In sickness and in health....

Part of the wedding vows go as follows:

"I ____, take thee, ____, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part....."

I bring this up because of my my wife's decree "I never signed up for this!!!". Well I beg to differ. According to God, you did sign up for this.

I never wanted to get sick. I never wanted to have Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. If I knew 22 years ago that I had these 2 illnesses, I would never have inflicted them on ANYBODY. I would never have gotten married, my life would have been different. But God dealt me a different set of cards, and I will have to play the hand I was dealt. I won't walk away complaining these are not the cards I wanted, gimme new ones.

My wife has filled for divorce and God will take care of me. I have always trusted his guidance. He will always do what is right for me.

Enough

A friend of mine gave this to me after I explained to her why I always said 'I love you' to my wife before she went to work.  I think it is more lasting and just enough.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moment together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have.' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?'

'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back will be for my funeral.' he said.

'When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.' He paused for a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he even smiled more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough.' we wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.'

Then turning toward me he shared the following as if reciting it from memory,

'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hello's to get you through the final goodbye.'

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Congratulations Eric!!!!

Today, after an agonizing 14 years of Schooling (Pre-K and K-12), my son has his diploma in hand. I am so very proud of him and I hope he knows that no matter what he says or does to me, I am his father and he is my son, and I love him.

Originally I was going to be "punished" by not being allowed to come at all, but they changed their minds and procured a ticket for me in the Auditorium where you get to see your child graduate on "Jumbotron". Ilene and Cassie were to sit in the Gymnasium and see it live. Thankfully, God was being good to me and brought me good weather. With the good weather they held the Commencement Exercise outdoors, and it became a moot point.

My wife made a comment in the car on the way over. She says to me "I hope you know that those are Stadium seating, and the only reason you got those was because of me." All I could see at that moment was my mother. It was almost as if she were saying "You should happy for the crumbs I toss to you, now come and kiss my feet."

This is my son for God's sake. It's not like it was the guy down the end of the block's birthday. Ilene should have used the opportunity to teach my son what it RIGHT. She should have used the chance to explain to Eric that I am his father and that I had just as much right to be there as she did. No, she had to control the situation (again, just like my mother).

I will always have a special place in my heart for Ilene. As I have said in the past, I knew from the very first moment I met her, that I was going to marry her, have a family together, and then grow old together. How's that song go "2 out of 3 ain't bad". But I am so happy that things are changing.

So to you Mr. Eric, may God bless you and keep you. My your desires and hopes be fulfilled. And may you have enough. Through the years, you have brought me laughs, pain, joy, sorrow, but I have never been more proud of you than I am today.

Happy Father's Day...

Well here it is, another chance for my children to hurt me. I never beat my Kids, they NEVER spent one second bare assed over my knee being beaten with either a "Hotwheels" track or a plastic spoon. In my house and to the best of my knowledge they were never raped. They never had to endure the pain that I did. The never had to be let down over and over again because another sibling needed a lawyer or to be let out of jail. The worse I ever did to these kids was yell at them and throw things in their general direction. I never intended to hit them and considering I am 6'3" and currently weight in at 350lbs and a Honorably Discharge Marine, if I ever did hit them the would have been hospitalized.

I can not figure out what was so horrible, so heinous of a crime, they couldn't even say Happy Father's Day. I never planned on being sick, I never planned on having a mental illness. This was given to me. I didn't ask for it, I don't want it.

What really horrifies me is that neither of my kids has compassion for their father. Neither of them have ever gone without. And yet here they punish me.

My daughter doesn't have the maturity to tell me why she's mad at me. She just goes about grunting and snorting like a five year old on a temper tantrum. My son (where this hole mess started) and my estranged wife, are talking to me. Briefly but civil (which is all I ask).

The 5th Commandment from God says "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." What needs to be noted is that the 5th command happens to be the very first commandment after God tells us how to respect God.

My son needed me today, which is probably why he was being actually pleasant. It still would have been nice if he said "Happy Fathers Day".

Well to all those fathers out there, who were treated like the handyman....

"Happy Father's Day"

Dillusional?

Within the past week, I have had a had maybe tops 20 words from my family. All 3 of them total maybe 20 words. I get a note on my door this morning. I scanned it in for people to see actual demeaner.

