message by Skip on .

IMPORTANT: Remember, this is just a notification. Please do not reply to this email.

Hi katowell,

Having a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in your life is often challenging. We hope you will find the education, support and tools needed to help you face these challenges.

BPD is a complex disorder and experts encourage family members to have an experienced and knowledgeable support system. Dialogue is the cornerstone of ours. Posting helps clarify thoughts - and it prompts others to challenge our thinking. When we dialogue, we all learn.

I encourage you to review this quick orientation: Helpful information on how to work through these difficult times.

If you have any questions - or suggestions - please contact me or one of the moderators, advisors, or ambassadors. We're all here to help you. Welcome to the family.

Skippy

Now ain't that a kick in the head. My brother Skipper was one of those that caused my Borderline Personality Disorder.

It sent shivers down my spine. I don't know if I can remain a member if Skip is sending me a reply.

Ronald Reagan?

They don't get it. This is why these Liberal TV stations and newspaper are hemorrhaging in debt.

Friday...Saturday...

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was dating this very young and lovely Generals daughter everything was going fine until I turned araound and she was now a General.

Has nothing to do with tonight's topic.  Just thought you'ld like to look into a warped brain.  Part of my Borderline Personality Disorder is that I won't let things go.  It eats away at me until it consumes my every thought.

I am angry at what this GUY did to the young girl.  It was 3 days ago but I am still very angry.

Now comes Saturday and I am still consumed by this anger.  It will probably stay with me until I get to speak to him and straighten out his flawed thinking.

BPD don'tlike to be cornered.  They don't need to be feel like an outsider. They need to feel like they are part of something that they can control, something that they can make thier own, something that won't trap them.

Can't find a Wednesday song....

I'm usually pretty good with the music titles.  I just can't think of a good Wednesday song.

In my Wednesday group meeting we had a new girl come.  She is 18 and looked like she is currently in a fragile state.  There is another  GUY who comes to our group every week.  He was selling a place that is suppose to reach out to the Mental Health consumers.  I think the place has more problems than it is worth.

This GUY was almost badgering her into going to this place.  BPD's don'tlike to be cornered.  They fight thier ways out of a corner.  This is the defense mechanism that is built into a BPD.

I thought it was time to revisit BPD.


Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5

2.) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4.) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5.) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6.) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days

7.) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

8.) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom

The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.

I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.

I have been soooo.....

People who know me, know that I have certain gifts. I can sometimes see into the future. Not always, but if I concentrate I can tune into these gifts. I sometimes scare my wife. I don't always tell her what I see. It might scare her even more. (plus I promised I would never tell her if it was about her.)

Sometimes like this past week, the gift comes to me. This whole "Mustang Sally" business is one of those incidences. I have had other visions this week also. They started about the same time.

I guess my wife is going to ask me, and when I tell I don't know exactly, she will then imagine it is her. But it isn't, I just have a feeling. Nothing more.

It's just like a calling. Like I found tarot cards that I put away for a while. Something is calling to me. Until I figure it out, that's all it is... A CALLING.

To those people that don't know me.....forget everything I said. I'm crazy.

Took a quiz.....

Your Result: Yeah, your out of your damn mind!

Wow, how have the men in white coats not carried you off to a padded room yet? So is there tin foil in your hat at this very moment? Do the squirrels in your yard tell you what lottery numbers to play? Do you wash your hands every 9.7 minutes to make sure the space bacteria planted by the CIA in the pockets of your jeans doesn't make your face melt off? My money is on yes to at least one of those. Hey but the good news is now your qualified to either run for public office once they let you out of inpatient, or you can make a pretty lucrative living on a street corner in a major city pan handling and screaming at passers by about the impending end of the world at the hands of the Disney corporation, because micky is coming for us all my friends and he wants to make you his B!*%#.

Mustang Sally Part 2

Wow.  I hate when this happens.  On Saturday, I used the music title "Mustang Sally" as part of my blog.  I haven't heard that song in years.  Then comes today, Monday.  I'm watching "Fox and Friends" in the morning, and sure enough Kevin Bacon and his brother played "Mustang Sally".  Coincidence?  I think not.  This proves that Kevin Bacon reads my blog.

He thinks I'm important.

Mustang Sally's got the Spirit

After the Eric's Mustang caught fire (it was electrical and not related to what I was working on) I felt it would take too much time and money to make the Mustang runable. We decided to go out and get him another car that he could use to get around.

