Saturday, August 8, 2009

A Foggy London Day in London Town.......

A foggy day, In london town, It had me low, And it had me down....(la da da da da...)

I've been in a fog for about a week now. I need someone my own age that can talk to me on my level.  You know the kind of person who has had similar experiences in their life that we can relate to together.  I have friends, but most of them are between 18 and 40.  I was hoping that K. would have dropped me a note by now.  I worry about her because she has Borderline Personality Disorder also, she's the 18 year old.  I worry about her because she attended our Wednesday meeting and talked about her problem sleeping, and how she felt all alone.  She's so young and having to deal this BPD.  It's impossible for her parents to understand her.  Being a fellow sufferer I had hoped that we would be able to help each other.

Then there is J., he is in his 30's.  I like the guy, but I don't think he understands that I've got responsibilities that I have to take care of.  I also don't think he understands that I relate more to his parents than I do to him.

Then there is S., she is a nice young lady, but we differ in so many ways that I don't know if she could understand my life.  First of all, I'm old.  Let's face it, 51 ain't no spring chicken.  2nd, I don't know that she or my other friend J. have ever had to support a family.

There are some who would like you all to think that I've been a lazy bum for my entire life.  Contrary, when I first was married, I was teaching computer programs to the corporate world.  I went from there to designing computer systems for Wall Street.  As and Assistant Vice President of a computer software company, I made significantly more money than my wife.  I did that for the first 10 years of our marriage.

People can't comprehendhow fucked up this is.  At 13, I had my own lawn mower business.  I was raking in about $250 a week mowing lawns in the summer and shoveling walks and driveways in the winter.  When I was 16 I worked at the Farmers Market during the summer I usually worked around 60 hours a week OTB which ended up to be some serious coin.

But it had it's price.  I'm 6 foot 3 and when you work in a business the makes you lift hundreds of pounds every day.  So I'm relatively strong and I've gotten violent (throwing someone over a couple of cashier stations violent) with my co-workers.

I look back thoughout my entire lifes history and I see all of the problems that this illness has bestowed upon me.  It sucks.  What sucks more is that I didn't want any of this, but I'm fuckin stuck with it.

....(la da da da da...) And suddenly, I saw you standing right there, And in foggy london town, The sun was shining everywhere.


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