Never wishing anyone ill will......

I have reread all of my posts from day one of this divorce.  Not once have I told any one of them to "go fuck yourself", "go commit suicide", or like when I went for surgery "I wish they missed with the knife". 

I love my children, and I even love Ilene.  If I didn't I would never have married her in the first place.  I just can't live with her.  It is not in my heart to wish any other them ill will.

On the contrary:  In my June 10th Blog, I said at the end "God Bless all of them, Ilene, Cassie and Eric. God Bless her brothers and their families. I hope that they take care of all of her needs."  On June 22, I ended it with "I will always have a special place in my heart for Ilene. As I have said in the past, I knew from the very first moment I met her, that I was going to marry her, have a family together, and then grow old together. How's that song go "2 out of 3 ain't bad". But I am so happy that things are changing.  So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today."

I can't wish them anything but the best.  I hope that life gives them all that they deserve.

Should I stay or should I go....

I got a call from a person asking me not to blog about certain people because they are embarrassed.  I don't know what they are embarrassed about.  Maybe because other people are seeing the other side of a story that they only heard one side of in the past.  Maybe it is because they think they can manipulate the story when I don't say anything.  Narcissistic people have to control.

Blogging is my healing mechanism.  Blogging is my way of getting the truth out.  This other person  made comments and when I responded to those comments that person deleted them because that person only wanted that persons side told.

I stand beside everything that I have said, unlike that person, I wish them no ill will.  Whereas they want me dead and have said so on more than one occasion.  I love that person, I just can't live with them any longer.

Back to yelling at me.

I told you last time I blogged that I feared her yelling at me.  She has even gone to the "encouraging me to commit suicide" thing (I won't give her the satisfaction). She is complaining that I am not doing anything around the house. 

She is complaining that I am not doing the things around the house that I used to do and she complained that I didn't do things around the house.  I am not doing the things I once did and now she complains that I'm not doing them.

She can now see the things that I once did, that she didn't think I did.

I'm even confused.

Back from New Hampshire.

My wife took my daughter, my son,and my sons friend to New Hampshire.  The left Friday and returned late today. 

At 11:10 she knocks on my door and asked me if I noticed the water on the bathroom floor.  I told her yes and that I thought it was because everyone (except me) takes a shower closing the window and making steam in the bathroom.  She said that she thought it was coming from the toilet.  I told her I would look at it in the morning.

Am I stupid or what.  If she can afford to take three kids, for 2 full days to New Hampshire, she can afford a plumber.

I am so concerned about having her yelling at me, and going through her routines that she does that makes me look bad in front of the kids.  She was yelling out loud about our sex life so the kids could hear it.  I should have yelled back at her about how frigid she was through out our marriage.  And how she had a headache that lasted almost 18 years.

I can't wait until this is all over.  The kids are only seeing one side of this whole divorce.  Mommy takes me to New Hampshire.  Mommy also hasn't paid property taxes in 2 quarters but that's OK.

Posting from the Post

I decided to go down to the American Legion Post in Franklin. I happen to be a member there and it is one of those sanctuary places that my family can't easily enter without my allowing them.

it is a worry free zone where I can meet like minded people, and enjoy them.

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

I am so out of Kindergarten...

After my estranged wife came into my room and tried to pick a fight with me (SEE PREVIOUS BLOG).  I then asked her to leave and closed the door on her as she tried to provoke a fist fight with me.  After hearing her screem something through the door, it quieted down.  After a while, I went outside the room to get something to eat and this is what I found outside the door to my room....



Yes she is tearing up photo's of us together and leaving them outside my door.  This is the reason I graduated from Kindergarten.

A woman that is approaching 47 years old need to show a little more maturity. She needs to look beyond her and I and show that she is a grown up.

She certainly knows how to push my buttons and get me riled up.

SHe is clueless!!!

She is trying to make me think that I abused her the same way I was abused.  She thinks that what I did to her as a 25 year old adult who is capable of making her own decisions is exactly the same as what happened to me at the age of between 8 and 16.  A child who relied upon the adults that abused, to protect him. 

She thinks that because I hit her in a blackout fit of rage 3 times in all of our 22 years of marriage, is the same as being raped over and over and over and over again by somebody your suppose to look up too.  It has the moral equivalent of being beat with a hotwheels track on a weekly basis.  It wasn't 1 time a week sometimes it started on Friday and lasted until dear old dad had to go to work on Monday.

She needs to go to battered woman's shelter and spend one day talking to those women then she can talk about abuse.  I never once said that I didn't hit her.  But she was an adult, and just like today, she has her family to help her.  I have nobody except my friends.

For her to equate what I had control over as a child to what happened to her as a fully grown adult.  If she truly thinks she has been abused and wants me to go with her to therapy, as I have always told her I will do what ever is necessary to help her.

She refuses to get the help she needs and then blames me for her inaction's, so I won't accept the blame.  I take responsibility for those actions I did.  I was sick and need help back then.  I can't do anything about the past and since she wants to live in la la world, I can't help her either.

I also won't roll over and play dead for her either.  She needs to take responsibility for what she has done to me.  She has made me the bad guy to my children for all of their years.  She's sitting outside my door right now and telling to kill myself.  Geez where does my son get it from.

I know she is doing this to provoke me.  Thank god I have freinds.

Thank God for tiny little pills!!!!!!

I originally had a complete other blog planned for today.  I was going to talk about how peaceful things have been around here.  That was until Ilene got on the rag.  She doesn't like the way Eric's money is being doled out.  She does not think that I am spending the full amount on him.

