Sunday, May 31, 2009

When do I get a break?

I have to do without my medications.  Can't afford that, and sending my daughter to California for a vacation, or my son and wife getting their tattoo's on their vacation in New Hampshire.  Rage is building in me daily and I get NO cooperation. 

While my wife was getting her manicure and pedicure today, my hands were digging in the dirt repairing the garden in the front of the house.  The scalloped edge was halve turned down because people will run over them or kick them getting out of the car and then leave them there.  The garden lights had to be replaced for the same reason.  The shrubs right out the front door and the ones at the end of the driveway had to be replaced because people cut across the lawn trampling over the shrubs and killing them.

Whenever I needed a break from the anger in doing that, I did one of the other smaller jobs that need to be done around the house.  One such job was running garden plumbing from the back of the house to the front of the house.

Another is the 2 flower pots that I have on the back patio.

I then had to stop clean up (Think about the mud and crud from these jobs) and cook dinner and make a salad.  It was probably considered inadequate.  (They always seam to complain but never want to cook, I can't even get them cut up the fruit or make a salad).  My son cooks and then leaves the pan in the sink.  The other day as I was working under my daughters car, I called to my son and told him to get cleaned so that we could go to the Chinese Buffet.  He informs me that he is already cooking his dinner.  I turned to him and asked him if he even thought about cooking dinner for me also.

After dinner, it was dark and I could no longer work on the outside garden. So I went back to work on my daughters car.  I was able to get the tailpipe piece in place and was just about to quit when my wife drove up the driveway.

My wife walks in I told her that Eric was given orders not to attack you and to let you get into to the house first.  She precedes into his room where he starts with his 80 person guest list for his graduation party. 

My wife comes into the livingroom to find a TV. She stated that she wanted a TV in the Livingroom and I thought it might be nice to sit and watch shows there.  She then suggests that I move the Flat Panel in my room and I take the "new" tv in my room.  There goes "HDTV" I have to see if I can find a wall mount for the the NON-HDTV.

Considering the lack of sleep I'm getting without my meds... oh well.

As I am sitting there it is now 10:40 she is upset because there are dirt dishes in the sink.  She's scrambling to rubber gloves to protect her manicure and clean the sink. I told her I would take care of it and I did.  By the time I finished the dishes it was 11:45.  I then went to take a shower. There is not one clean towel in the house.  My son takes a new towel every single day and never washes any of them.  He doesn't even put them in the laundry area for someone else to clean.  There is 1 towel in my room.  My daughter has her OWN towels and can't use anyone else's and no one else can use hers.

It's after midnight I have finally been able the get the garden mud and the rust and the exhause soot out of my hair.

If people can't see God doing his best to make me angry and start yelling and screaming.  I am working my hardest to keep pure to his word.  I just wish those around me would give me a break.

Every time I get angry I try to read a Psalm.  I should have them all memorized be the end of the week.

Friday, May 29, 2009

3rd Degree Burns?

Time Magazine has this article written on January 8th, 2009 called The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder by John Cloud. I figured I tag this for your reading.

I love the description the use about those afflicted BPD: "Borderline
individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn
patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the
slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."


I
only have one thing to clarify. When he claims immense suffering, I
believe it should be emmense feelings. Feelings can be be of joy or
pain and still result in suffering.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really get pissed when I work to protect the man behind the curtain and I screw it up. "West Slide Story was one of those attemps. My wife showed me this new Broadway Musical for the ages and I wanted to share it my readers. Facebook is a "MIRROR" of my regular blog. Facebook did not "MIRROR" anything. It failed.

So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.

stillkeith.blogspot.com

Monday, May 25, 2009

If you've noticed, I have been on my mark lately.

I've been doing some soul searching lately. God and I have been having some deep conversations. I know my Borderline Personality Disorder has something to do with this, but I'm still hashing it out how.

The Borderline Beast has been showing his face around. I know it's because I'm off my medications, but I have little choice. The medications are so expensive. And the price of every other thing is going up. $35 to fill up the tank. $40 for brake parts. $150 for muffler parts. Kids are even more expensive.

I need a vacation. I need to bang myhead against a wall. I feel so vacant

Saturday, May 16, 2009

My wife just doesn't get it....

It is impossible for my wife (let alone anybody else) can even begin to fathom my childhood.  My wife can see it from the outside.  She saw how my father treated me as an adult, but she never saw how he beat me with the "Hotwheels Track".  I have that track above my door to remind me.

She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct.  She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants.  You're the bad one.

She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.

She thinks BPD is made up.  She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.

She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily.  She equates my kids childhood to mine.

All I wanted was my garage back.  My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me.  When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do.  It's now out of my hands.

No matter what happens I say yes from now on.  Whatever he wants he gets.  That's how she wants it.

I'm screaming on the inside right now.  My wife is threatening to throw me out.  Where do I go?  She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright.  I have no place to go.  It's not as if anyone will have me.

He even lied to my wife about detention.  My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not.  He told her no.  That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention.  He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it.  He's not only a liar but also a cheat.

It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with.  I want to... I need to feel something.  Anything.

She just doesn't understand how I go like this.

My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week.  He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.