We got him a 94 Dodge Spirit.  I started driving the car and felt that the brakes needed to be addressed.   I started by bleeding the brakes to see where we are.

The back brakes went fine, but when I got to the front right bleed, absolutely nothing came out.  I even removed the bleeder valve altogether and nothing came out.

It was at this point that I decided to replace the brake lines.  All of them.

And that is the task ahead of me.  That and the Mustang will be stripped down and rebuilt from the bottom up.

Wish me luck.

I'm all raw..

I've been working on my son's car. My hands are ripped to shreds. My knee is swollen. It's painful for me to type so I will be short.

And it burns, burns, burns, that O-Ring of fire, that O-Ring of fire......

For those of you who know me, have heard my history with cars. Well yesterday I set another car on fire. Again I took it for a test drive and again there was blazing flames coming from the engine compartment.

Neither of these fires has anything to do with the actual work I did.

I haven't been faithful to my blog.

If you've noticed I haven't been blogging as often as I had in the past. I sometimes think there is no one out there listening to me at all. I hope I am giving as much as I can.

Today I had my Saturday DBSA meeting and again no one showed up. I see people all the time on the news and in the papers who have reached the end of their ropes. A guy kills his family, and then himself. Cops who through the stress of the job "Bite a Bullet".

These people are friends and family. There is always a sign. There always a chance to fix things. All to often the self-medicate through drugs and Alcohol. Reach out them, read the signs. It may all be one twist to many that sets them off. You just have to see the signs.

Depression if left untreated can be a fatal illness.

Psalm 69 (Get your heads out of the gutter)

<sup>People who know me, know that I am a faithful man. I try to be a righteous person. I am not without sin. I am not perfect. I read my Bible on a regular basis. Yesterday I did what I do when I want god to guide me. I fan the pages of the book and stick my finger in. God always points me to the passage I need to read at that time.

I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".

I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.

I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.

Psalm 69

1</sup> Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
² Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
³ I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
⁴ Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.

⁵ O God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
⁶ Don’t let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
O Sovereign Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
Don’t let me cause them to be humiliated,
O God of Israel.
⁷ For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
⁸ Even my own brothers pretend they don’t know me;
they treat me like a stranger.

⁹ Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.
¹⁰ When I weep and fast,
they scoff at me.
¹¹ When I dress in burlap to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
¹² I am the favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.

¹³ But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
¹⁴ Rescue me from the mud;
don’t let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me,
and pull me from these deep waters.
¹⁵ Don’t let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.

¹⁶ Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
for your mercy is so plentiful.
¹⁷ Don’t hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
¹⁸ Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.

¹⁹ You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace.
You see all that my enemies are doing.
²⁰ Their insults have broken my heart,
and I am in despair.
If only one person would show some pity;
if only one would turn and comfort me.
²¹ But instead, they give me poison for food;
they offer me sour wine for my thirst.

²² Let the bountiful table set before them become a snare
and their prosperity become a trap.
²³ Let their eyes go blind so they cannot see,
and make their bodies shake continually.
²⁴ Pour out your fury on them;
consume them with your burning anger.
²⁵ Let their homes become desolate
and their tents be deserted.
²⁶ To the one you have punished, they add insult to injury;
they add to the pain of those you have hurt.
²⁷ Pile their sins up high,
and don’t let them go free.
²⁸ Erase their names from the Book of Life;
don’t let them be counted among the righteous.

David asks God to punish those who have sinned, and to ERASE their names from the "Book of Life". I don't understand what happens to those who are ERASED from the "Book of Life". Jews don't believe in hell. Christians at least have a place to send "EVIL" people. Yes there is evil in this world. But what happens to those who are erased? Where do they go?

²⁹ I am suffering and in pain.
Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.

³⁰ Then I will praise God’s name with singing,
and I will honor him with thanksgiving.
³¹ For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle,
more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves.
³² The humble will see their God at work and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
³³ For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisoned people.

³⁴ Praise him, O heaven and earth,
the seas and all that move in them.
³⁵ For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
³⁶ The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.

What a difference a week (or two) makes.

Let

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th lived up to its reputation. I started my day off with my wife telling me our daughter was in a car accident. As it turns out, her brakes went out. We had her tow it to one of those chain repair places and to have her call me as soon as they have it checked out.