Well I could have helped with the repair costs doing it myself. I knew he was having problems with his brakes and I was suppose to work on them over the weekend. That was before I was told be the same son to go kill myself, slit my throat, drive my car into a tree, yada, yada, yada. $700 ($350 was my "portion') and of course they could never see the value in it. Curiosity, I wonder how much an afterhours brake job on Ilene's car, or the muffler replacement on Cassie's car cost. Now that they have to go to a mechanic, I guess we will find out.

Getting back to the note. $480 for car insurance. She thinks that Eric's portion is only like $120.00. To find the REAL cost of Eric's car insurance she will need to price his insurance alone. His insurance would be $334.57 as a basic bare minimum insurance policy. I used Progress.com to compare.

Next there is the cell phone bill. $471 for the 4 of us. There are features that can and should be turned off. I told this to Ilene MONTH's ago. There is no need for ringback tones. I turned off extras on my phone.

Next we need to address Eric's SSI payment. I get $833 for me to use to help support Eric as I deem necessary for his needs. Last month I paid over $1300 to help in the support of Eric. This month I have paid $658 for electric bill and $35 in overdraft. Ilene has stopped her payment going into the bank. I have no idea what she is spending money on. I have no idea what she is wasting money on. She is claiming everything is my fault and that I haven't paid bills and that is why we are in the position we are in. Fine she wants to blame me, if she thinks that makes things better.

I asked her to read Dave Ramsey and Suzy Orman. She has never picked up either book. It basically says to stop paying for everything you can't afford to pay cash for. Live within your means. Cassie wanted to go to California. The original deal was that we would buy the plane tickets for her birthday, but she had to pay for everthing else. She earned about $300.00 last year. Of which she pisssed away on things like "Coach" collars for the dogs. So when it came time for her to go to California my wife should have said "No, we can't afford it."

I told here months ago that we needed to make BIG cuts in our way of living. She thinks like Obama that she can spend her way out of this problem. Obama can print more money. She can't.

She called me "Dillusional" today. She is so wrong, I am not playing into the "Illusion that I grew up in a HAPPY home." nor am I playing into the "Illision that she ever loved me." My eyes are open for the first time in over 40 years. I am happy at the fact that I am finding peace in God. I am happy and proud that I am now leaving my life completely in his hands. I became ordained to help find peace and to help others. My wife mocked me for this, when my freinds have not only been supportive, but they have also be proactive in helping me. They actually want me to be happy.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Ilene.

I had a nice therapy session today. I had a special session with my therapist today. After my past week, I had ask my therapist for an emergency session. We discussed many things and he feels I did what was needed.

He also feels that yes my mother is a Narcissist. And agrees that we have a tendency to marry our mothers/fathers, because that is what we know. He also acknowledged that once we truly understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder we can then see it in those around us.

I left yesterdays blog with a eureka moment. But I feel I need to explain why I see Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my wife.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

* Seek constant attention and admiration
I have had to continuously stroke her ego. She has even cut-off friends with took attention away her.

* Consider themselves better than others

* Exaggerate their talents and achievement
In this past week alone I told her that I would fix the post that Kiko ripped out of the wall she took it as an insult that she was incapable to fix the post. This was done on the same day that she roasted a chicken "BACK UP" and tried to cut a piece of breast meat from the back.

* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
Need I say more. She has always wanted what other people have. And when it doesn't happen well then it is all hell until it happens.

* Are easily hurt but may not show it.

* Set unrealistic goals
Although the seeds for my illness were set in my youth (between the ages of 7 to 14 according to research), it was not until 9/11 that I had my 1st real adult trigger. That is when the depression started. It wasn't untill Feb/Mar of 2007 that I had my first suicide attempt. It took me from 1965 til 2007 to fester my illness. From what I've read and understand, it takes 5 to 7 years to START recovery. Ilene wants it now.

From what I've read it also extends to her children. Since she is superior, her children must also be superior. If not, it is not a problem with her or her child, it must be with those who see fault. She thinks her son is College Material. She see's him going on to college and doing greater things.

I love my son, but I am realistic. He needs to learn discipline. He needs to learn respect. Until then, he will never be able to achieve college level courses. I hope he does eventually attend college, but he needs to work at getting himself up to college level work.

* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals
She doesn't care which one of her friends or family she will push under the bus to get what he wants. I know that her brothers think I am to blame for all of our financial problems. That is Ilene's manipulation of the facts. Her friends that don't agree with her 100% she would push under the bus also. Example, Fran, Marcy, Karen and even Joanne. Joanne is being twisted because Ilene wants her ear, but Joanne is still Marcy's friend.

