Dyslimbia vs. Borderline Personality Disorder

I was doing some surfing on the web and came across this site dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. http://www.biologicalunhappiness.com/bpd.htm?src=overture

The very 1st title on that page was "A POSSIBLE NEW NAME FOR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER". Below is the article which I found fasinating.

Many people would like to change the terminology of the “borderline personality disorder” to a new term that more accurately describes the illness. The term “BPD” in and of itself is as if the whole person (and the personality) is flawed, rather than looking at the BPD as a medical problem it actually is.

The term “borderline personality disorder” implies that there is no hope for treatment as many mental health professionals unfortunately still believe. There is thought that this illness borders on schizophrenia, thus the term “borderline.”

What then is borderline personality disorder? These questions have been posed to Dr. Leland Heller, expert in treating borderline personality disorder.

Q. What do you think about the term "borderline personality disorder"?
A. “I think it's a horrible, insulting label for a real medical illness. The name alone reduces serious research, stigmatizes victims, and implies the person is crazy. It denies the medical nature of the process, and implies simply a personality problem.”

Q. Do you think “borderline personality disorder” is an accurate description?
A. “No I don't. It implies a character problem. While I've encountered many people with a bad character who had the BPD, most borderlines I've treated (over 2100) do not have character problems. "Borderline" means patients live "at the border" between psychosis and reality. When borderlines are well treated medically, psychotic experiences are few and far between - and can be treated well. Borderlines don't live at that border, they simply go into psychosis too easily under stress.”

Q. What is the BPD?
A. “The BPD is a medical problem, likely a form of epilepsy (brain cells firing inappropriately and out of control). The characteristic symptoms include inappropriate moodiness, chronic anger, emptiness, boredom, dysphoria (anxiety, rage, depression and despair) and psychosis. The other criteria are symptoms related to these medical problems.
ALL neurological disorders can have an effect on the personality, such as Parkinson's disease which isn't called the ‘shaking personality disorder.’ "

Q. What does this term "Dyslimbia" mean?
“ ‘Dys’ means malfunction, and limbia meaning from the limbic system.
‘Dyslimbia’ is malfunction of the limbic system. While other neuropsychiatric disorders involve malfunction of the limbic system, the limbic system dysfunction is profound in the BPD. I chose Dyslimbia for my patients to take the stigma away. The BPD needs a new name, one that emphasizes healing not labeling.

I don’t care if it’s renamed ‘Dyslimbia’ or not, but a more honest, humane, and hopeful name needs to be made for this illness. Patients deserve to get medical attention for ‘Dyslimbia’ (or an equivalent name), rather than have doctors and therapists shun them because they are ‘borderlines.’”

Mental Illness Awareness Week

I wish we would get a heads up on things like "Mental Health Awareness Week". I wasn't even aware that there was a "Mental Health Awareness Week", let alone that it was this week.

Anyway. Check out the link.

Mental Illness Awareness Week focuses on changes TheCabin.net

Shared via AddThis

Leaving on a jet plane, don'tknow when I will be back again...

I'm not doing well.  My wife signed a lease on an apartment.  The kids have decided that they are going to live with her.  Hence the abandonment issues.  My wife knows this will hurt me.  My kids know this will hurt me.

My daughter thinks that because I told her to go outside when she was little, that I didn't want her.  I don't know how to fix warped perceptions like that.  I love my kids so much it hurts.  It hurts when they do things like this.  It hurts when they won't get help.  It hurts when they don't care enough to learn about me.  I haven't cried like this in a long time.

I can't help but to think that I have lost them for good.

The Monster in the Box

I was going through some of my old posts on MySpace to make sure some of thereally good ones would make it on Blogger.com.  I saw this and posted it.

It's been years since I've written a peom, but this one was rattling through my head and wouldn't let me sleep.  I pulled out one of my cassette recorders (that's one of those things that came long before CD's or MP3's) put it along side of my bed, and as the words came flowing I recorded them.  This is the result.

The Monster in the Box

I colored my world,

in shades of grey.

But the Monster in the Box,

came out to play.

 

I tossed and I turned,

and I tried to sleep.

But the Monster in the Box,

was cutting to deep.

 

I wanted to speak,

to talk, say a word.

But the Monster in the Box

was the one that was heard.

 

I've been wounded so deep,

and fallen so low.

Because the Monster in the Box,

is a formidible foe.

Good Luck K!!!!

I go to a group on Wednesday call DBSA.  It is a self-help support group for those with Depression and Bipolar Disorder.   I have a second diagnosis which is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  In our group there is a young lady who also has BPD and I always look forward to seeing her.

When she is at group, I feel connected.  We have something that the others don't, and probably can't comprehend.  BPD is such a heinous disorder.  And BPD's need all the friends they can get, that understand them.

K is off to college.  Good for her.  She needs to get out there are find her wings.  I know that she has everything she needs to succeed.

Good Luck K!  All I ask is that you keep in touch with me and share with me all your new experiences.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you......

My estranged wifes birthday was this past week.  I gave her a card to wish her well.  Afterwords, I ask if she got the card.  She says, she was amazed I remembered.  She says this same thing everytime I give her a card or a gift for special occasions.  It's like an old joke that's not funny and hasn't been that way for a long time?  She has to make almost everything a put-down.

I had this discussion with my therapist today.  I made mistakes throughout my marriage.  I take responsibility for my misdeeds.  But looking back, Ilene has pushed me down throughout my marriage.  I started looking back at what I was before I married Ilene. 

1. I had been in 49 of the 50 United States.
2. I was a published Writer.
3. I had a play I wrote produced by a local theatre group.
4. I had learned computer hardware and software by teaching myself.  (Courses to learn that stuff didn't exist)
   
5. I developed computer systems for a large defense contractor.
6. When I left that company, I was replaced by a department.
7. At 13 I had a business mowing lawns in the summer and shoveling walks in the winter.
8. At 15 I was working fulltime in the produce business and by 18 I was running my own produce business at flea markets 5 days a week and driving into da Bronx 2 days a week to pickup fresh produce.
9. I had learned auto mechanics in BOCES (3 years).  I spent me spare time rebuilding old cars.  My favorites were Ford Fairlanes and Falcons.
10. Even while I was in the Marine Corps I kept writing.  I wrote for the base newspaper when stationed at Marine Barracks Hawaii.
11. Barracks Duty is plush cushy duty and highly sought out.  I came out the top of my class in Admin School and had choice duty station.

All of this was accomplished before I married Ilene.  Before I was 28 years old.  Before I had the life sucked out of me.

I talked to an old dear friend of mine this past week.  I had not spoken to this person in over 22 years.  It was good to hear from this person.  Married.  No Kids.  Still living in the house this person grew up in.  Our conversation was great, and I was happy that life and given this couple happiness.  They too had gone through similar health issues that we had gone through.  They conquered their problems and remained married.  Diabetes and Depression goes hand in hand and they overcome those issues.  They had no kids because of health problems.  My friends spouse had the problem.