She has completely cut all money off to me.  She is making decisions about OUR HOUSE, unilaterally.  She is demanding that I clear off things from HER KITCHEN TABLE (I had to remind her that it was OUR TABLE).  And she is demanding that I get a job and go to work.

If you know anything about me, you would know that I am just not capable of working.  I just started working with my 3rd set of Therapists and Psychiatrists.  I get frazzled easily.  I don't follow through on things and the medications I'm on are all new.  I've only been on them for a month.

She thinks she knows better than all the Therapists and Psychiatrists, all the Judges and even the State and Federal Governments that not only think I shouldn't work, but I shouldn't drive.  She doesn't think I should drive.

She just doesn't get it.  She thinks I'm all well.  She thinks this is a joke.  That I made up all of this.  I wish she could spend 1 day in my brain and then tell me this is all fake.  God how I wish I was well.  I have taken my full allotment of little pills for today.  Can't wait till midnight. Arrrrrrrrg!!!!!  This is going to eat at me for days, and days.

Here it goes again....

A little over a month ago, I got angry about my CLEAN laundry being thrown on the floor.  I asked my daughter at the time if she took the clothes out of the dryer.  She said no.  I asked my son, and he said yes.  I walked away from the situation telling people to leave me alone.  Eric followed me upstairs asking me why was I doing this to him?  This ended up in WWIII and the downfall of our marriage.

Today I went downstairs to pickup my laundry to bring it upstairs and fold it.  This is how I found my clothes.

Of course I shouldn't get the slightest bit angry over this. I would NEVER to this to their clothes.

testing 1 2 3 testing 1 2 3

Went to the Veterans Administration Hoszpital at Castle Point, NJ for a colonoszcopy. Two days of preping, two days of nothing but clear fluids, all for a half-hour of looking up my address.

It's over and done with. I've come out and "these pipes are clean!!!"

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

If only I could skate at this age......

If my youth had been spent more productively.  If only I had learned how to skate at a much younger age than I did.   I could have been great.  I could have been just as good as these kids.

I might have been able to make you'all laugh.  But curses be, I wasn't and I can't...

My son thinks I'm stupid...

My son came to me today and wanted me to give him money to go clothes shopping. I explained to him that I would be more than happy to go clothes shopping with him.

He told me no and that he didn't want me going with him. And then threatened to go to wife's attorney if I wouldn't give him the money to go clothes shopping. He declared himself an adult (he's only 17). And after telling him for the 4th time that I wasn't going to hand him the money, he maturely told me to go fuck myself, to comit suicide, to go drive my car into a tree.

Real mature. Real responsible.

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

Rebecca's Dream and Keith's Nightmare.

I was reading a story about Rebecca Cutler http://www.rebeccacutlerfoundation.org/index.htm. A 30 year old girl who died of Depression. It was fascinating how the family congregated around this young lady and supported her.

I have a friend of mine who also has Bipolar Disorder, from her stories she did some horrible things to her husband, make false accusations and costing him his dream job. He stood beside her and her illness. Today he is facing cancer and his wife is returning the favor.

I have another friend who's husband has a rare illness that might take his life at any point. Did she say "Fuck this I didn't sign up for this I'm out of here!!". No she continued to support her family and be a wife.

I have yet another friend of mine, who's wife and daughter are out of control. He works in the Mental Health Field, Sits on the County Mental Health Board and then has to come home to deal with his wife's mental illness. Been doing it for quite some time as I am to understand.

You know what I get.... "Don't blame me for what they can see themselves. Now if you don't mind I am at work. You know the thing that you are not capable of doing." She thinks that I'm faking it. She thinks that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder aren't real illnesses. This is the compassion I get from her.

She belittles and berates me in front of the kids. She let's them know that all the financial problems are because I am lazy, not ill. She allows theses kids to treat me with disdain. I CAN blame her for what SHE says about me in front of the kids. I CAN blame HER for BAD MOUTHING me in front of the kids.

On the road again.....

I am trying out this new program that will help me do mobile blogs. It might be a little more interesting if I can blog on-the-go.

I can then find more interesting places to blog about or blog in the moment.

We shall see.

Posted from moBlog – mobile blogging tool for Windows Mobile

The next best thing?

I started looking at something different to watch on TV.  90% of everything on TV is either a game show or reality TV.  I hate reality TV because it is far from reality and what I call lazy TV.  They get somebody or some family or some group of freaks, throw a camera in their faces and call it entertainment.

We all like to see the car crash, or the hockey player with the bloody face.  Do we really need to watch "Jon and Kate plus eight masturbate".  And some of these game shows are in same. "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!!" or "I survived a Japanese Game Show".   Give me a brake.

There have been some really great TV shows and replaced them with CRAP.  Thank you Writers Strike.  This is all thanks to you.

This is definitely BPD acting up.  I guess if I go out and kill one of these program directors, I can claim insanity!!!!

You little twit.....

Once upon a time if you were a twit, you were a foolish or annoying person.  The act to twit, twitting, or twitted  (third-person singular simple present twits, present participle twitting, simple past and past participle twitted) was to act in a twitful manner.

I of course used wiktionary to get a more precise definition.  Go ahead and check it out at http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/twit.

Today everybody is a twit, including me.  Yes I am a twit also, and I can prove it to you all.  Check me out on twitter.com.  I am going to try to twit more often a couple of times a day.  We'll see.

Twitting and talking works toward a stabilization of my Mental Illness.  I can never be cured.  There is no cure.  I just have to learn how to deal with it.