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
She obsesses with these Soap Operas of hers and Twilight and Charmed, as well the books she reads. I have watched some of them and whenever I make fun of them, it is like attacking a sacred cow.

* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
Again this goes with her ability to throw friends and family under the bus if they don't agree with her 100% from the get go. Even when it came to Mother in the Nursing Home. She expected both Lenny and Fred to go along with what she said. And when they didn't, Lenny was in her words a Jackass.

* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others.
I am point in case. I have a Mental Ilness, I have caused problems in the past and I am getting help. Ilene has not accepted the FACT that this MAY BE as good as it gets. It could be that I will get BETTER but there is NO CURE. And there is always the chance that I could get worse. I never PLANNED this life for me either. She still can't accept this.

* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
I go back to fixing the pole that Kiko ripped out of the wall. I told her that I would fix it the right way. She took this as an insult and that I was criticising her.

* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude
Mutual friends of ours have described her as Nasty. Thought it was only towards me.

Of course I could be wrong. I am not a therapist, but I have many clues that point in this direction including the FACT that she is not only the youngest in the family, but she is also the only girl out of three. She has always been taken care of by her brothers. The only way to know for sure is to see a trained professional.


God Bless all of them, Ilene, Cassie and Eric. God Bless her brothers and their families. I hope that they take care of all of her needs.

My wife thinks she knows Borderline Personality Disorder.....she is.....clueless.

One thing I have noticed is that Ilene and my Mother are of the same cloth. My mother has this little Autistic girl living next door. She knows more about autism than she does about he own sons Borderline Personality Disorder.

Ilene claims that Eric is Manic Depressive and inherited it from me. It could have been inherited from either one of us, but if it makes it easier for her to blame me, then, OK it's my fault.

She suspects he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). NO PROOF. It is a learned behavior. She says he learned it from me. I believed that he learned it from her actions toward me. She allows him to tell me to "Go fuck myself", "Drop dead", "Go commit suicide", "Go drive your car off the road". I would NEVER let him talk to her that way. And yet she allows him to disrespect me.

If Eric does have BPD he needs to be diagnosed and TREATED. There is no Medication in the world to treat BPD

I believe Ilene and my mother bother suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not a Therapist or Psychiatrist. But her symptoms fit.

What Are the Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:

* Are self-centered and boastful
* Seek constant attention and admiration
* Consider themselves better than others
* Exaggerate their talents and achievements
* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment
* Are easily hurt but may not show it
* Set unrealistic goals
* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love
* Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people
* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants
* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others
* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation
* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude

What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.

When I read this (thinking about my mother) I saw Ilene. It is intriguing when I speak to mutual friends and how she will shut people out of her life who don't agree 100% with her. Even her sister-inlaw and brother when they didn't agree with her she blocked her from her facebook. For Gods sake, we've been out of High School for a couple of years now.

If she truly loves her son and her daughter as I do, she will get them to therapy. Let a trained professional diagnose and help them.

If she ever intends to be happy, she needs therapy also. She blames me for things that happened over 20 years ago. That I LEGALLY had NO choice. Emotionally I was setup for a fall. If I forced her to do one thing or not do it, I would be controlling. I am blamed for not being there? There was no right choice for me!!! It was not MY CHOICE.

When Is she going to stop yelling?????

6:30am - I get woken to Ilene yelling at me again.  This time, because I changed MY password to MY Checking account.  I tell her I did it not to hurt anyone but to protect myself from her spending MY money on things like Cassie's Vacation or Eric's Tatoo when there is a Negative in the checking account.

Someone (my thinking it is her brother) bailed her out.  He will have to continue bailing her out on her bad choices.  I don't have the ability or will to do it any more.

I stopped fighting over it when i told we had to make cutbacks and she refused to do it.

She has turned the kids against me in works and actions.  The other day, she specifically called me when I was texting her so that Eric knew it was ME being the mean one again, because I questioned Ilene's spending practices.

He is mad at me, for her actions.

Soon, all of this will pass.  All I can hope and pray for is that some day they all will get the help they need.  God knows they need it.

New beginings.....

My wife wants me out of the house, and I want out of the marriage. This was a mistake, and it should have been finished years ago.

Even dating, there were things like her not even carrying a photo of me, or wanting one of me to display in here apartment. I on the other hand, loved her at first sight, there was even I moment in those very first days, that I gave her a look and laughed. She asked me "What was that all about?" I told her to ask me in 20 years." I never told her but it was at that moment that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I wanted to have a family with her, and I wanted to grow old with her.