I was glad to hear that through it all, they were still together, and happy.  I feel more and more that we (thank God) are the exception, and not the rule.  I'm glad to hear that people like George and Barbara, Debbie and Gene, GerriLynne and Dennis, and and my friend have learned to not only deal with the difficulties of life, but also to encourage each other and grow.

As I told my therapist I love Ilene but I won't let her push me down and hold my head under water any more.  I hope that in the future, she learns not to put people down, but instead to lift them up.  Elevate them to go on to greater things.

Imagine what I could have accomplished had I been encouraged, first by my parents and then later by my wife.  51 years of being told you can't do this, you can't do that.  You're not good enough, you are forgetful, you're not capable, we can't afford ......no, no, no......down, down, down............. 

I have to start listening to the messages God gives me.  I need to stop listening to the nay sayers.  I need to start listen to the voices that I should have listened to ages ago.

I need to stop making the mistakes that I've made by not listening to the messages that are being sent to me from God.  I am setting my goals high and marching forward.

A Foggy London Day in London Town.......

A foggy day, In london town, It had me low, And it had me down....(la da da da da...)

I've been in a fog for about a week now. I need someone my own age that can talk to me on my level.  You know the kind of person who has had similar experiences in their life that we can relate to together.  I have friends, but most of them are between 18 and 40.  I was hoping that K. would have dropped me a note by now.  I worry about her because she has Borderline Personality Disorder also, she's the 18 year old.  I worry about her because she attended our Wednesday meeting and talked about her problem sleeping, and how she felt all alone.  She's so young and having to deal this BPD.  It's impossible for her parents to understand her.  Being a fellow sufferer I had hoped that we would be able to help each other.

Then there is J., he is in his 30's.  I like the guy, but I don't think he understands that I've got responsibilities that I have to take care of.  I also don't think he understands that I relate more to his parents than I do to him.

Then there is S., she is a nice young lady, but we differ in so many ways that I don't know if she could understand my life.  First of all, I'm old.  Let's face it, 51 ain't no spring chicken.  2nd, I don't know that she or my other friend J. have ever had to support a family.

There are some who would like you all to think that I've been a lazy bum for my entire life.  Contrary, when I first was married, I was teaching computer programs to the corporate world.  I went from there to designing computer systems for Wall Street.  As and Assistant Vice President of a computer software company, I made significantly more money than my wife.  I did that for the first 10 years of our marriage.

People can't comprehendhow fucked up this is.  At 13, I had my own lawn mower business.  I was raking in about $250 a week mowing lawns in the summer and shoveling walks and driveways in the winter.  When I was 16 I worked at the Farmers Market during the summer I usually worked around 60 hours a week OTB which ended up to be some serious coin.

But it had it's price.  I'm 6 foot 3 and when you work in a business the makes you lift hundreds of pounds every day.  So I'm relatively strong and I've gotten violent (throwing someone over a couple of cashier stations violent) with my co-workers.

I look back thoughout my entire lifes history and I see all of the problems that this illness has bestowed upon me.  It sucks.  What sucks more is that I didn't want any of this, but I'm fuckin stuck with it.

....(la da da da da...) And suddenly, I saw you standing right there, And in foggy london town, The sun was shining everywhere.

Never wishing anyone ill will......

I have reread all of my posts from day one of this divorce.  Not once have I told any one of them to "go fuck yourself", "go commit suicide", or like when I went for surgery "I wish they missed with the knife". 

I love my children, and I even love Ilene.  If I didn't I would never have married her in the first place.  I just can't live with her.  It is not in my heart to wish any other them ill will.

On the contrary:  In my June 10th Blog, I said at the end "God Bless all of them, Ilene, Cassie and Eric. God Bless her brothers and their families. I hope that they take care of all of her needs."  On June 22, I ended it with "I will always have a special place in my heart for Ilene. As I have said in the past, I knew from the very first moment I met her, that I was going to marry her, have a family together, and then grow old together. How's that song go "2 out of 3 ain't bad". But I am so happy that things are changing.  So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today."

I can't wish them anything but the best.  I hope that life gives them all that they deserve.

Should I stay or should I go....

I got a call from a person asking me not to blog about certain people because they are embarrassed.  I don't know what they are embarrassed about.  Maybe because other people are seeing the other side of a story that they only heard one side of in the past.  Maybe it is because they think they can manipulate the story when I don't say anything.  Narcissistic people have to control.

Blogging is my healing mechanism.  Blogging is my way of getting the truth out.  This other person  made comments and when I responded to those comments that person deleted them because that person only wanted that persons side told.

I stand beside everything that I have said, unlike that person, I wish them no ill will.  Whereas they want me dead and have said so on more than one occasion.  I love that person, I just can't live with them any longer.

Back to yelling at me.

I told you last time I blogged that I feared her yelling at me.  She has even gone to the "encouraging me to commit suicide" thing (I won't give her the satisfaction). She is complaining that I am not doing anything around the house. 

She is complaining that I am not doing the things around the house that I used to do and she complained that I didn't do things around the house.  I am not doing the things I once did and now she complains that I'm not doing them.

She can now see the things that I once did, that she didn't think I did.

I'm even confused.

Back from New Hampshire.

My wife took my daughter, my son,and my sons friend to New Hampshire.  The left Friday and returned late today. 

At 11:10 she knocks on my door and asked me if I noticed the water on the bathroom floor.  I told her yes and that I thought it was because everyone (except me) takes a shower closing the window and making steam in the bathroom.  She said that she thought it was coming from the toilet.  I told her I would look at it in the morning.

Am I stupid or what.  If she can afford to take three kids, for 2 full days to New Hampshire, she can afford a plumber.

I am so concerned about having her yelling at me, and going through her routines that she does that makes me look bad in front of the kids.  She was yelling out loud about our sex life so the kids could hear it.  I should have yelled back at her about how frigid she was through out our marriage.  And how she had a headache that lasted almost 18 years.

I can't wait until this is all over.  The kids are only seeing one side of this whole divorce.  Mommy takes me to New Hampshire.  Mommy also hasn't paid property taxes in 2 quarters but that's OK.

Posting from the Post

I decided to go down to the American Legion Post in Franklin. I happen to be a member there and it is one of those sanctuary places that my family can't easily enter without my allowing them.

it is a worry free zone where I can meet like minded people, and enjoy them.

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

I am so out of Kindergarten...

After my estranged wife came into my room and tried to pick a fight with me (SEE PREVIOUS BLOG).  I then asked her to leave and closed the door on her as she tried to provoke a fist fight with me.  After hearing her screem something through the door, it quieted down.  After a while, I went outside the room to get something to eat and this is what I found outside the door to my room....



Yes she is tearing up photo's of us together and leaving them outside my door.  This is the reason I graduated from Kindergarten.

A woman that is approaching 47 years old need to show a little more maturity. She needs to look beyond her and I and show that she is a grown up.

She certainly knows how to push my buttons and get me riled up.

SHe is clueless!!!

