The Monster in the Box

I was going through some of my old posts on MySpace to make sure some of thereally good ones would make it on Blogger.com.  I saw this and posted it.

It's been years since I've written a peom, but this one was rattling through my head and wouldn't let me sleep.  I pulled out one of my cassette recorders (that's one of those things that came long before CD's or MP3's) put it along side of my bed, and as the words came flowing I recorded them.  This is the result.

The Monster in the Box

I colored my world,

in shades of grey.

But the Monster in the Box,

came out to play.

 

I tossed and I turned,

and I tried to sleep.

But the Monster in the Box,

was cutting to deep.

 

I wanted to speak,

to talk, say a word.

But the Monster in the Box

was the one that was heard.

 

I've been wounded so deep,

and fallen so low.

Because the Monster in the Box,

is a formidible foe.

Good Luck K!!!!

I go to a group on Wednesday call DBSA.  It is a self-help support group for those with Depression and Bipolar Disorder.   I have a second diagnosis which is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  In our group there is a young lady who also has BPD and I always look forward to seeing her.

When she is at group, I feel connected.  We have something that the others don't, and probably can't comprehend.  BPD is such a heinous disorder.  And BPD's need all the friends they can get, that understand them.

K is off to college.  Good for her.  She needs to get out there are find her wings.  I know that she has everything she needs to succeed.

Good Luck K!  All I ask is that you keep in touch with me and share with me all your new experiences.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you......

My estranged wifes birthday was this past week.  I gave her a card to wish her well.  Afterwords, I ask if she got the card.  She says, she was amazed I remembered.  She says this same thing everytime I give her a card or a gift for special occasions.  It's like an old joke that's not funny and hasn't been that way for a long time?  She has to make almost everything a put-down.

I had this discussion with my therapist today.  I made mistakes throughout my marriage.  I take responsibility for my misdeeds.  But looking back, Ilene has pushed me down throughout my marriage.  I started looking back at what I was before I married Ilene. 

1. I had been in 49 of the 50 United States.
2. I was a published Writer.
3. I had a play I wrote produced by a local theatre group.
4. I had learned computer hardware and software by teaching myself.  (Courses to learn that stuff didn't exist)
   
5. I developed computer systems for a large defense contractor.
6. When I left that company, I was replaced by a department.
7. At 13 I had a business mowing lawns in the summer and shoveling walks in the winter.
8. At 15 I was working fulltime in the produce business and by 18 I was running my own produce business at flea markets 5 days a week and driving into da Bronx 2 days a week to pickup fresh produce.
9. I had learned auto mechanics in BOCES (3 years).  I spent me spare time rebuilding old cars.  My favorites were Ford Fairlanes and Falcons.
10. Even while I was in the Marine Corps I kept writing.  I wrote for the base newspaper when stationed at Marine Barracks Hawaii.
11. Barracks Duty is plush cushy duty and highly sought out.  I came out the top of my class in Admin School and had choice duty station.

All of this was accomplished before I married Ilene.  Before I was 28 years old.  Before I had the life sucked out of me.

I talked to an old dear friend of mine this past week.  I had not spoken to this person in over 22 years.  It was good to hear from this person.  Married.  No Kids.  Still living in the house this person grew up in.  Our conversation was great, and I was happy that life and given this couple happiness.  They too had gone through similar health issues that we had gone through.  They conquered their problems and remained married.  Diabetes and Depression goes hand in hand and they overcome those issues.  They had no kids because of health problems.  My friends spouse had the problem.

I was glad to hear that through it all, they were still together, and happy.  I feel more and more that we (thank God) are the exception, and not the rule.  I'm glad to hear that people like George and Barbara, Debbie and Gene, GerriLynne and Dennis, and and my friend have learned to not only deal with the difficulties of life, but also to encourage each other and grow.

As I told my therapist I love Ilene but I won't let her push me down and hold my head under water any more.  I hope that in the future, she learns not to put people down, but instead to lift them up.  Elevate them to go on to greater things.

Imagine what I could have accomplished had I been encouraged, first by my parents and then later by my wife.  51 years of being told you can't do this, you can't do that.  You're not good enough, you are forgetful, you're not capable, we can't afford ......no, no, no......down, down, down............. 

I have to start listening to the messages God gives me.  I need to stop listening to the nay sayers.  I need to start listen to the voices that I should have listened to ages ago.

I need to stop making the mistakes that I've made by not listening to the messages that are being sent to me from God.  I am setting my goals high and marching forward.

A Foggy London Day in London Town.......

A foggy day, In london town, It had me low, And it had me down....(la da da da da...)

I've been in a fog for about a week now. I need someone my own age that can talk to me on my level.  You know the kind of person who has had similar experiences in their life that we can relate to together.  I have friends, but most of them are between 18 and 40.  I was hoping that K. would have dropped me a note by now.  I worry about her because she has Borderline Personality Disorder also, she's the 18 year old.  I worry about her because she attended our Wednesday meeting and talked about her problem sleeping, and how she felt all alone.  She's so young and having to deal this BPD.  It's impossible for her parents to understand her.  Being a fellow sufferer I had hoped that we would be able to help each other.

Then there is J., he is in his 30's.  I like the guy, but I don't think he understands that I've got responsibilities that I have to take care of.  I also don't think he understands that I relate more to his parents than I do to him.

Then there is S., she is a nice young lady, but we differ in so many ways that I don't know if she could understand my life.  First of all, I'm old.  Let's face it, 51 ain't no spring chicken.  2nd, I don't know that she or my other friend J. have ever had to support a family.

There are some who would like you all to think that I've been a lazy bum for my entire life.  Contrary, when I first was married, I was teaching computer programs to the corporate world.  I went from there to designing computer systems for Wall Street.  As and Assistant Vice President of a computer software company, I made significantly more money than my wife.  I did that for the first 10 years of our marriage.

People can't comprehendhow fucked up this is.  At 13, I had my own lawn mower business.  I was raking in about $250 a week mowing lawns in the summer and shoveling walks and driveways in the winter.  When I was 16 I worked at the Farmers Market during the summer I usually worked around 60 hours a week OTB which ended up to be some serious coin.

But it had it's price.  I'm 6 foot 3 and when you work in a business the makes you lift hundreds of pounds every day.  So I'm relatively strong and I've gotten violent (throwing someone over a couple of cashier stations violent) with my co-workers.

I look back thoughout my entire lifes history and I see all of the problems that this illness has bestowed upon me.  It sucks.  What sucks more is that I didn't want any of this, but I'm fuckin stuck with it.

....(la da da da da...) And suddenly, I saw you standing right there, And in foggy london town, The sun was shining everywhere.