I was sort of seeing on and off 2 other girls at that time. I could have married anyone of them, but I didn't feel the same way. I don't think she ever felt, not even once, even close to that feeling for me. I have tried for too long to keep up the "illusion" of being happy.

I spent my childhood, making it an "illusion" of happiness in my home. I called my mother today, being Sunday and told her about my discission. She then went on about the wonderful "rose colored glasses" house we lived in. I said yes with an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and a Rapist in the house. She the declares "Oh, no he wasn't, he wasn't a rapist." I was phase, fumming, and floored. I said to her "HE RAPED ME, IT WAS HIS DICK UP MY ASS. Don't you dare tell me he wasn't a rapist." I then hung up on her. This is turning out to be a banner week. I can really work on a do-over.

I know that I will not be able to take Kiko with me. I have also heard Ilene yell on more than 1 occassion, "I HATE THIS FUCKIN DOG." She doesn't spend time with her and has no control over her. So, I left yesterday to find Kiko a home. I've seen Eric kick her. Cassie's been basically good to her, but she'll be back to school soon and can't take Kiko with her. Ilene will also soon be in a an apartment and won't be able to take either dog.

So, My plan was to take her to one of the "No Kill" shelters in the area, and leave her with them. It seems that larger dogs like Kiko are harder to find a home for. After I went to the first, they told me they couldn't take her but gave a couple of suggestions. I went to my friend Dan's house to use his phone. The rottie rescue would call me back in 12 to 24 hours. To long and far way. So Dan told me about this other place. So we took a trip when they told me they couldn't take her we started home (?) . We got up to this one place on a one way street I asked Dan to pull over, which he did. I openned the door, tossed my wallet and cash on the car seat. I told Dan to take Kiko to Ilene and said goodbye.

I never planned on coming back. I went someplace in solitude and prayed for God to take me quickly. But epiphany did come and not in the manifestation of my demise. God sent me one of those pesky messages again.

I worked extremely hard to not get angry at all the crap that was being thrown at me. I spent a lot of time in my bible and talking with God. I even spent time and effort to become an ordained Minister. I am now known as the Reverend Keith. Ministers are not supposed to get angry.

I am now going to use my new found freedom to reinvent my self. I've already lost 20 pounds and on Wednesday I'm getting my hair cut and my new life started. If and when my children want me back in thier lives, I will be anxiously awaiting.

I now know that I can love somebody and I will learn to live without her. I will do better without her. I will get back on top of my life.

Well it's over....

I have done my best to try to keep this family together.  I have taken blame for the actions that and damages I have caused.  I have asked that my wife and children get therapy.  God knows they need it.

I have always loved my wife and children, still do.  I honestly don't think my has ever loved me.  She married me because she wanted to beat he High School friend Suzanne down the aisle.  She was in love with the idea of marriage, but she has always wanted to be single.

Even this past week I got a large TV for the livingroom in hopes that we could spend time together.  I have spend countless hours trying to save our house.  I comes to this.  She blurts that she can't wait til the the kids are out of the house and I'm out of the house and then she can sell the house and get on with her life.

She would much rather be Cassie and Eric's best friend than their mother.  The tipping stone was when she calls me and tells me the account is in a negative balance and to not go to Lowes to get the garden hose.  I then text her because she was to be going with our 17 year old son to get him his $150 tattoo.  I texted her because I did not feel it wise to spend $150 on a tattoo, when there is a negative balance in the checking account.  I asked her if it could wait until my check came in.  She then calls me on the telephone so that Eric can hear the conversation and then I'm the mean one again.

Every time we've had financial problems Ilene was in charge of the bank accounts. Before my first suicide attempt, I was in charge of the books.  I took it over after we almost lost the house the first time because she didn't pay property taxes for an entire years.  After 6 months under my direction we had paid our back taxes, we paid off the 2004 PT 2 years earlier and $18000. in the savings account. 

When Ilene is still paying a mortgage on an house she doesn't own.  When she is in an apartment that doesn't allow pets.  When the bills are up to her eyes while her children are still sitting in their rooms in her apartment watching TV or playing video games, or going on vacation on mom's dime.  Then and maybe then, she will understand that they (all 3 of them) needed help but it will be too late.

When I got married it was for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part.  I know what I signed for.  Ilene says she never signed on for this.