She is trying to make me think that I abused her the same way I was abused.  She thinks that what I did to her as a 25 year old adult who is capable of making her own decisions is exactly the same as what happened to me at the age of between 8 and 16.  A child who relied upon the adults that abused, to protect him. 

She thinks that because I hit her in a blackout fit of rage 3 times in all of our 22 years of marriage, is the same as being raped over and over and over and over again by somebody your suppose to look up too.  It has the moral equivalent of being beat with a hotwheels track on a weekly basis.  It wasn't 1 time a week sometimes it started on Friday and lasted until dear old dad had to go to work on Monday.

She needs to go to battered woman's shelter and spend one day talking to those women then she can talk about abuse.  I never once said that I didn't hit her.  But she was an adult, and just like today, she has her family to help her.  I have nobody except my friends.

For her to equate what I had control over as a child to what happened to her as a fully grown adult.  If she truly thinks she has been abused and wants me to go with her to therapy, as I have always told her I will do what ever is necessary to help her.

She refuses to get the help she needs and then blames me for her inaction's, so I won't accept the blame.  I take responsibility for those actions I did.  I was sick and need help back then.  I can't do anything about the past and since she wants to live in la la world, I can't help her either.

I also won't roll over and play dead for her either.  She needs to take responsibility for what she has done to me.  She has made me the bad guy to my children for all of their years.  She's sitting outside my door right now and telling to kill myself.  Geez where does my son get it from.

I know she is doing this to provoke me.  Thank god I have freinds.

Thank God for tiny little pills!!!!!!

I originally had a complete other blog planned for today.  I was going to talk about how peaceful things have been around here.  That was until Ilene got on the rag.  She doesn't like the way Eric's money is being doled out.  She does not think that I am spending the full amount on him.

She has completely cut all money off to me.  She is making decisions about OUR HOUSE, unilaterally.  She is demanding that I clear off things from HER KITCHEN TABLE (I had to remind her that it was OUR TABLE).  And she is demanding that I get a job and go to work.

If you know anything about me, you would know that I am just not capable of working.  I just started working with my 3rd set of Therapists and Psychiatrists.  I get frazzled easily.  I don't follow through on things and the medications I'm on are all new.  I've only been on them for a month.

She thinks she knows better than all the Therapists and Psychiatrists, all the Judges and even the State and Federal Governments that not only think I shouldn't work, but I shouldn't drive.  She doesn't think I should drive.

She just doesn't get it.  She thinks I'm all well.  She thinks this is a joke.  That I made up all of this.  I wish she could spend 1 day in my brain and then tell me this is all fake.  God how I wish I was well.  I have taken my full allotment of little pills for today.  Can't wait till midnight. Arrrrrrrrg!!!!!  This is going to eat at me for days, and days.

Here it goes again....

A little over a month ago, I got angry about my CLEAN laundry being thrown on the floor.  I asked my daughter at the time if she took the clothes out of the dryer.  She said no.  I asked my son, and he said yes.  I walked away from the situation telling people to leave me alone.  Eric followed me upstairs asking me why was I doing this to him?  This ended up in WWIII and the downfall of our marriage.

Today I went downstairs to pickup my laundry to bring it upstairs and fold it.  This is how I found my clothes.

Of course I shouldn't get the slightest bit angry over this. I would NEVER to this to their clothes.

testing 1 2 3 testing 1 2 3

Went to the Veterans Administration Hoszpital at Castle Point, NJ for a colonoszcopy. Two days of preping, two days of nothing but clear fluids, all for a half-hour of looking up my address.

It's over and done with. I've come out and "these pipes are clean!!!"

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

If only I could skate at this age......

If my youth had been spent more productively.  If only I had learned how to skate at a much younger age than I did.   I could have been great.  I could have been just as good as these kids.

I might have been able to make you'all laugh.  But curses be, I wasn't and I can't...

My son thinks I'm stupid...

My son came to me today and wanted me to give him money to go clothes shopping. I explained to him that I would be more than happy to go clothes shopping with him.

He told me no and that he didn't want me going with him. And then threatened to go to wife's attorney if I wouldn't give him the money to go clothes shopping. He declared himself an adult (he's only 17). And after telling him for the 4th time that I wasn't going to hand him the money, he maturely told me to go fuck myself, to comit suicide, to go drive my car into a tree.

Real mature. Real responsible.

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

Rebecca's Dream and Keith's Nightmare.

I was reading a story about Rebecca Cutler http://www.rebeccacutlerfoundation.org/index.htm. A 30 year old girl who died of Depression. It was fascinating how the family congregated around this young lady and supported her.

I have a friend of mine who also has Bipolar Disorder, from her stories she did some horrible things to her husband, make false accusations and costing him his dream job. He stood beside her and her illness. Today he is facing cancer and his wife is returning the favor.

I have another friend who's husband has a rare illness that might take his life at any point. Did she say "Fuck this I didn't sign up for this I'm out of here!!". No she continued to support her family and be a wife.

I have yet another friend of mine, who's wife and daughter are out of control. He works in the Mental Health Field, Sits on the County Mental Health Board and then has to come home to deal with his wife's mental illness. Been doing it for quite some time as I am to understand.

You know what I get.... "Don't blame me for what they can see themselves. Now if you don't mind I am at work. You know the thing that you are not capable of doing." She thinks that I'm faking it. She thinks that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't real illnesses. This is the compassion I get from her.

She belittles and berates me in front of the kids. She let's them know that all the financial problems are because I am lazy, not ill. She allows theses kids to treat me with disdain. I CAN blame her for what SHE says about me in front of the kids. I CAN blame HER for BAD MOUTHING me in front of the kids.

On the road again.....

I am trying out this new program that will help me do mobile blogs. It might be a little more interesting if I can blog on-the-go.

I can then find more interesting places to blog about or blog in the moment.

We shall see.

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

The next best thing?

I started looking at something different to watch on TV.  90% of everything on TV is either a game show or reality TV.  I hate reality TV because it is far from reality and what I call lazy TV.  They get somebody or some family or some group of freaks, throw a camera in their faces and call it entertainment.

We all like to see the car crash, or the hockey player with the bloody face.  Do we really need to watch "Jon and Kate plus eight masturbate".  And some of these game shows are in same. "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!!" or "I survived a Japanese Game Show".   Give me a brake.

There have been some really great TV shows and replaced them with CRAP.  Thank you Writers Strike.  This is all thanks to you.

This is definitely BPD acting up.  I guess if I go out and kill one of these program directors, I can claim insanity!!!!

You little twit.....

Once upon a time if you were a twit, you were a foolish or annoying person.  The act to twit, twitting, or twitted  (third-person singular simple present twits, present participle twitting, simple past and past participle twitted) was to act in a twitful manner.

I of course used wiktionary to get a more precise definition.  Go ahead and check it out at http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/twit.

Today everybody is a twit, including me.  Yes I am a twit also, and I can prove it to you all.  Check me out on twitter.com.  I am going to try to twit more often a couple of times a day.  We'll see.