HELP ME!!!!!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

BPD & Skip

I have finally found a Borderline Personality Disorder organization.

http://bpdfamily.com/

After joining the the group they sent me the following message:


You have just been sent a personal message by Skip on .

IMPORTANT: Remember, this is just a notification. Please do not reply to this email.

Hi katowell,

Having a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in your life is often challenging. We hope you will find the education, support and tools needed to help you face these challenges.

BPD is a complex disorder and experts encourage family members to have an experienced and knowledgeable support system. Dialogue is the cornerstone of ours. Posting helps clarify thoughts - and it prompts others to challenge our thinking. When we dialogue, we all learn.

I encourage you to review this quick orientation: Helpful information on how to work through these difficult times.

If you have any questions - or suggestions - please contact me or one of the moderators, advisors, or ambassadors. We're all here to help you. Welcome to the family.

Skippy


Now ain't that a kick in the head. My brother Skipper was one of those that caused my Borderline Personality Disorder.

It sent shivers down my spine. I don't know if I can remain a member if Skip is sending me a reply.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Ronald Reagan?

They don't get it. This is why these Liberal TV stations and newspaper are hemorrhaging in debt.



Saturday, May 9, 2009

Friday...Saturday...

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was dating this very young and lovely Generals daughter everything was going fine until I turned araound and she was now a General.

Has nothing to do with tonight's topic.  Just thought you'ld like to look into a warped brain.  Part of my Borderline Personality Disorder is that I won't let things go.  It eats away at me until it consumes my every thought.

I am angry at what this GUY did to the young girl.  It was 3 days ago but I am still very angry.

Now comes Saturday and I am still consumed by this anger.  It will probably stay with me until I get to speak to him and straighten out his flawed thinking.

BPD don'tlike to be cornered.  They don't need to be feel like an outsider. They need to feel like they are part of something that they can control, something that they can make thier own, something that won't trap them.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Can't find a Wednesday song....

I'm usually pretty good with the music titles.  I just can't think of a good Wednesday song.

In my Wednesday group meeting we had a new girl come.  She is 18 and looked like she is currently in a fragile state.  There is another  GUY who comes to our group every week.  He was selling a place that is suppose to reach out to the Mental Health consumers.  I think the place has more problems than it is worth.

This GUY was almost badgering her into going to this place.  BPD's don'tlike to be cornered.  They fight thier ways out of a corner.  This is the defense mechanism that is built into a BPD.

I thought it was time to revisit BPD.


Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5

2.) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4.) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5.) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6.) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days

7.) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

8.) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom

The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.

I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.


Monday, May 4, 2009

I have been soooo.....

People who know me, know that I have certain gifts. I can sometimes see into the future. Not always, but if I concentrate I can tune into these gifts. I sometimes scare my wife. I don't always tell her what I see. It might scare her even more. (plus I promised I would never tell her if it was about her.)

Sometimes like this past week, the gift comes to me. This whole "Mustang Sally" business is one of those incidences. I have had other visions this week also. They started about the same time.

I guess my wife is going to ask me, and when I tell I don't know exactly, she will then imagine it is her. But it isn't, I just have a feeling. Nothing more.

It's just like a calling. Like I found tarot cards that I put away for a while. Something is calling to me. Until I figure it out, that's all it is... A CALLING.

To those people that don't know me.....forget everything I said. I'm crazy.

Took a quiz.....

Your Result: Yeah, your out of your damn mind!

Crazy_george_bush_profile

Wow, how have the men in white coats not carried you off to a padded room yet? So is there tin foil in your hat at this very moment? Do the squirrels in your yard tell you what lottery numbers to play? Do you wash your hands every 9.7 minutes to make sure the space bacteria planted by the CIA in the pockets of your jeans doesn't make your face melt off? My money is on yes to at least one of those. Hey but the good news is now your qualified to either run for public office once they let you out of inpatient, or you can make a pretty lucrative living on a street corner in a major city pan handling and screaming at passers by about the impending end of the world at the hands of the Disney corporation, because micky is coming for us all my friends and he wants to make you his B!*%#.



Mustang Sally Part 2

Wow.  I hate when this happens.  On Saturday, I used the music title "Mustang Sally" as part of my blog.  I haven't heard that song in years.  Then comes today, Monday.  I'm watching "Fox and Friends" in the morning, and sure enough Kevin Bacon and his brother played "Mustang Sally".  Coincidence?  I think not.  This proves that Kevin Bacon reads my blog.

He thinks I'm important.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Mustang Sally's got the Spirit

After the Eric's Mustang caught fire (it was electrical and not related to what I was working on) I felt it would take too much time and money to make the Mustang runable. We decided to go out and get him another car that he could use to get around.

We got him a 94 Dodge Spirit.  I started driving the car and felt that the brakes needed to be addressed.   I started by bleeding the brakes to see where we are.

The back brakes went fine, but when I got to the front right bleed, absolutely nothing came out.  I even removed the bleeder valve altogether and nothing came out.

It was at this point that I decided to replace the brake lines.  All of them.

And that is the task ahead of me.  That and the Mustang will be stripped down and rebuilt from the bottom up.

Wish me luck.



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