I'm all raw..

I've been working on my son's car. My hands are ripped to shreds. My knee is swollen. It's painful for me to type so I will be short.

And it burns, burns, burns, that O-Ring of fire, that O-Ring of fire......

For those of you who know me, have heard my history with cars. Well yesterday I set another car on fire. Again I took it for a test drive and again there was blazing flames coming from the engine compartment.

Neither of these fires has anything to do with the actual work I did.

I haven't been faithful to my blog.

If you've noticed I haven't been blogging as often as I had in the past. I sometimes think there is no one out there listening to me at all. I hope I am giving as much as I can.

Today I had my Saturday DBSA meeting and again no one showed up. I see people all the time on the news and in the papers who have reached the end of their ropes. A guy kills his family, and then himself. Cops who through the stress of the job "Bite a Bullet".

These people are friends and family. There is always a sign. There always a chance to fix things. All to often the self-medicate through drugs and Alcohol. Reach out them, read the signs. It may all be one twist to many that sets them off. You just have to see the signs.

Depression if left untreated can be a fatal illness.

Psalm 69 (Get your heads out of the gutter)

<sup>People who know me, know that I am a faithful man. I try to be a righteous person. I am not without sin. I am not perfect. I read my Bible on a regular basis. Yesterday I did what I do when I want god to guide me. I fan the pages of the book and stick my finger in. God always points me to the passage I need to read at that time.

I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".

I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.

I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.

Psalm 69

1</sup> Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
² Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
³ I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
⁴ Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.

⁵ O God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
⁶ Don’t let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
O Sovereign Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
Don’t let me cause them to be humiliated,
O God of Israel.
⁷ For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
⁸ Even my own brothers pretend they don’t know me;
they treat me like a stranger.

⁹ Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.
¹⁰ When I weep and fast,
they scoff at me.
¹¹ When I dress in burlap to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
¹² I am the favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.

¹³ But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
¹⁴ Rescue me from the mud;
don’t let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me,
and pull me from these deep waters.
¹⁵ Don’t let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.

¹⁶ Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
for your mercy is so plentiful.
¹⁷ Don’t hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
¹⁸ Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.

¹⁹ You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace.
You see all that my enemies are doing.
²⁰ Their insults have broken my heart,
and I am in despair.
If only one person would show some pity;
if only one would turn and comfort me.
²¹ But instead, they give me poison for food;
they offer me sour wine for my thirst.

²² Let the bountiful table set before them become a snare
and their prosperity become a trap.
²³ Let their eyes go blind so they cannot see,
and make their bodies shake continually.
²⁴ Pour out your fury on them;
consume them with your burning anger.
²⁵ Let their homes become desolate
and their tents be deserted.
²⁶ To the one you have punished, they add insult to injury;
they add to the pain of those you have hurt.
²⁷ Pile their sins up high,
and don’t let them go free.
²⁸ Erase their names from the Book of Life;
don’t let them be counted among the righteous.

David asks God to punish those who have sinned, and to ERASE their names from the "Book of Life". I don't understand what happens to those who are ERASED from the "Book of Life". Jews don't believe in hell. Christians at least have a place to send "EVIL" people. Yes there is evil in this world. But what happens to those who are erased? Where do they go?

²⁹ I am suffering and in pain.
Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.

³⁰ Then I will praise God’s name with singing,
and I will honor him with thanksgiving.
³¹ For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle,
more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves.
³² The humble will see their God at work and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
³³ For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisoned people.

³⁴ Praise him, O heaven and earth,
the seas and all that move in them.
³⁵ For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
³⁶ The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.