Twitting and talking works toward a stabilization of my Mental Illness.  I can never be cured.  There is no cure.  I just have to learn how to deal with it.

In sickness and in health....

Part of the wedding vows go as follows:

"I ____, take thee, ____, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part....."

I bring this up because of my my wife's decree "I never signed up for this!!!". Well I beg to differ. According to God, you did sign up for this.

I never wanted to get sick. I never wanted to have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. If I knew 22 years ago that I had these 2 illnesses, I would never have inflicted them on ANYBODY. I would never have gotten married, my life would have been different. But God dealt me a different set of cards, and I will have to play the hand I was dealt. I won't walk away complaining these are not the cards I wanted, gimme new ones.

My wife has filled for divorce and God will take care of me. I have always trusted his guidance. He will always do what is right for me.

Enough

A friend of mine gave this to me after I explained to her why I always said 'I love you' to my wife before she went to work.  I think it is more lasting and just enough.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moment together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have.' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?'

'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back will be for my funeral.' he said.

'When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.' He paused for a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he even smiled more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough.' we wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.'

Then turning toward me he shared the following as if reciting it from memory,

'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hello's to get you through the final goodbye.'

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Congratulations Eric!!!!

Today, after an agonizing 14 years of Schooling (Pre-K and K-12), my son has his diploma in hand. I am so very proud of him and I hope he knows that no matter what he says or does to me, I am his father and he is my son, and I love him.

Originally I was going to be "punished" by not being allowed to come at all, but they changed their minds and procured a ticket for me in the Auditorium where you get to see your child graduate on "Jumbotron". Ilene and Cassie were to sit in the Gymnasium and see it live. Thankfully, God was being good to me and brought me good weather. With the good weather they held the Commencement Exercise outdoors, and it became a moot point.

My wife made a comment in the car on the way over. She says to me "I hope you know that those are Stadium seating, and the only reason you got those was because of me." All I could see at that moment was my mother. It was almost as if she were saying "You should happy for the crumbs I toss to you, now come and kiss my feet."

This is my son for God's sake. It's not like it was the guy down the end of the block's birthday. Ilene should have used the opportunity to teach my son what it RIGHT. She should have used the chance to explain to Eric that I am his father and that I had just as much right to be there as she did. No, she had to control the situation (again, just like my mother).

I will always have a special place in my heart for Ilene. As I have said in the past, I knew from the very first moment I met her, that I was going to marry her, have a family together, and then grow old together. How's that song go "2 out of 3 ain't bad". But I am so happy that things are changing.

So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today.

Happy Father's Day...

Well here it is, another chance for my children to hurt me. I never beat my Kids, they NEVER spent one second bare assed over my knee being beaten with either a "Hotwheels" track or a plastic spoon. In my house and to the best of my knowledge they were never raped. They never had to endure the pain that I did. The never had to be let down over and over again because another sibling needed a lawyer or to be let out of jail. The worse I ever did to these kids was yell at them and throw things in their general direction. I never intended to hit them and considering I am 6'3" and currently weight in at 350lbs and a Honorably Discharge Marine, if I ever did hit them the would have been hospitalized.

I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.

What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.

My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).

The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.

My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".

Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....

"Happy Father's Day"

Dillusional?

Within the past week, I have had a had maybe tops 20 words from my family. All 3 of them total maybe 20 words. I get a note on my door this morning. I scanned it in for people to see actual demeaner.

Well I could have helped with the repair costs doing it myself. I knew he was having problems with his brakes and I was suppose to work on them over the weekend. That was before I was told be the same son to go kill myself, slit my throat, drive my car into a tree, yada, yada, yada. $700 ($350 was my "portion') and of course they could never see the value in it. Curiosity, I wonder how much an afterhours brake job on Ilene's car, or the muffler replacement on Cassie's car cost. Now that they have to go to a mechanic, I guess we will find out.

Getting back to the note. $480 for car insurance. She thinks that Eric's portion is only like $120.00. To find the REAL cost of Eric's car insurance she will need to price his insurance alone. His insurance would be $334.57 as a basic bare minimum insurance policy. I used Progress.com to compare.

Next there is the cell phone bill. $471 for the 4 of us. There are features that can and should be turned off. I told this to Ilene MONTH's ago. There is no need for ringback tones. I turned off extras on my phone.

Next we need to address Eric's SSI payment. I get $833 for me to use to help support Eric as I deem necessary for his needs. Last month I paid over $1300 to help in the support of Eric. This month I have paid $658 for electric bill and $35 in overdraft. Ilene has stopped her payment going into the bank. I have no idea what she is spending money on. I have no idea what she is wasting money on. She is claiming everything is my fault and that I haven't paid bills and that is why we are in the position we are in. Fine she wants to blame me, if she thinks that makes things better.

I asked her to read Dave Ramsey and Suzy Orman. She has never picked up either book. It basically says to stop paying for everything you can't afford to pay cash for. Live within your means. Cassie wanted to go to California. The original deal was that we would buy the plane tickets for her birthday, but she had to pay for everthing else. She earned about $300.00 last year. Of which she pisssed away on things like "Coach" collars for the dogs. So when it came time for her to go to California my wife should have said "No, we can't afford it."

I told here months ago that we needed to make BIG cuts in our way of living. She thinks like Obama that she can spend her way out of this problem. Obama can print more money. She can't.

She called me "Dillusional" today. She is so wrong, I am not playing into the "Illusion that I grew up in a HAPPY home." nor am I playing into the "Illision that she ever loved me." My eyes are open for the first time in over 40 years. I am happy at the fact that I am finding peace in God. I am happy and proud that I am now leaving my life completely in his hands. I became ordained to help find peace and to help others. My wife mocked me for this, when my freinds have not only been supportive, but they have also be proactive in helping me. They actually want me to be happy.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Ilene.

I had a nice therapy session today. I had a special session with my therapist today. After my past week, I had ask my therapist for an emergency session. We discussed many things and he feels I did what was needed.

He also feels that yes my mother is a Narcissist. And agrees that we have a tendency to marry our mothers/fathers, because that is what we know. He also acknowledged that once we truly understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder we can then see it in those around us.

I left yesterdays blog with a eureka moment. But I feel I need to explain why I see Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my wife.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

* Seek constant attention and admiration
I have had to continuously stroke her ego. She has even cut-off friends with took attention away her.

* Consider themselves better than others

* Exaggerate their talents and achievement
In this past week alone I told her that I would fix the post that Kiko ripped out of the wall she took it as an insult that she was incapable to fix the post. This was done on the same day that she roasted a chicken "BACK UP" and tried to cut a piece of breast meat from the back.

* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
Need I say more. She has always wanted what other people have. And when it doesn't happen well then it is all hell until it happens.

* Are easily hurt but may not show it.