After a while I received a call and the verdict $835 (and that was before taxes). Ouch!! This was a front to back brake system. New lines, pads, rotors, calipers, shoes, cables and drums. If I remember the car only cost us $800. Of course I could have done it at half the price. It's done and over with.

Taxed

Today, Friday the 13th, lived up to its horror. My morning started with my wife calling me about our daughter. Apparently her brakes went. I was afraid it was the master cylinder. I was happy to hear that she nor the other driver were hurt.

After that I had my daughter take her car to STS on Long Island, near where she is going to school.
They came back with a bill that topped out at over $800. Well I shit my pants. I honestly think that these repair places.

Running for the shelter for your mothers little helper.....

I'm learing and suffering as I'm learning about medicare and parts A, B, and D (don't know what happened to C). I am getting sick over 2 of my medications. I'm sure there are others, but I can only deal with what is on my plate. These 2 medications are Wellbutrin and Lamictal. I am actually using the generic versions of these meds, but don't recall their names. Each of these are almost $300 each for a 30 day supply. That is almost 1/2 of my Social Security Disability check. I am devastated over this.

How, in this country, did we get to this point. I thank God for the fact that these meds are available to help people like me. I was not function well in society prior to my finding my med coctail.

Mental Illness affects each person differently. I take Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Celexa, Seroquel, and Remeron. Many people with Bipolar Disorder take Lithium. As I have said before I suffer from Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Depression by itself can be treated mostly by medications. BPD is far more complex. Lamictal handles the anger part of BPD, but the underlying cause needs "Talk Therapy" to start working on a cure.

I am will NEVER be cured, I will be able to function and may function well. But as I have said in the past and I will say it over and over again until everyone understands "Mental Illness can be a terminal illness, and should be treated as such."

I NEED my meds. Not taking them is not an option. Something has to give.

Walter vs. Joe Biden

When I saw a picture a picture of VP Joe Biden sitting behind Barrack Obama, I saw an uncanny resemblance to Jeff Dunham's Walter.

Just in case you couldn't tell the difference Walter's on the le....right.

Disney for "Keith"

Separation of Church and State of Mind

Unfortunately I have this penchant for politics. In the past I would get angry, throw things, yell, and threaten. Today, I hardly raise an eyebrow. I have given up on politics. The American people are just too stupid to vote and yet they do.

There are people who voted for Obama because he wrote a book and gave good speeches. So did Hitler.

We're fucked!!!

Photographs and Memories.....

I grew up in a modest household. I died...no I was murdered there too. My family consisted of Mom, Dad and 3 children.

You hear it over and over again. “This company is just one big happy family.” “These people are just like family.” boy if that were the case I wouldn't have joined either group.

My family was not a fun place to grow up in. It was more closely related to Freddy Krueger's family. I was the youngest. By the time I was born, my “family” was already screwed up. I don't think my father ever wanted me. I was an accident. I honestly think that my existence repulsed him.

He was the subject of my therapy session. I brought in a piece of “Hotwheels” track that he would use to beat me (and my brothers) with. When my therapist got a hold of it, he was stunned. He then knew my pain. He also made an observation that hit me between the eyes. He said what was truly iniquitous was the idea that he used an innocent toy, and made it into a device of torture.

If you have children who are young enough (or old enough) to be playing with Hotwheels, take time out to check the pieces of track. If you don't have kids, go to a toy store to check it out. It will only be then that you will understand the horror.

Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder defined

I suffer (don't know of many who really enjoy mental illness) from Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. They are diagnosed as follows:

Depression - Diagnostic Criteria
Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
• Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
• Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
• Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
• a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
• impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
• recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• chronic feelings of emptiness
• inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom

The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.

I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.

Money makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go around.....

I checked out census.gov and we have an estimated 304 million people in the United States. Let's go with $789 billion stimulus package. That means the government could give every man, woman, and child $2,594,885. A family of four could get $10.4 million dollars. Octomom with her 14 kids and her parents would get $44.1 million dollars.

At $1.69 per gallon of gas you could fill a 20 gallon tank for the next 1400+ years.

That would be equivalent of each man, woman and child earning $7,110 per day, or 296 per hour or $5 per second.

This is staggering. Who is going to pay for it? There just aren't enough people in the US.

Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart is not known for bashing Democrats, but Democrats are funny, sometimes hilarious. Still can't stop laughing. Click the blog title to view the video.