I love my wife and children, but I will no longer pretend that they love me.

Nearer to God....................................................

I have to look at my relationship with God and Christ. It seems to me that that when I was a child I did not know him. I did not want to know him. After all, what had he done for me lately? I was in a family that had no real use for me.

My father hated me. How do I know this? My father mettled out punishment with the fervor of a pitbull starting with the youngest and working finally tiring by the time he got to the oldest. He would do this round after round until somebody confessed. He used either a belt or "Hotwheels" track. The pain could then be inflicted longer and with greater bearing. He inflicted double damage by turn a toy into a weapon.

Skipper (F. Joseph Towell, Jr.) was the oldest, he raped me. The more I say it, the easier it is to say it. I did nothing wrong, I shouldn't feel guilty. He violated me. He went to jail for the rape of a 13 year old girl. He never faced ANY punishment for violating me.

Kevin was 2 years older than I was. He did his dammedest to pull me down into his world. He was drug and alcohol dependent, but worse than that he was a quiter. He quit everything. He quit High School, Family, Marraige, even the Marine Corps. He quit EVERYTHING. He moved to Florida to get away from my Parents. But she calls my mother daily. He IS "Poor Jane" in every sense of the way.

Let me explain "Poor Jane". My mother is the oldest of 3. My Aunt Karen was the youngest, my mother was the oldest, and then there was "Poor Jane". My Aunt Jane choose poorly in life. He first husband Edward, was an alcoholic. In my growing up, my Aunt Jane live in the same apartment building as my Grandmother (her mother). But whenever my Grandmother needed anything she would call my mother. My mother would run out there and deal with her and then have to listen to how "Poor Jane" didn't have this or didn't have that. "Poor Jane" might have had more in her if she spent less time in bars.

Kevin kinda like lets life evolve around him. He sells hot dogs on the beach. He has never pushed, or gone out of his way for anybody. He has no money, and lives hand to mouth. "Poor Jane" lives on.

My mother has enabled everyone in my family. When I asked my mother if she had even the slightest hint that Skipper had molested anybody. She said that once when Kevin was being beat up by some neighborhood kids, she overheard one kid say "...that's right go home and get raped by your older brother." I asked what she did next. She said, she asked Skipper if he was molesting anyone. Skipper said "No." That was it, the end of the conversation, he said no. What more evidence was needed?

My parents spent untold dollars defending both of my brothers in a Court of Law and even though I was the only child to Graduate from High School and be accepted to Dowling College. I was subjected to Community College. Which allowed me to flounder until I folded.

I then needed to escape my brothers drug-scapades so I joined the Marine Corps. It was there that god found me again. God calls me, I listen. My Grandfather passed away while I was in bootcamp. He was burried a good week before my mother decided to tell me. I was extremely found of my Grandfather and angry when I was informed. I wasn't given the choice, I was told afterwards. God and I had one of our longest conversations that night. I was also the first time I requested to speak with a Minister.

I was given a Bible that day by the Minister that I still carry today. I hardly ever read that Bible today. Instead, I have a bible that I asked for, for Christmas, but ended up buying for myself. It is in the New Living Translation which means less thos and thou arts, and more dos and dems ((Brooklyneses) only kidding).

When I came back out of the Marine Corps and when back home, God became a little less converse. It wouldn't be until now (2009) that I realized that God kept his distance when I was with my family.

Now I must clarify that I am not hearing voices? God puts things (ideas) in my head. It's not like I'm seeing and hearing things.

I can now understand Moses trying to explain to his people:

Moses:

"I got these 10 laws from a burning bush."


People:

"And the white beard?"


Moses:

"Yup. That's about the extent of it."


People:

"So you want me to worship a burning bush that gives you rocks and white hair."


Moses:



"Yup. That's about the extent of it."

And to think that Moses at least had the tablets. Thank GOD that Moses was better at splaining than I am.

Again God kept distanced until I was married to my wife. Not once did I ever abandon God. When I was a child. I stuck an electric plug in my mouth. I burnt the size of a 50¢ piece out of the corner of my mouth. I should have been dead then. I also had some very close calls with bullets
even before I joined the Marine Corps. Once in the Bronx Teabandon - Wiktionaryrminal Market and then again in Corona Queens. Even back then I knew God was not finished with me.

I don't know what, where, or why, but I still am here, and I'm Still Me. AND I am still with God, and God is still with me.