* Set unrealistic goals
Although the seeds for my illness were set in my youth (between the ages of 7 to 14 according to research), it was not until 9/11 that I had my 1st real adult trigger. That is when the depression started. It wasn't untill Feb/Mar of 2007 that I had my first suicide attempt. It took me from 1965 til 2007 to fester my illness. From what I've read and understand, it takes 5 to 7 years to START recovery. Ilene wants it now.

From what I've read it also extends to her children. Since she is superior, her children must also be superior. If not, it is not a problem with her or her child, it must be with those who see fault. She thinks her son is College Material. She see's him going on to college and doing greater things.

I love my son, but I am realistic. He needs to learn discipline. He needs to learn respect. Until then, he will never be able to achieve college level courses. I hope he does eventually attend college, but he needs to work at getting himself up to college level work.

* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals
She doesn't care which one of her friends or family she will push under the bus to get what he wants. I know that her brothers think I am to blame for all of our financial problems. That is Ilene's manipulation of the facts. Her friends that don't agree with her 100% she would push under the bus also. Example, Fran, Marcy, Karen and even Joanne. Joanne is being twisted because Ilene wants her ear, but Joanne is still Marcy's friend.

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
She obsesses with these Soap Operas of hers and Twilight and Charmed, as well the books she reads. I have watched some of them and whenever I make fun of them, it is like attacking a sacred cow.

* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
Again this goes with her ability to throw friends and family under the bus if they don't agree with her 100% from the get go. Even when it came to Mother in the Nursing Home. She expected both Lenny and Fred to go along with what she said. And when they didn't, Lenny was in her words a Jackass.

* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.
I am point in case. I have a Mental Ilness, I have caused problems in the past and I am getting help. Ilene has not accepted the FACT that this MAY BE as good as it gets. It could be that I will get BETTER but there is NO CURE. And there is always the chance that I could get worse. I never PLANNED this life for me either. She still can't accept this.

* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
I go back to fixing the pole that Kiko ripped out of the wall. I told her that I would fix it the right way. She took this as an insult and that I was criticising her.

* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
Mutual friends of ours have described her as Nasty. Thought it was only towards me.

Of course I could be wrong. I am not a therapist, but I have many clues that point in this direction including the FACT that she is not only the youngest in the family, but she is also the only girl out of three. She has always been taken care of by her brothers. The only way to know for sure is to see a trained professional.


God Bless all of them, Ilene, Cassie and Eric. God Bless her brothers and their families. I hope that they take care of all of her needs.

My wife thinks she knows Borderline Personality Disorder.....she is.....clueless.

One thing I have noticed is that Ilene and my Mother are of the same cloth. My mother has this little Autistic girl living next door. She knows more about autism than she does about he own sons Borderline Personality Disorder.

Ilene claims that Eric is Manic Depressive and inherited it from me. It could have been inherited from either one of us, but if it makes it easier for her to blame me, then, OK it's my fault.

She suspects he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). NO PROOF. It is a learned behavior. She says he learned it from me. I believed that he learned it from her actions toward me. She allows him to tell me to "Go fuck myself", "Drop dead", "Go commit suicide", "Go drive your car off the road". I would NEVER let him talk to her that way. And yet she allows him to disrespect me.

If Eric does have BPD he needs to be diagnosed and TREATED. There is no Medication in the world to treat BPD

I believe Ilene and my mother bother suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not a Therapist or Psychiatrist. But her symptoms fit.

What Are the Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:

* Are self-centered and boastful
* Seek constant attention and admiration
* Consider themselves better than others
* Exaggerate their talents and achievements
* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
* Are easily hurt but may not show it
* Set unrealistic goals
* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
* Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude

What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.

When I read this (thinking about my mother) I saw Ilene. It is intriguing when I speak to mutual friends and how she will shut people out of her life who don't agree 100% with her. Even her sister-inlaw and brother when they didn't agree with her she blocked her from her facebook. For Gods sake, we've been out of High School for a couple of years now.

If she truly loves her son and her daughter as I do, she will get them to therapy. Let a trained professional diagnose and help them.

If she ever intends to be happy, she needs therapy also. She blames me for things that happened over 20 years ago. That I LEGALLY had NO choice. Emotionally I was setup for a fall. If I forced her to do one thing or not do it, I would be controlling. I am blamed for not being there? There was no right choice for me!!! It was not MY CHOICE.

When Is she going to stop yelling?????

6:30am - I get woken to Ilene yelling at me again.  This time, because I changed MY password to MY Checking account.  I tell her I did it not to hurt anyone but to protect myself from her spending MY money on things like Cassie's Vacation or Eric's Tatoo when there is a Negative in the checking account.

Someone (my thinking it is her brother) bailed her out.  He will have to continue bailing her out on her bad choices.  I don't have the ability or will to do it any more.

I stopped fighting over it when i told we had to make cutbacks and she refused to do it.

She has turned the kids against me in works and actions.  The other day, she specifically called me when I was texting her so that Eric knew it was ME being the mean one again, because I questioned Ilene's spending practices.

He is mad at me, for her actions.

Soon, all of this will pass.  All I can hope and pray for is that some day they all will get the help they need.  God knows they need it.

New beginings.....

My wife wants me out of the house, and I want out of the marriage. This was a mistake, and it should have been finished years ago.

Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.

I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.

I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.

I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.

So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.

I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.

I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.

I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.

I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.

Well it's over....

I have done my best to try to keep this family together.  I have taken blame for the actions that and damages I have caused.  I have asked that my wife and children get therapy.  God knows they need it.

I have always loved my wife and children, still do.  I honestly don't think my has ever loved me.  She married me because she wanted to beat he High School friend Suzanne down the aisle.  She was in love with the idea of marriage, but she has always wanted to be single.

Even this past week I got a large TV for the livingroom in hopes that we could spend time together.  I have spend countless hours trying to save our house.  I comes to this.  She blurts that she can't wait til the the kids are out of the house and I'm out of the house and then she can sell the house and get on with her life.

She would much rather be Cassie and Eric's best friend than their mother.  The tipping stone was when she calls me and tells me the account is in a negative balance and to not go to Lowes to get the garden hose.  I then text her because she was to be going with our 17 year old son to get him his $150 tattoo.  I texted her because I did not feel it wise to spend $150 on a tattoo, when there is a negative balance in the checking account.  I asked her if it could wait until my check came in.  She then calls me on the telephone so that Eric can hear the conversation and then I'm the mean one again.

Every time we've had financial problems Ilene was in charge of the bank accounts. Before my first suicide attempt, I was in charge of the books.  I took it over after we almost lost the house the first time because she didn't pay property taxes for an entire years.  After 6 months under my direction we had paid our back taxes, we paid off the 2004 PT 2 years earlier and $18000. in the savings account. 

When Ilene is still paying a mortgage on an house she doesn't own.  When she is in an apartment that doesn't allow pets.  When the bills are up to her eyes while her children are still sitting in their rooms in her apartment watching TV or playing video games, or going on vacation on mom's dime.  Then and maybe then, she will understand that they (all 3 of them) needed help but it will be too late.

When I got married it was for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part.  I know what I signed for.  Ilene says she never signed on for this.