A Day in the Life of Keith

An online friend of mine queried what an hour by hour account of my daily life would look like. What I penned will hopefully bring a chuckle to you all.

8:00am - Woke up. Dog is licking my face and pawing at me.

8:12am - Dog has been annoying me long enough, get up and let the dog out.

8:13am - Make a pot of coffee.

8:15am - Pour cup of coffee, and let the dog in. Dog goes running around the house like a race dog. Around the coffee table, down the hallway, up the hallway, around the kitchen table, and.start all over again. She'll do this maybe 10X.

8:30am - Finished cup of coffee. Lay down for nap.

10:30am - Get up. This time I decide to make breakfast. Today I'll make 3 egg omelet with onions, green peppers, some kinda meat (have to see what I have in the fridge), and cheese. I will make hash browns and rye toast to go with it. I start by grating 1/2 an onion and 2 small potatos. Mix them together and throw them into a pan with some oil. Hash browns take the longest so they go down on a low heat first. I then start chopping the other 1/2 of the onion and the top of a green pepper. I say the top because I have learn that if you slice the crown off the top of a geen pepper you can easily pull the core and seeds out with one shot. Fry them in my omelet pan. I have the perfect omelet pan. It's a flat cast iron pan that only has a 1/2 inch lip. Makes it easy to scoop under one side to flip it over to the other and then slide it off and onto a plat. I then throw the rye into the toaster oven. When it finishes cooking and they all work out to finish about the same time I plate it up and the sit down with a fresh cup of coffee.

11:22am - I get dressed, and then go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car. I look at the car and ponder how to attack this job. Right now I'm sick and tired of working on cars. I want a break. This just reminds me that although I am trained as a mechanic, I couldn't do it for a living. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

1:00pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder how to attack this job again. God am I sick and tired of working on cars. I need a break. This just proves that although I am trained as a mechanic, I am ill-equipt do it for a living Can't deal with the impatience and people aspect as well as the monoteny of doing it day in and day out. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

3:00pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder how to attack this job again. God, I don't know if I can look at this car again. I deserve a break. I hate cars and people. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

5:00pm - Make dinner. and eat it,

6:30pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder if I want to attack this job today. I hate cars. Gimme a break. I regret the day I was trained as a mechanic, this ain't my thing People suck and so do their cars. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

8:30pm - I go downstairs to the garage to work on Eric's car again. I look at the car and ponder why bother it's 8:30 and really to late to work on any car today. I guess I start in the morning. I go upstairs to check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

9:00pm - I go downstairs to the garage to turn off the lights and radio. I'll start again in the morning. I go upstairs turn on the TV and check something on the computer, a recipe, my mail, or my Myspace page.

11:00pm - I lay down quietly and try to sleep. All I can think about is that damn f*%king car in the garage.

Stimulate this!

Ok. Let's take at look at what's happening around the country.

1. President calls on ultra left wing “Huffington Post” reporter at press conference.

   Could you imagine what would happen if Bush called on Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity This also legitimizes them and make them a “real” news entity. Helen Thomas needs to walk away. She's becoming a bad joke.

2. Woman marries dolphin.

   This is the next step here in America. It happened in UK, and as soon as we open the floodgates with the approval of gay marriage. NAMBLA's going to want marriage. Will this UK woman have to consummate the marriage. Talk about inter-species dating. Gives a whole new meaning to blowhole.

3. Rancher sued by trespassers on property.

   It reminds me of a joke I heard recent.

   Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

   Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

   Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time.' The terrorist 's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

   Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Just maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

   The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish? 'Kick me in the butt,' said the Marine. 'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?' 'No. I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,' insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader, dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11! In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him : 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?' 'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'And have you three idiots report that I was the aggressor....?'

   This rancher is being sued by trespassers on his property. He would have had less problems if he shot them.

4. Senate passes trillion dollar spending package.

   $1,000,000,000,000 when I grew up it was a make believe number. It was more than a Billion and less than a gazillion, and far less than a bazillion. They say it is an 800 page document costing us $820,000,000,000. That is a billion dollars a page.

God save the King, geez maybe the colonists had it wrong. It took us 230+ years to get back to the beginning. “No taxation without representation.

Be afraid, be very afraid. Once the government get their hooks into a program they never let go.

I'm all a twitter....