I love my wife and children, but I will no longer pretend that they love me.

Nearer to God....................................................

I have to look at my relationship with God and Christ. It seems to me that that when I was a child I did not know him. I did not want to know him. After all, what had he done for me lately? I was in a family that had no real use for me.

My father hated me. How do I know this? My father mettled out punishment with the fervor of a pitbull starting with the youngest and working finally tiring by the time he got to the oldest. He would do this round after round until somebody confessed. He used either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. The pain could then be inflicted longer and with greater bearing. He inflicted double damage by turn a toy into a weapon.

Skipper (F. Joseph Towell, Jr.) was the oldest, he raped me. The more I say it, the easier it is to say it. I did nothing wrong, I shouldn't feel guilty. He violated me. He went to jail for the rape of a 13 year old girl. He never faced ANY punishment for violating me.

Kevin was 2 years older than I was. He did his dammedest to pull me down into his world. He was drug and alcohol dependent, but worse than that he was a quiter. He quit everything. He quit High School, Family, Marraige, even the Marine Corps. He quit EVERYTHING. He moved to Florida to get away from my Parents. But she calls my mother daily. He IS "Poor Jane" in every sense of the way.

Let me explain "Poor Jane". My mother is the oldest of 3. My Aunt Karen was the youngest, my mother was the oldest, and then there was "Poor Jane". My Aunt Jane choose poorly in life. He first husband Edward, was an alcoholic. In my growing up, my Aunt Jane live in the same apartment building as my Grandmother (her mother). But whenever my Grandmother needed anything she would call my mother. My mother would run out there and deal with her and then have to listen to how "Poor Jane" didn't have this or didn't have that. "Poor Jane" might have had more in her if she spent less time in bars.

Kevin kinda like lets life evolve around him. He sells hot dogs on the beach. He has never pushed, or gone out of his way for anybody. He has no money, and lives hand to mouth. "Poor Jane" lives on.

My mother has enabled everyone in my family. When I asked my mother if she had even the slightest hint that Skipper had molested anybody. She said that once when Kevin was being beat up by some neighborhood kids, she overheard one kid say "...that's right go home and get raped by your older brother." I asked what she did next. She said, she asked Skipper if he was molesting anyone. Skipper said "No." That was it, the end of the conversation, he said no. What more evidence was needed?

My parents spent untold dollars defending both of my brothers in a Court of Law and even though I was the only child to Graduate from High School and be accepted to Dowling College. I was subjected to Community College. Which allowed me to flounder until I folded.

I then needed to escape my brothers drug-scapades so I joined the Marine Corps. It was there that god found me again. God calls me, I listen. My Grandfather passed away while I was in bootcamp. He was burried a good week before my mother decided to tell me. I was extremely found of my Grandfather and angry when I was informed. I wasn't given the choice, I was told afterwards. God and I had one of our longest conversations that night. I was also the first time I requested to speak with a Minister.

I was given a Bible that day by the Minister that I still carry today. I hardly ever read that Bible today. Instead, I have a bible that I asked for, for Christmas, but ended up buying for myself. It is in the New Living Translation which means less thos and thou arts, and more dos and dems ((Brooklyneses) only kidding).

When I came back out of the Marine Corps and when back home, God became a little less converse. It wouldn't be until now (2009) that I realized that God kept his distance when I was with my family.

Now I must clarify that I am not hearing voices? God puts things (ideas) in my head. It's not like I'm seeing and hearing things.

I can now understand Moses trying to explain to his people:

Moses:

"I got these 10 laws from a burning bush."


People:

"And the white beard?"


Moses:

"Yup. That's about the extent of it."


People:

"So you want me to worship a burning bush that gives you rocks and white hair."


Moses:



"Yup. That's about the extent of it."

And to think that Moses at least had the tablets. Thank GOD that Moses was better at splaining than I am.

Again God kept distanced until I was married to my wife. Not once did I ever abandon God. When I was a child. I stuck an electric plug in my mouth. I burnt the size of a 50¢ piece out of the corner of my mouth. I should have been dead then. I also had some very close calls with bullets
even before I joined the Marine Corps. Once in the Bronx Teabandon - Wiktionaryrminal Market and then again in Corona Queens. Even back then I knew God was not finished with me.

I don't know what, where, or why, but I still am here, and I'm Still Me. AND I am still with God, and God is still with me.

When do I get a break?

I have to do without my medications.  Can't afford that, and sending my daughter to California for a vacation, or my son and wife getting their tattoo's on their vacation in New Hampshire.  Rage is building in me daily and I get NO cooperation. 

While my wife was getting her manicure and pedicure today, my hands were digging in the dirt repairing the garden in the front of the house.  The scalloped edge was halve turned down because people will run over them or kick them getting out of the car and then leave them there.  The garden lights had to be replaced for the same reason.  The shrubs right out the front door and the ones at the end of the driveway had to be replaced because people cut across the lawn trampling over the shrubs and killing them.

Whenever I needed a break from the anger in doing that, I did one of the other smaller jobs that need to be done around the house.  One such job was running garden plumbing from the back of the house to the front of the house.

Another is the 2 flower pots that I have on the back patio.

I then had to stop clean up (Think about the mud and crud from these jobs) and cook dinner and make a salad.  It was probably considered inadequate.  (They always seam to complain but never want to cook, I can't even get them cut up the fruit or make a salad).  My son cooks and then leaves the pan in the sink.  The other day as I was working under my daughters car, I called to my son and told him to get cleaned so that we could go to the Chinese Buffet.  He informs me that he is already cooking his dinner.  I turned to him and asked him if he even thought about cooking dinner for me also.

After dinner, it was dark and I could no longer work on the outside garden. So I went back to work on my daughters car.  I was able to get the tailpipe piece in place and was just about to quit when my wife drove up the driveway.

My wife walks in I told her that Eric was given orders not to attack you and to let you get into to the house first.  She precedes into his room where he starts with his 80 person guest list for his graduation party. 

My wife comes into the livingroom to find a TV. She stated that she wanted a TV in the Livingroom and I thought it might be nice to sit and watch shows there.  She then suggests that I move the Flat Panel in my room and I take the "new" tv in my room.  There goes "HDTV" I have to see if I can find a wall mount for the the NON-HDTV.

Considering the lack of sleep I'm getting without my meds... oh well.

As I am sitting there it is now 10:40 she is upset because there are dirt dishes in the sink.  She's scrambling to rubber gloves to protect her manicure and clean the sink. I told her I would take care of it and I did.  By the time I finished the dishes it was 11:45.  I then went to take a shower. There is not one clean towel in the house.  My son takes a new towel every single day and never washes any of them.  He doesn't even put them in the laundry area for someone else to clean.  There is 1 towel in my room.  My daughter has her OWN towels and can't use anyone else's and no one else can use hers.

It's after midnight I have finally been able the get the garden mud and the rust and the exhause soot out of my hair.

If people can't see God doing his best to make me angry and start yelling and screaming.  I am working my hardest to keep pure to his word.  I just wish those around me would give me a break.

Every time I get angry I try to read a Psalm.  I should have them all memorized be the end of the week.

3rd Degree Burns?

Time Magazine has this article written on January 8th, 2009 called The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder by John Cloud. I figured I tag this for your reading.

I love the description the use about those afflicted BPD: "Borderline
individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn
patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the
slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."

I
only have one thing to clarify. When he claims immense suffering, I
believe it should be emmense feelings. Feelings can be be of joy or
pain and still result in suffering.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really get pissed when I work to protect the man behind the curtain and I screw it up. "West Slide Story was one of those attemps. My wife showed me this new Broadway Musical for the ages and I wanted to share it my readers. Facebook is a "MIRROR" of my regular blog. Facebook did not "MIRROR" anything. It failed.

So to see my blog as I have originally written it follow the link.

stillkeith.blogspot.com

West Slide Story

If you've noticed, I have been on my mark lately.

I've been doing some soul searching lately. God and I have been having some deep conversations. I know my Borderline Personality Disorder has something to do with this, but I'm still hashing it out how.

The Borderline Beast has been showing his face around. I know it's because I'm off my medications, but I have little choice. The medications are so expensive. And the price of every other thing is going up. $35 to fill up the tank. $40 for brake parts. $150 for muffler parts. Kids are even more expensive.

I need a vacation. I need to bang myhead against a wall. I feel so vacant

My wife just doesn't get it....

It is impossible for my wife (let alone anybody else) can even begin to fathom my childhood.  My wife can see it from the outside.  She saw how my father treated me as an adult, but she never saw how he beat me with the "Hotwheels Track".  I have that track above my door to remind me.

She's seen how my mother tries to manipulate my every construct.  She makes you feel guilty if you don't do exactly what she wants.  You're the bad one.

She can't even comprehend what it feels like to have your older brother rape you repeatedly for years and have everyone pretend it didn't or couldn't happen.

She thinks BPD is made up.  She thinks that I can take a magic pill and it all goes away.

She pretends to think that I have abused my children similarily.  She equates my kids childhood to mine.

All I wanted was my garage back.  My wife has showed me how little she thinks of me.  When Eric needed to be disciplined she told me she would back whatever I needed to do.  It's now out of my hands.

No matter what happens I say yes from now on.  Whatever he wants he gets.  That's how she wants it.

I'm screaming on the inside right now.  My wife is threatening to throw me out.  Where do I go?  She thinks I can just go to my mothers or my brothers and the world will be alright.  I have no place to go.  It's not as if anyone will have me.

He even lied to my wife about detention.  My wife asked him this past week whether he had detention or not.  He told her no.  That was Tuesday, on Wednesday I got a letter from the school telling me he had a 3 hour detention.  He even tried to grab the mail before anyone else could get it.  He's not only a liar but also a cheat.

It's been real difficult for me lately I've had certain needs that I don't know how to deal with.  I want to... I need to feel something.  Anything.

She just doesn't understand how I go like this.

My therapist and I discussed my BPD this past week.  He told me that I can relapse back into the defensive mode.

HELP ME!!!!!

BPD & Skip

I have finally found a Borderline Personality Disorder organization.

http://bpdfamily.com/

After joining the the group they sent me the following message:


You have just been sent a personal message by Skip on .

IMPORTANT: Remember, this is just a notification. Please do not reply to this email.

Hi katowell,

Having a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in your life is often challenging. We hope you will find the education, support and tools needed to help you face these challenges.

BPD is a complex disorder and experts encourage family members to have an experienced and knowledgeable support system. Dialogue is the cornerstone of ours. Posting helps clarify thoughts - and it prompts others to challenge our thinking. When we dialogue, we all learn.

I encourage you to review this quick orientation: Helpful information on how to work through these difficult times.

If you have any questions - or suggestions - please contact me or one of the moderators, advisors, or ambassadors. We're all here to help you. Welcome to the family.

Skippy

Now ain't that a kick in the head. My brother Skipper was one of those that caused my Borderline Personality Disorder.

It sent shivers down my spine. I don't know if I can remain a member if Skip is sending me a reply.

Ronald Reagan?

They don't get it. This is why these Liberal TV stations and newspaper are hemorrhaging in debt.

Friday...Saturday...

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was dating this very young and lovely Generals daughter everything was going fine until I turned araound and she was now a General.

Has nothing to do with tonight's topic.  Just thought you'ld like to look into a warped brain.  Part of my Borderline Personality Disorder is that I won't let things go.  It eats away at me until it consumes my every thought.

I am angry at what this GUY did to the young girl.  It was 3 days ago but I am still very angry.

Now comes Saturday and I am still consumed by this anger.  It will probably stay with me until I get to speak to him and straighten out his flawed thinking.

BPD don'tlike to be cornered.  They don't need to be feel like an outsider. They need to feel like they are part of something that they can control, something that they can make thier own, something that won't trap them.

Can't find a Wednesday song....

I'm usually pretty good with the music titles.  I just can't think of a good Wednesday song.

In my Wednesday group meeting we had a new girl come.  She is 18 and looked like she is currently in a fragile state.  There is another  GUY who comes to our group every week.  He was selling a place that is suppose to reach out to the Mental Health consumers.  I think the place has more problems than it is worth.

This GUY was almost badgering her into going to this place.  BPD's don'tlike to be cornered.  They fight thier ways out of a corner.  This is the defense mechanism that is built into a BPD.

I thought it was time to revisit BPD.


Borderline Personality Disorder - Diagnostic Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5

2.) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4.) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5.) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6.) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days

7.) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

8.) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptom

The italicized text is how these illnesses are displayed in me. I am doing much better now. Many of the symptoms I have been medicated for. I have a cocktail of medications that I take everyday. I fear that if I get off these medications that I will most assuredly return to my previous monster.

I call it my monster because that thing that I once was is just the opposite of Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He took a potion to become the monster, whereas I take a potion to become...human.

I have been soooo.....

People who know me, know that I have certain gifts. I can sometimes see into the future. Not always, but if I concentrate I can tune into these gifts. I sometimes scare my wife. I don't always tell her what I see. It might scare her even more. (plus I promised I would never tell her if it was about her.)

Sometimes like this past week, the gift comes to me. This whole "Mustang Sally" business is one of those incidences. I have had other visions this week also. They started about the same time.

I guess my wife is going to ask me, and when I tell I don't know exactly, she will then imagine it is her. But it isn't, I just have a feeling. Nothing more.

It's just like a calling. Like I found tarot cards that I put away for a while. Something is calling to me. Until I figure it out, that's all it is... A CALLING.

To those people that don't know me.....forget everything I said. I'm crazy.

Took a quiz.....

Your Result: Yeah, your out of your damn mind!