In these past couple of nights I've trying to work out a better way of blogging. So far it isn't easy. Sure if I had the money, I could set up my own server and have everything hunky doory. Hunky doory? I can't believe I said Hunky Doory.

To blog, or not to blog

To blog, or not to blog: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the smears and paper cuts of outrageous writing, or to take up laptop against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die: to sleep?

Ok, it's not that dire. As a matter of fact, it's been very good. My daughter is having an actual conversation with me. My son is actually having fun with me. I feel it is because I don't yell or scream as I did before. I also think it is because I am less demanding then I have been in the past. My wife disagrees but I think I am making progress. I don't deny that I've been sleeping to much. I will talk to my Doctor next Tuesday about the Meds I use to help me sleep. We just need a little tweaking, not an overhaul.

So the answer is.....

TO BLOG

P.S.: To those of you that I haven't spoken with in my hiatus. I'm sorry and I'm back. And please comment on my blog. Sometime I feel no one is reading it. Thanks.

In the beginning God created....

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

3 Then God said, “Let there be Keith” and there was Keith. 4 And God saw that Keith was good. Then he separated Keith from the rest of the world...

- Bible according to Keith

I guess the best place to start is in the beginng. God created this perfect little boy and placed him into Hell in hopes he would reform hell and make it one with God. Those who ran Hell named him Keith (same as me).

There were 4 entities in Hell that controlled everything. The first entity was "The enforcer". He was called Father or Dad. The second entity was "The Controller". She was called Mother or Mom. The third entity was "The corrupter", also known as "The thief of Innocence" or "Destoyer of Youth". His name was Brother or Joseph Jr. or Skipper. The forth entity was "Destoyer of Family". His name was Brother or Kevin.

The Controller would do whatever was neccessary to keep things her way and her way only. When she didn't have her head in the sand she could be seen around town wearing her rose colored glasses. If anything intruded on the delusion that her family was perfect she was able to deflect the intruder and make the situation about herself or somebody different.

The Enforcer delt out punishments The Controller felt needed to be addressed. He would also deal his own punishments. He would always use a belt or a piece of "Hotwheels" track. He would line the three underlings up in a row, youngest to oldest.

He would administer the punishments for whatever evil was done, by striking repeatly on the gluteus maximus, using either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. This did two things, it insulated The Enforcer from feeling any pain, and it left welts.

The Controller would preform the task of obligating you to any task she wanted. This is what drove wedges throughout. She keeps track of who owes what to who. She will also do things for you whether you wanted it done or not and then tell you it's for your enrichment or betterment, and then after you tire of arguing and accept her gift, you will then owe her. She also has the unique ability to not see the truth, even when it is explained to her. She goes to church "Religiously" and feel this enough to aid in her salvation. She is a religious person, but she lacks faith. She also feels that church (the physical structure) is where you find God.

The thief of Innocence removed all hope of youthful life. He was thought to be an alien because he used his abilities to probe the innocent. He would strip the outter shell of Keith, and rape him over and over again for many years. He was eventually incarcerated for preforming these acts on others. Durring this period he made The Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him. The Controller almost lost her life on one of these trips.

The Destoyer of Family used his powers to run away. He ran away from home, from school, from the Marines, from his first marraige, from family, and from his second marraige. He also made Then Enforcer and The Controller spend numerous hours taking trips and spending much of the relms fortune on him.

The Keith had to not only be stronger but also wiser and more mature than any other member of hell. His childhood was stollen by all four entities. He tried to lift himself above the fold, but was pushed down at every chance. Although, he had good grades and even was accepted to a well known college for journalism Dowling College, he was unable to attend because the family fortune and wasted on the two criminals.

Now you know the basis for all my ills. I am doing better now but that is a step up from suicide almost three years ago. I am far from cured, so I will take you on a trip through my life, my friends and my healing process.

Come along for the ride.i

This is the start of something incredible...

I wanted to start this blog off by looking at where I've been, and where I'm at today, and where I want to head as well as where I am actually heading.

I am making this first blog short as I am starting on blogger.com and I have really don't have much to say right now except that if you want to see my previous blog you can hop on over to my MySpace page and check it out.

I going to make a good effort try to let the nworld know what "Borderline Personality Disorder" is, and also what "Bipolar Disorder" is. Hopefully through me you might see a friend or even yourself.

P.S.: I am looking for sponsors if anyone is interested in paying my bills. Keep an eye out for me and try to let me know what you're thinking about.