Wow, how have the men in white coats not carried you off to a padded room yet? So is there tin foil in your hat at this very moment? Do the squirrels in your yard tell you what lottery numbers to play? Do you wash your hands every 9.7 minutes to make sure the space bacteria planted by the CIA in the pockets of your jeans doesn't make your face melt off? My money is on yes to at least one of those. Hey but the good news is now your qualified to either run for public office once they let you out of inpatient, or you can make a pretty lucrative living on a street corner in a major city pan handling and screaming at passers by about the impending end of the world at the hands of the Disney corporation, because micky is coming for us all my friends and he wants to make you his B!*%#.

Mustang Sally Part 2

Wow.  I hate when this happens.  On Saturday, I used the music title "Mustang Sally" as part of my blog.  I haven't heard that song in years.  Then comes today, Monday.  I'm watching "Fox and Friends" in the morning, and sure enough Kevin Bacon and his brother played "Mustang Sally".  Coincidence?  I think not.  This proves that Kevin Bacon reads my blog.

He thinks I'm important.

Mustang Sally's got the Spirit

After the Eric's Mustang caught fire (it was electrical and not related to what I was working on) I felt it would take too much time and money to make the Mustang runable. We decided to go out and get him another car that he could use to get around.

We got him a 94 Dodge Spirit.  I started driving the car and felt that the brakes needed to be addressed.   I started by bleeding the brakes to see where we are.

The back brakes went fine, but when I got to the front right bleed, absolutely nothing came out.  I even removed the bleeder valve altogether and nothing came out.

It was at this point that I decided to replace the brake lines.  All of them.

And that is the task ahead of me.  That and the Mustang will be stripped down and rebuilt from the bottom up.

Wish me luck.

I'm all raw..

I've been working on my son's car. My hands are ripped to shreds. My knee is swollen. It's painful for me to type so I will be short.

And it burns, burns, burns, that O-Ring of fire, that O-Ring of fire......

For those of you who know me, have heard my history with cars. Well yesterday I set another car on fire. Again I took it for a test drive and again there was blazing flames coming from the engine compartment.

Neither of these fires has anything to do with the actual work I did.

I haven't been faithful to my blog.

If you've noticed I haven't been blogging as often as I had in the past. I sometimes think there is no one out there listening to me at all. I hope I am giving as much as I can.

Today I had my Saturday DBSA meeting and again no one showed up. I see people all the time on the news and in the papers who have reached the end of their ropes. A guy kills his family, and then himself. Cops who through the stress of the job "Bite a Bullet".

These people are friends and family. There is always a sign. There always a chance to fix things. All to often the self-medicate through drugs and Alcohol. Reach out them, read the signs. It may all be one twist to many that sets them off. You just have to see the signs.

Depression if left untreated can be a fatal illness.

Psalm 69 (Get your heads out of the gutter)

<sup>People who know me, know that I am a faithful man. I try to be a righteous person. I am not without sin. I am not perfect. I read my Bible on a regular basis. Yesterday I did what I do when I want god to guide me. I fan the pages of the book and stick my finger in. God always points me to the passage I need to read at that time.

I listen to these "Guided Imagery" tapes (really mp3 files on my ipod but I not sure how some people would understand) by Belleruth Naparstek. The ones I have been listening to are "Anger and Forgiveness".

I went to my therapist today and we discussed "Anger and Forgiveness". I have the anger under control, but I don't think I have it in my heart to forgive. The wounds are deep and they are still raw.

I was guided to Psalm 69 last night and read it several times and even after my discussion with my therapist I read it still again. Here it is and I have noted sections that I thought needed noting.

Psalm 69

1</sup> Save me, O God,
for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
² Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire;
I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water,
and the floods overwhelm me.
³ I am exhausted from crying for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping,
waiting for my God to help me.
⁴ Those who hate me without cause
outnumber the hairs on my head.
Many enemies try to destroy me with lies,
demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal.

I read this very first section as a feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, and reaching out to God's hand and not feeling it. It says hey God, I've been faithful to you can you ust once help me.

⁵ O God, you know how foolish I am;
my sins cannot be hidden from you.
⁶ Don’t let those who trust in you be ashamed because of me,
O Sovereign Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
Don’t let me cause them to be humiliated,
O God of Israel.
⁷ For I endure insults for your sake;
humiliation is written all over my face.
⁸ Even my own brothers pretend they don’t know me;
they treat me like a stranger.

⁹ Passion for your house has consumed me,
and the insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.
¹⁰ When I weep and fast,
they scoff at me.
¹¹ When I dress in burlap to show sorrow,
they make fun of me.
¹² I am the favorite topic of town gossip,
and all the drunks sing about me.

¹³ But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping this time you will show me favor.
In your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with your sure salvation.
¹⁴ Rescue me from the mud;
don’t let me sink any deeper!
Save me from those who hate me,
and pull me from these deep waters.
¹⁵ Don’t let the floods overwhelm me,
or the deep waters swallow me,
or the pit of death devour me.

¹⁶ Answer my prayers, O Lord,
for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me,
for your mercy is so plentiful.
¹⁷ Don’t hide from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
¹⁸ Come and redeem me;
free me from my enemies.

¹⁹ You know of my shame, scorn, and disgrace.
You see all that my enemies are doing.
²⁰ Their insults have broken my heart,
and I am in despair.
If only one person would show some pity;
if only one would turn and comfort me.
²¹ But instead, they give me poison for food;
they offer me sour wine for my thirst.

²² Let the bountiful table set before them become a snare
and their prosperity become a trap.
²³ Let their eyes go blind so they cannot see,
and make their bodies shake continually.
²⁴ Pour out your fury on them;
consume them with your burning anger.
²⁵ Let their homes become desolate
and their tents be deserted.
²⁶ To the one you have punished, they add insult to injury;
they add to the pain of those you have hurt.
²⁷ Pile their sins up high,
and don’t let them go free.
²⁸ Erase their names from the Book of Life;
don’t let them be counted among the righteous.

David asks God to punish those who have sinned, and to ERASE their names from the "Book of Life". I don't understand what happens to those who are ERASED from the "Book of Life". Jews don't believe in hell. Christians at least have a place to send "EVIL" people. Yes there is evil in this world. But what happens to those who are erased? Where do they go?

²⁹ I am suffering and in pain.
Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.

³⁰ Then I will praise God’s name with singing,
and I will honor him with thanksgiving.
³¹ For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle,
more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves.
³² The humble will see their God at work and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
³³ For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisoned people.

³⁴ Praise him, O heaven and earth,
the seas and all that move in them.
³⁵ For God will save Jerusalem
and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there
and settle in their own land.
³⁶ The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.

What a difference a week (or two) makes.

Let

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th lived up to its reputation. I started my day off with my wife telling me our daughter was in a car accident. As it turns out, her brakes went out. We had her tow it to one of those chain repair places and to have her call me as soon as they have it checked out.

After a while I received a call and the verdict $835 (and that was before taxes). Ouch!! This was a front to back brake system. New lines, pads, rotors, calipers, shoes, cables and drums. If I remember the car only cost us $800. Of course I could have done it at half the price. It's done and over with.